I need help - please

[casey89e]

OK this is new for me so please bear with me this post will be long so i apologise...For the last 18 months i have been struggling with clinical depression i was diagnosed 12 months ago after the break up of my engagement to my first 'love'

Bit of background i met him when i was 20 and he was 34 i fell for him instantly and so hard that i didnt see any of the warning signs (he was a gambler). We were then seperated by 3 hours for work and i did everything in power to relocate to be with him it cost me friendships and a career goal i had but none of that mattered because i was him now. Living in teh same house i began to facilitate his addiction without even realising how bad it was, i loved him so much i would have moved moutnains for him and i believed he felt the same. Than as the gambling got worse and teh debt grew he got angrier and angrier with me for the smallest things. His family hated me because i placed blame where it was due on them not supporting his need for help, his dad tried to hit me and groped me but he refused to believe they coudl do that and said if i mentioned it he would leave me so i left it alone. Eventually he turned violent too it started with arguments, full on screaming matches when we were both at fault and he would hold me done or lock me in a room, to punching me in the head while driving becasue i fended him off and hurt his tooth, to one night at a hotel he dragged me into the foyer and kicked me in the head countless times than made me sleep on the bathroom floor. None of this made me leave cause as long as he said he loved and as affectionate the next day i was happy. One day i cracked though when he attempted to choke me i went to work with marks on my neck which i couldn't hide and was forced to tell someone they believed me and went straight to his boss, they asked him what happnened, he claimed 'rough sex' and thast where it ended. He propsed 10 days later so i was happier than ever. Eventually after racking up $50 000 in debt in my name which he promised was ok becasue we were going to be togeher forever he left me, he told me he never loved me and he would pay back the debt at amount that suited him  ($400 a fortnight)not what we agreed to. I stood by his side through his bankruptcy, gambling, helped him when he was upset and now i had nothing but an immense debt to show for it i lost my animals, my furniture, the love of my life in one email it disappeared. Eventually i went to get help as i couldnt function i was diagnosed with clinical depression and when i told him this he seemed to be nicer we went on a holiday to try and 'end things better' during whihc he decided he wanted to give us another go little did i know that when we got home his parents would be there whihc meant i didnt exist and they all refused to pay money that was owed me (his parent owed me $2000 as well) He told all his friends, our workplace that i was taking anti depressants and was crazy so immediatly stopped taking them no matter how they helped.

Eventually he needed more money to gamble so he asked me back, i didnt hesitate and moved back in with him, At this stage i wasnt aware how much he had knocked me down to the point i truely believed no one would ever want me. We stayed this way until he recieved a much better paying job overseas and up and left promising me we would still work and thsi was the best thing for our finanacial situation. He now pays me $200 a fortnight much less than i need while he makes $17000 a month TAX FREE i still love him more than anything and would give up my world in a heartbeat to be with him, nothign in my life works anymore im only happy when he is kind and loving, when he isnt my world falls apart i cant imagine ever moving on with anyone else and as a result i lie in bed all day afetr work waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to want me to live with him. I am VERY AWARe at how pathetic i am, all this over a guy who really on paper isnt that special - 14 years older, bankrupt, dad of three, still married to his ex, no assets, abusive, addict. But i just cant feel any self worth unless its cming from him, there isn't a day i dont wish to be with him or wish i was dead becasue i know it would make his life easier...I dont know how to move past this or  if i even will

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Casey, 

He might have the gambling addiction but you seem to be addicted to his love.

Abusive relationships endure - it's all you know.   Most would advise you to break it all off and rebuild but to you this guy is the world.  Bit of a catch 22.  Great thread.

Adios, David.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Okay I know it's really hard to face, but this guy is poison for you.  He doesn't deserve you.  You will find someone immeasurably better than him, who will treat you much better, and you will look back on this and be embarrassed that you ever let yourself feel this way about such an utter codpiece.  I believe a very large (more so than should exist for a healthy relationship) share of your attachment to this chap is in reality attachment to properties that he just happened to fall into (and could be equally exhibited by a cat or toaster):

1. You're used to him being there.  Being alone is *weird*, hey?!  This will go away by itself, after a while of not thinking about it, like wearing in a new pair of shoes.

2.  You don't think very much of yourself or your ability to fulfill your own dreams, so *someone* being there feels nice.  A partner is an escape.  You don't have to worry about what you don't like about your own life if you simply outsource your happiness to someone else.  This is something you have to work on.  Look around, and take note of the good things about yourself.

3.  You're used to loving him.  This will go away when you look at what a shitbag he is.  You will be able to love someone else as much.  You've done it once, you can do it again.

Who cares what will make his life easier?  He doesn't deserve you making his life easier.  You've already done enough for him.

Do you have friends?  They should be keeping your thoughts away from this incubus. They should take you out on the town and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, like "Guys are such jerks.  He had such a small dick, didn't he?".

Keep yourself busy, so you don't have to lie in bed thinking of him so much.

You will move past this, and you will be stronger, faster, and a better public speaker.

[vip]

Hi Casey Ok I have a little in common with you my husband started this gambling pattern we went to psychs to get it under control in the mean time I got really sick and ended up badly depressed. In the past I had depression when I was 17 so I suffered with it for 22 years. First thing you need to do is go to a GP and get on some medication dont worry what people say or think I wish I was on meds before I attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived it, Anyway a good Psychologist and a good mental health plan. When those meds kick in you will be able to make more rational and better decisions about the man in your life ect. But take some time out asap and get better first mentally and then pysically and everthing else will fall in place. I am totally recovered now but it has taken 3 years you will get there dont worry