trying not to fall apart

[mun23]

I'm stuck, I've been stuck for years. My head is going to explode. I don't want to tell my husband, he's not in a good place either at the moment, and he's a worrier, I don't want him to worry about me. I'm trying hard to keep it together for him. Ask my mother she'd say "she's always been a difficult child". Most people think I'm just weird or crazy. I don't have friends, my family are critical and judgemental. Thats why I'm here. 

I haven't worked for 5 years, I'm scared to face the world. I don't go anywhere alone because I have panic attacks. Things are getting worse. I have recently tried IVF, with no success. My insides are a mess. Part of me didn't want it to work because I'm terrified I will turn out just like my mum. I don't wish that on anyone. I don't have any fond memories of her. I envy people who have a loving mum, a mum who cared. My mum says she raised me to be independent, in reality she was always drunk and I just stayed out of her way so I didn't get a flogging. My parents split when I was 15, I stayed with my dad. My mum blames me for the break up, my dad saved my life by getting me away from her. 

My dad and I are close, but he is my biggest critic, I can't do anything right. He doesn't like my husband and tells me all the time. Every time I see him he finds something to pick at. The tv is dusty, your a pig, go on a diet, and constantly tells me how wonderful and perfect my sister is. I feel worthless and stupid. He doesn't do feelings, and I get told to "get over it" all the time. A therapist once said I need to confront him about it. Yeh right, he'd never speak to me again!

I tend to keep contact with my family to a minimum. I always end up coming home in tears. I am not perfect, I have flaws, plenty of them actually. I don't understand why they have to constantly remind me. I know I'm different and I'm mostly ok with that, but they seem to think its not ok. In fact my mum only tells people she has 2 kids. Maybe she has forgotten about me!

So I sit here in my own little world, wiping away the tears so no one sees. Wondering if it will ever get any better. I talk to my dogs and they look at me as if they understand. I just want to be free from the pain and hurt. I want to be free to be myself. 

[vip]

Hi Mum 23 Take a deep breath and relax. You sound similar to how I was feeling in the past. All feelings of anxiety panic attack ect ect. I would take a trip to visit your local GP and talk to him about your feelings and if need be get on some medication just to balance out your moods. Then take it from there. Usually your GP will advise you to speak to a psychologist as well. You have been through a lot and at the moment you need to get some support elsewhere. I found my husband was no support for me with handling my depression so I am still under a psychologist. Try this first and then these professionals will also advise you get some exercise go for a walk with your dogs on the beach have a facial massage ect just concentrate on your self for a little while and be selfish. Goodluck

[mun23]

I guess I'm just tired, tired of fighting, my head hurts from thinking, thinking weird thoughts, even for me. I'm just fed up and wonder why I'm here, whats the point you know. Don't stress I'm not suicidal, who would look after my dogs if I wasn't here? I've done the psychologist and she made me feel even nuttier. I have been avoiding my GP, that guy never has anything good to tell me! But yes I know I need to go, and hopefully he will help me. I'm scared of what he'll find. I don't want to go back to hospital. I feel like a failure, I don't work, can't breed and can barely keep up with the house work, I can't even do the food shopping on my own. Its pathetic...Thats my life, a list of things I can't do......

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear mun23,

That "she's a difficult child tag" that your mother gave you............isn't it amazing how that kind of thing sticks with you ?

I think I had the same tag from my mum.     Then there are all the times you try something new and someone says "that'll sort you out".

In one of the Allan Watts lectures (recommended on another post) he spends a great deal of time philosophising about how humans don't like "wiggly" things.  We always have to "straighten it out" or "sort it out".  It's like we can't be in limbo.  Which is perverse as a lot of centering or yoga, etc, is about being in the moment which would create a divide between then and now, i.e. a sort of vacuum where space and time constraints don't affect us as much.  We are "free".

When you see a dog sleeping, dreaming about that ball catch and trotting their little paws up and down, you think - "Why can't I relax like that ?"  In a sense all anxiety is waiting for the next ball throw.  We can overwork our expectation.

Adios, David.

[vip]

Hi Mun23 I was 100% like this yes the food shopping just getting out of bed and having a shower was too hard. Im not stressing about the suicide because I actually attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived it. Anyone who tells me about disturbing thoughts doesnt frighten me in the least. I had a crappy GP as well and I saw him the day before I attempted suicide and this guy did absolutely nothing to help me. After having great therapists in rehab hospital and mental clinics I have got myself together again I walk luckily and I have just finished taking 3 years of medication and slowely slowely I have recovered fully. I now have a lovely GP and great psychologist who I visit every few months. Definately doctor shop and psych shop until you find someone who totally understands you. Doctors will find nothing wrong with you to me it just seems you are suffering with depression something that is normal and nearly every person I knows has it. You have already taken the first step to recovery about speaking about it. I can see you clearly getting over this hurdle and you will dont worry just will take some time , It took me 3 years but I am here to talk about it and help others if I can. You can do anything you set your mind too never forget that. Hope this helps take care