Im a 25yo Youth Worker, which is ironic as Im struggling with being an adult.
I hate having to work. I dont hate my job, I just hate having to have a job at all. I end up crumbling when Ive been working consistently and my depression kicks in and I stay in bed for a week or two to "recover". Then I go back to earning my money until I crumble again. This is a monthly cycle on average.
I didnt go to high school and I rarely went to primary school, so its not programmed into me to "have to" do things I don't want to do and I havent been able to reprogram that part of myself, only do my best despite it (which is all we can do.)
I love being a "housewife" but it's not realistic in this modern economy and doesnt align with my dreams and aspirations (which revolve around travelling, art and investing so I have income without working) but those dreams and aspirations barely push me through, they're more like a thing that I remind myself I will never have if I don't do what I have to do. Perhaps a threat rather than a motivator.
Before I got into work and study and more work, I was a carer for my mother so even then I was able to do what I wanted most of the time and be at home in my own world, without financial pressure. I still went through depression through all these other points in my life but I also had the luxury of staying in bed and not having to worry about ruining my life or money.
I feel like deep down Im the same person who is at their best filling their day with whatever they please in solitude, even with the mental health issues, however now I have very real pressures of life and I have to masquerade around as a functioning adult.
My partner and I both make OK money but the sad reality in this day and age, is that even with two "good" wages we're still only living within our means, meaning that I hardly see the reward from forcing myself to go to work because we are still not in a position to travel or invest, or even buy myself new clothes. Whilst I'm grateful that the rent is paid and we eat well, the fact that those other things are still so far out of reach is demotivating when I've already got the blues. Then there's the guilt for wanting more when there's others who wish they had what I do.
I just wish I could go to work like a normal person without this inner turmoil. Even when I try to push through, eventually my anxiety pops out to take over and I will have a panic attack before a shift so draining that I end up needing a week off anyway.
