Where to start, Ok so im 23 and i have been suffering on and off from
Depression, Anxiety & OCD since i was about 7. I had a fantastic
upbringing cant fault it at all. I have a beautiful son, incredibly
supportive parents, a loving sister and last bu...
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Where to start, Ok so im 23 and i have been suffering on and off from
Depression, Anxiety & OCD since i was about 7. I had a fantastic
upbringing cant fault it at all. I have a beautiful son, incredibly
supportive parents, a loving sister and last but not least a fiance. Im
sorry if im boring anyone just thought id start from scratch and im
actually really happy to have found this website ive been dying to get
my story out there and find out if there are other people like myself.
Ok so my first real memory of id say anxiety & ocd was when i was about
10, before leaving my parents whether i was going to bed or to a friends
house ect id have to ask them numerous times and get to reassure me that
i wasnt going to die, basically that id wake up or id return. No matter
how many times id ask it was still never enough, i feel quite bad to my
mum actually theres nights id come out of my room and ask her about 1000
times and still go back to bed convinced i was going to die and not wake
up. Anyway i remember going to the dr about it all, id already been to a
councilor prior to this for my ocd with washing hands ect but i dont
remember much of that. So yes dont recall what happened at the drs when
i went and from what i can remember everything turned around from my
memory i feel like the whole death fear went to a complete holt and
everything was going well. Age 13 my family and i moved states and that
was quite hard for me as i hated having to move away from my friends and
the thought of having to make new ones was so scary, but anyway i did it
but struggled each morning to get to school, i think i was home more
than at school. I had what i now consider were good friends but i guess
i didnt see it at the time. Every morning before school was a struggle,
i just remember sitting in the back of mum and dads car with extreme
pains in the stomach feeling as though i was going to diarrhea from
nerves. And this same routine went on the entire year that i lived
there. I remember going and seeing a counselor but being a 13 year old
the last thing you want to do is sit there and tell a stranger your
problems so i basically told her i was ok and i didnt need to see her
anymore so that was that. After a year my family and i moved back to our
original area which i was extremley happy about to be reunited with my
friends again. It was hard at first because a year went by but in my
mind i imagined everything would be the same but as people do they grow
and change as time goes by so it was hard at first to get back in to the
swing of my old group but after a while things were ok. I always had
fears of not being good enough for people and being ugly or fat ect, my
first real memory that stuck with me was at school in year 7 being
laughed at because of the way i ran, to most people that seems trivial
but to this day it sticks out in my head the way it made me feel and
affected me. Also a comment made from a girl also seems trivial but she
said i breathed heavily and made a joke of it and to this day im always
conscience of my breathing and making sure its not to loud even in front
of my own family. Anyway back on track things were ok between the age of
14-16 like i always had the thoughts in my head, tormenting me that i
wasnt good enough or i hope i dont sound stupid ect ect although i
remember a class i had no friends in, i sat alone, often ridiculed by
the people sitting behind me that was quite challenging, kids can be
mean especially 15 year olds, i eventually moved classes which was one
of the best days of my life i no longer had to feel unwanted and alone.
I considered my group of friends as good, but i guess i felt like i was
always fighting to keep up with them, making sure i always joined in so
i wasnt left out, being left out was an easy reaccurance though, i
struggled with that too not knowing why i was last picked or never
thought of ect. Its hard cos your fears get backed up sometimes, so its
hard to pick yourself back up. It wasnt until i left school and had a
falling out with what i considered a close friend at the time that
things got bad. I was 16 wasnt working, basically just would help mum
around the house. I guess not having to get up and face people at school
and well face anyone made things hard and made socializing very
difficult. Especially once id had the falling out with my best friend at
the time i didnt want to go ANYWHERE. Didnt want to risk bumping into
her or anyone else from school who had left unwanted marks on my life.
Everything was so overwhelming, but mum being the supportive lady she is
pushed me and i ended up working with her for about 7 months which was
good i loved it. Unfortunatley all good things come to an end and the
business closed for alot of reasons but one of them happened to be my
nan passing away from cancer. That was hard i feel like i was sort of
out of it while nan had cancer, when i think about it now im angry that
i didnt spend more time with her or help her more. I remember nans last
week like it was yesterday. I found her on the floor, i dont know how
long shed been laying there but i ran to get mum i was so scared she was
already gone but she wasnt, the ambulance came and took her to hospital
and i went later that night to see nan. She wasnt with it, she was up
and talking and remembered my sister and i but she was saying things
that just didnt make sense. She went downhill from there, day 2 she went
into a coma and never woke up. It wasnt until day 4 or 5 until she
actually passed away. It was so hard for my mum especially she suffered
the worst. Things sort of went blank for me after that nan died in april
and i ended up getting a job with a cousin in october. It was my first
real job so it was pretty scary and didnt make it any easier having a
horrible manager one that critisized me about my weight. It was december
and one day id had enough so i just walked out and never went back. I
was 17 incase anyone had lost track lol. I seriously dont expect anyone
to sit here and read of this, it feels good to let it all out and i
figured this is what this website is for but feedback would be great.
From age 17-19 was my worst, id completley shut off from the world once
again didnt want to face anyone, only contact i had was with mum, dad,
sister, aunt uncle and internet friends. I went and saw a lady for it,
she diagnozed me with the obvious but the main thing was social anxiety,
i didnt want to be around my boyfriend (not so serious relationship) at
the time, old friends no one. All of my relationships suffered and i
guess thats why i lost so many friends but i could never explain to them
about the anxitey or how i felt they would of never understood. I feel
like ive gotten myself in way to deep with this story i think i might
cut a long story short, alot happened, went to about 3 different
physcologists in which none of them helped, went on 3 different meds
none of them helped or help still on an antidepressant as of now and its
doing NOTHING. I stay home most days, if i go out its with mum shes the
only real person i trust to go out with because she knows me inside and
out. Most places i go i find myself having to run off to the toilet with
diarrhea which is 80% of the reason why i dont like going out or
socializing but the other 20% is because i dont think im a people
person, i dont make good conversation. I think people find me boring. I
dont say much. As im shy and well yeah. Wouldnt we all love to be the
loud confident girl who everybody loves. My son is my world, he is the
light to this darkness. I need to change for him i need help, i dont
want him to experience what i experience day in day out i dont want him
to miss out on life because of me, theres so many places i could and
should be taking him but my anxiety/panic/depression holds me back. I
think thats why i buy him so much i try and make up for it that way, i
do believe i am a fantastic mother thats probably the only thing i do
like about myself but a mother living in a bubble is not good for my
son, hes young now but before i know it he will be starting school and
im going to have to go out into the world and face it. I cant do
anything without my mum, im terrified if anything ever happened to her
what my life would be. Im sorry i keep jumping stories, things come to
my head and im like write that down lol. Also asides from all this my
fear of death is back but x10, im petrified of having a heartattack or
stroke or cancer ect. Being 130+kg dosent help. I wasnt always this big.
I was around 80kg before i had my son. It wasnt until my son was about 1
i started comfort eating and well i havent stopped. Thats all i do eat
chocolate takeaway and drink coke. You would think for someone so afraid
to die i wouldnt eat all this food inclinded to kill you its such a
vicious cycle im getting anxiety just writing this post theres so much
that goes on in my head on a daily basis =( one day id love to just wake
up, take my beautiful son out enjoy our day not worry about my weight or
if im going to die or if im going to need to go to a toilet and not find
one and make a mess of myself or be made fun of by people ect. You all
get my drift im sorry for all of this writing its chaotic i know this is
my thoughts on a daily basis =( full time job anxiety and depression is
=( thank you to whoever takes the time to actually read all of this. xx
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