Pushed away by friends

[S15]

Where to start..

 I'm recently 20.

Before I can start, a little back story, I have this group of friends (about 8-10 people) around my same age, and we all usually hang out together. Normal teenage stuff; movies, clubbing, BBQ's. But anyway, there is this one girl (we'll call her Amy) in the group who I've 'loved'? for the past 2-3 years or so, around 2 years ago we would hang out a bit and talk all the time and this was when I noticed I was developing feelings for her. One night I was brave enough to tell her how I felt about her, in which she responded that she didn't quite feel the same way, but that there was a time where she did, obviously, I was slightly crushed.

 Fast-forward about 1 year, we still talk and hang out, and I had sort of accepted the fact that nothing would probably eventuate, but because she had said that she used to like me, I'd always had that ideology in the back of my head that there was something I could do, or say, to bring up those old feelings she had for me.

 January this year, our group had rented a holiday house for the week, and being teenagers, a lot of alcohol was involved. One night everyone is drunk and the group is egging on the 2 girls to kiss, which they do, and then Amy starts kissing another guy, which kind of hurt me, because I knew that she probably wouldn't do the same with me if I was in that guys position. Anyway, a seperate incident occurred that night with the other girl over her feelings for another guy there (not the one kissed), they were sort of together but not offically, and in which in my drunken state, told Amy "You should of known this would happen". She got really angry with me over that comment, didn't talk or look at me for the rest of the trip.

 About a month after the trip, I messaged her, asking for forgiveness, because the thought of not being her friend anymore was too much. She told me she was sick of all the attention she gets from guys (I must say that she is quite an attractive girl with good traits, and that I'm not much of a looker or talker, so the knowledge that she used to like me was enough to latch on to her and not completley move on) but that we were still friends. A little while after this conversation, I unexpectedly get a phone call from her one night saying that she's going out clubbing with our group and had totally forgot to invite me along (she was tipsy at that point). Great! I had nothing else on that night so I went over, on the way into town, she tells me how much she had missed me, that she was a bitch for overreacting and that it wasn't my fault about what happened, and we made amends.

 The next few months were going great, we were all hanging out again, having fun. At this point in time, there was this new guy that she was hanging out with. I had met him a couple of times and he seemed like a nice guy, but I didn't really want him around her, I saw him as a threat, which showed me that I am a jealous person with the notion of 'if I can't have her, no one can'. She lived about an hour away from most of the people in our group, at her mum's and step-fathers, which she doesn't get along with (he's apparentley quite violent). This new guy also lives down the same area as her though, in his own house, and soon she moves in with him. I was a little worried about this, especially since she hadn't had the chance to move her bed in, so they were sleeping in the same bed. She assured me that she wouldn't date someone she was living with.

This new guy was having his birthday party and Amy invited our group down as well, but the whole night I felt the vibe that I wasn't really welcome there, so I had sulked and spent most of the night in the spare room, out of sight.The next morning, I snuck out without saying goodbye, and went home.

About 3 weeks later, which leads up to now, on the monday, I see on Facebook that Amy and this new guy are now in a relationship. I was devastated, but kept telling myself 'this is a good thing, you can finally fully move on now, be happy for them' but knowing that it will be awkward to see her now, especially if he's there. In revelation of this news, I was feeling kind of down, but was trying to cheer myself up with the fact that I was going to a concert that (this) weekend with some of them, including her, which I admit makes me feel awkward and not as enthusiastic.

 Until, I saw tonight on Facebook, pictures of all my friends at a bonfire from the weekend that just passed, and this was the first I knew about it. I was crushed, I thought I could live with losing one friend, but now seeing that made me feel that I wasn't invited for a reason, was I not welcome in the group anymore?

 Am I selfish? I've always been taught not to invite myself to things, but I would've figured that a bonfire where all my friends are would be something I would be invited to.

I could just cut them off for good, not hang out or talk to them ever again, but honestly friends are the only thing I have, I don't have a girlfriend and my social skills aren't the best, and I know I'd be the one that would crawl back to them, and I don't want that.

Just need some advice. They all say that I am their friend, but I'm getting this strong feeling I'm not welcome anymore.

 Sorry for the novel.

[giggles]

Hi S15

Well that certainly was a novel and the attention to detail is incredible but typical of your age. thats a compliment to your intellectual ability to retain and condense things into a comprehensive state.

What you have gone through has and will happen over and over again in your age group the dynamics of groups does this. But to keep this simple it really does come back to you and your feelings for the girlfriend and how you have been hurt by the group as a whole. Which I think anyone can relate to that one.

It is very hurtful for a shut out like that to happen especially if it is the first time it has happened like this.

What you need to keep into focus is the feelings you have for this girl and are you blaming the group for doing that to you or do you actually know who is responsible for not inviting you?

Acknowledging your hurt is the first step and asking yourself why you are feeling it so strongly. Usually groups disband as we get older I have been through this my daughter has as well and that is still changing for her as she may move from a new work place to another new one.Some of the people from the old stay in contact and some do not. Do you see how it works? Everyone goes through it however when we have connected with an individual we actually want a relationship with it just makes it seem harder because the emotions are still floating around even though you think you have dealt with them something will come up and bang there it is again.Don't worry its a tricky bugger.

I have something very very similar going on in my life and I know that it is going to take a talk to the person about my feelings and how I have felt about not being involved in her life more than I have been.this is a family thing though so I have to sort it out because I know it is always going to come up in the family grapevine stuff.Where as within friends today you have facebook to see whats going on it use to be just a natural flow of moving on then sometimes but not often you will meet up years later and remember where you were at then and compare it to today.Bit like remembering a childhood friend do you still know them today.

I am hoping you will learn how to deal with those feelings you have for the girl because she is looking after herself as they all are they are not in charge of you and when we are talking about groups I am pretty sure they do not all feel the same way it is really like sheep following someone or other are you a follower or do you prefer to make up your own mind. Nothing stopping you from joining groups for a little but nothing stopping you from looking after your needs as well.

All the best have patience with yourself I reckon you will click soon.

Did you like my novel(lol)

Actually I would call it a brochure for Followers, Leaders or just me.(Personally I play with both)

Giggles

p.s. You can not make someone have feelings for you just as you can not make yourself have feelings for someone who may be interested in you.

got little true story here.When I was in high school there was this Highschool classmate, a guy that I meet up with years later and he said that he had always fancied me but was too shy to say anything I was shocked and also disappointed because I thought he was really cute. Damn it (lol)So there you go.Its all good now though we were not meant to be together I struck gold with my partner.

Cya

[Lee-Lee-V]

Hello S15 🙂

 I just wanted to let you know that you are doing great with your unrequited love 🙂  You are being very mature about it.  And just a reminder, someone great will come along into your life in time and it will make it really easy to let go of loves from your past.  Trust me, it just happened to me this year!  

 As far as feeling left out by your friendship group, remember that this is often a symptom of depression (feeling like you cant connect and that no-one understands).  It must have hurt to not be invited to the bonfire, but maybe they thought you wern't enjoying group situations (you did mention that at the previous party you "sulked and spent most of the night in the spare room, out of sight. The next morning snuck out without saying goodbye, and went home")  I too am experiencing this kind of feeling when I am in group situations.  Have you tried catching up with your friends one-on-one?   I've found that spending one-on-one time with my friends has been really helpful.  I find a can speak more freely and be heard, without the distraction of others.  It has shown me how many people care about me.  Even just chatting to people on facebook can help a lot.  Word of advice, do not cut them off for good!  It will make you feel lonlier.  Maybe they havent had any experience with depression and just don't understand what you are going through.  For now just work on your own self esteem (i'm doing this at the moment too) and spend quality time with individuals rather than groups and you might find it very beneficial.  All the best, let me know how you go.  Lots of love ❤️

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Unrequited love sucks.  You're a stronger man than I if you can stand to be around her and not have what once were magical, joyous feelings devolve into a festering pool of bitterness and self-pity.  In my experience, time apart is the only thing that works for these things.

I had a friend move interstate to get away from a very persistent lady whose feelings he could not return.  She'd start rumours about him so as to keep any other females away from him.  She'd nick off from work or uni EVERY time the opportunity arose to see him.

Another rather love-stricken lady had to move away from her boyfriend, kept in sporadic contact with him over the internet, and fell in love with him all over again every time she saw him, every couple months or so.  He'd use her for sex and push her head down in the car when driving past people he knew.  She'd get home and cry herself to sleep, cut herself, tell herself she was a whore, mentally recover a little bit and say "Never again!  I want nothing to do with him!", and then do it all again next time.

I fell in love, once.  Thought about killing myself a lot.

Powerful magic, this love stuff.


I dunno about your bonfire invitation thing.  Possibly there was some completely innocent reason you weren't invited.  Sometimes someone just doesn't get invited because everyone figures "He's gonna be here anyway.  Someone's already invited him, surely.".  Surely related to the Bystander Effect.  Maybe you should talk to your friends about your concerns.  Friends should be able to talk to each other.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Oh nevermind, you already did.  Well, I'd tend to believe them just because it's easier than getting all paranoid.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear S15  (you know S26 is a formula food for breastfeeding ?  Just saying.   Lol),

Cutting off friends ?  Whatever happened to compassion, understanding, tolerance, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, getting by, seeing the other side, working things out, seeing that someone has had a bad day, thinking "Well in 10 years time will any of this anxiety ridden reaction to what people said, didn't say, could've said, etc, really mean anything ?".

Even in a court of law the accused is given a trial, nay, a fair trial.    Do you get anxious over everything or just personal relationships ?   This kind of thing can eat you alive.    Even if you get married the relationship will need quite a bit of understanding and work.    There is no need to cancel friends or partners over Facebook photos or messy situations.  Don't you want to keep this friends in the long run ?  

Adios, David.

[vip]

S15 hello gee a long story but hope my reply back helps. Gee Im not a fan of facebook I believe it causes more problems than anything thats why Im not on it. Anyway your are still young think about going on a backpacking holiday and experience new people different cultures ect or a Tour this is a fantastic way to meet new friends ect. If you have these negative feelings about what is going on listen to to what your heart is telling you and move away from all this drama you owe it to yourself to be happy. Explore the world and find those people who care and will give you the time. Anyway hope this post helps