Trying To Get Help For Depression Feel Nobody's Listening

[kestrel]

I've had longstanding depression since at least I was 16, but it wasn't actually diagnosed until I was 30. This latest dive into the depths doesn't seem to be going away. I had a visit from the acute mental health team a few days ago. When I said I didn't feel any better, the doctor said I seemed a lot brighter. An assessment from a 4 or 5 minute visit. I have to force my self to do most things, eat, go out all the normal stuff. Today I went to a music group to play the guitar. Came home and cried for about 2 or 3 hours because I don't fit in there or anywhere. These mental health team guys think they have the right to comment on everything. I had 2 painting I'd done on the wall. When I said I hadn't painted for over 2 years one guy said you've got paints on your desk so you must have been doing some painting. I suppose I was lying. Then one wanted to known why I had 3 guitars. I said I like guitars, when I really felt like saying is it any of your business. Playing the guitar is all I have left. At least I'm not being let down.

[therising]

Hi kestrel

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. I really do feel sorrow/a sense of sadness for those who are facing that torture known as depression. I've been there and I know how soul-destroying it can become.

Judgement...hmmm. Yes, judgement is the last thing we need to experience, especially when feeling depressed. How can they judge me based on the paints on the table or the 3 guitars I have?! Who do they think they are, having me all worked out? They don't even know me! I'm wondering if this is how you felt or feel. I also wonder whether you're feeling heard, really heard: 'When I said I didn't feel any better, the doctor said I seemed a lot brighter.'

I know it's easier said than done but please try not to be too hard on yourself. One of the things that really frustrates me, when it comes to depression, is the idea that folk will often be treated for it but not educated about it. Instead of being empowered through an understanding of how depression can work on a mental, physical and energetic level, those who suffer can be left feeling 'I am failing' as opposed to 'aspects of myself are failing to function at optimum levels':

• How can I feel a 'payoff' of any kind when dopamine levels are low? Dopamine relates to that feeling of reward
• How can I feel connected to people when oxytocin levels are low? Oxytocin relates to bonding/love. By the way, oxytocin levels are typically low in mums with post natal depression, which explains why they have trouble bonding with their baby
• How can I feel 'happy' when serotonin levels are low? With serotonin levels impacting mood, motivation, social behaviour, memory, appetite and digestion (just to name a handful of aspects), we can be left fighting what feels like a losing battle if levels are not where they should be. Interestingly, a majority of serotonin is found in the digestive system. I recently attended a talk entitled 'Mood and food', at my kids' school. The impact of diet on mental health is a fascinating subject
• How can I feel euphoric or generally well when endorphins just aren't doing their thing? Endorphins are responsible for activating the body's opiate receptors

We are seriously complex beings, for sure! Chemistry has the potential to impact our mental, physical and spiritual well-being. With spiritual well-being relating to our sense of connection to life, understanding our complexity on a variety of levels leads to an understanding of why we may be feeling disconnected.

Take care

[kestrel]

I know all about the chemical aspects of depression, so why aren't the meds making an impact? Went to a WRAP support group. At the moment going out only leaves me felling worse as I have to come home to nothing. I suppose I want to mean something to somebody, as if that's going to happen when all I meet are counsellors or case managers. The music group on Monday, according to the programme was supposed to be one on one before lunch and jamming at 1. So I went at 1 and the guy said don't take any notice of the programme when I said I thought it was a jam. Then he said next time make sure you bring 2 songs you really want to learn. Felt like he was saying I'd wasted his time. Maybe I shouldn't go back. Maybe I should go into psych ward.

[blondguy]

Hello Kestrel

I understand what you are going through and yes its a pain to have depression. Its great to have 'the rising' post here as 'rising' like yourself has a good understanding where depression is concerned

This is my 38th year with chronic anxiety followed by depression (under management)

Can I ask how often you see your doc? The only reason I ask is because it took me 13 years to understand that depression or anxiety symptoms can be reduced with frequent ongoing counseling/therapy ( I used to have six monthly therapy in the 1980's.....and wondered why I never felt any better!)

Really good to have you on the forums Kestrel....When its convenient I hope you can post back 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[MelaniaH]

I hope you’re ok Kestrel

[therising]

Hi kestrel

I hear your frustration. Regarding the meds, I like to compare the search for the most effective one being like the search for the Holy Grail (does what I'm on a quest to find actually exist?). Myself, I'd found one that was an absolute ripper. I had to go off it for a time as it was a no no med during pregnancy. Returned to it after my 1st child was born but it no longer worked, grrr. During my time off this med, saw a psychologist who was as ineffective as all the different following medications I tried, through to the end of my depression. Long story short, what got me out of my 15 year battle with depression was, of all things, post natal depression group therapy (not long after my 2nd child was born). I can understand the incredible frustration and disappointment regarding the trial and error process of anti-depressants. When it comes to the best AD, discuss a solid management plan with whoever is prescribing them. Eg. if what you're taking has been given ample time to work and it's still not working, move onto the next one. Technically, you're looking for the right chemical reaction, in that lab known as the human body.

The jam session must have left you feeling so disappointed. You'd made the massive effort to go, taking a leap of faith into the unknown and BAM. Putting a different spin on the disappointment aspect: If (in your mind) you appointed the idea of 'structure' to these sessions, try disappointing your expectations of it. Consider appointing different ideas which relate to the casual nature. You just never know, this could be your group to lead you out of depression, just as my group led me out. We can never pick the moment when freedom happens, for it can often come about in the strangest of ways. Group therapy comes in many different forms.

Not sure if you've ever had an interest in the spiritual side of things. With you being an artist and musician (very soulful aspects), thought I'd touch on the subject. Just recently developed an interest in the work of Christina Lopes. Her take on 'The dark night of the soul' (that Jungian term) is fascinating and worth a look if your interested. She has a number of interesting things to look at on her site.

In the darkness of depression, sometimes we can be left to feel our way through life when we just can't see the way forward. So it can pay to trust in your feelings. If something deep down is begging you to go back to the jam session, don't think twice. Go for it.

Take care