Whats next?

[Mummyhazel]

Hi everyone, Im a mother of 2, a defence wife and was diagnosed with post-natal depression and anxiety. Ive recently hit a point where everything ive been doing over the last 8 months to aid my recovery feels like a waste of time.

I relocated to Sydney 6 weeks after my 2nd child was born (away from friends and family) and feel like this was the point my illness became evident.
I do practise cognitive therapy, and mindfulness most days I was seeing a counsellor regularly and I exercise as much as I can...this has been getting me by.

But the last few months it feels like my world is falling apart. My husband got his notice he will be deploying to the middle east for 7 months and we decided to move me home to be closer to family and help considering im not always 100% emotionally and I have struggled with motherhood...the defence turned down our request for assistance with our relocation so we payed for it ourselves and I packed up the house by myself, this was most upsetting as we had saved for a romantic holiday (our first holiday as a couple EVER) but had to use our savings on the moving truck.
then only a week before our move the defence force decided to deny us entry to a defence housing property....My truck was on its way and I had said my good byes, redirected our mail to the inlaws, pulled my eldest from day-care and transferred my course to the location I was supposed to be moving too (yes I managed to start studying aswell...I am a bit crazy!)

So this leads me to my current situation...Homeless and bouncing between family members trying to find a home, our belongings dumped under a family members house, im commencing my studies next month, My husband is away working until Christmas break then after that away again for 7 months (don't even ask about a sex life!!!) 

Physically im loosing weight, my skin is aging, I cant even see the point in general Hygiene anymore...my reflection isn't what I would expect a 25 year old to look like! 

Emotionally I cry everyday, Im confused, I cant raise my voice to ask for help, Im filled with guilt.....I think about death and wonder into day long anxiety attacks shaking and feeling ill. I hate crowds, and I feel like everyone is staring directly at my flaws or the things I talk about will just be joked about when im not there.

I ignore my children when they want my attention (apart from feeding and washing and caring for them as much as any human being would...the love and joy isn't behind it like it used to be)- I just don't want to listen or deal with their horrible behaviour (the move into a homeless disrupted situation has just killed any working routine I had). They are beautiful girls but the fact im alone all day with them and im ashamed to ask for help or a day off means I turn into mean mummy and I see myself acting selfish and ignorant..i hate myself for it but im tired of smiling and pretending im happy with this.

To top it all of my parents have decided to separate so they are both recently diagnosed with depression and I haven't had the courage to tell them of my illness (why burden them with it when they cant even function emotionally themselves) I never had the best childhood with them either but that's a whole other story I haven't even personally decided to start dealing with.

Ive come here basically to speak and let it all out! I don't know whats next....I just sat on the stairwell after tucking my girls in and thought...'I could just disappear now and they would be ok because my husbands family (the most amazing family in he world) are just next door to look after them. I think about vanishing all the time...not on holiday but just vanishing so everyone else can be happy! I feel like im living in secrecy, I talk to myself out loud all day long... I drive with he fear im about to crash...every stranger is an attacker or paedophile about to get me or my children...

Im tired of checking windows 5 times before bed, crying in my pillow, visioning how happy my husband would be with someone else...yes...im rambling!! but this is my thought pattern...always scatterd and confused. I loose my phone 5 times a day, misplace my keys, forget important dates....

I don't know where my head is at anymore and im scared!!

[Chris_B]

Hi Mummyhazel,

What a cluster of things to happen all at once – I’m so sorry.

To try and simplify things a little, I’ll focus on one thing you mention, ‘I don’t know what’s next’.

At times like this, focusing on the simplicity of ‘what’s next’, as in what do I have to do in the next half-hour, this morning, today, this week can help get you through while you start to build up some support around you to weather the storm.

I think you have to ask for some professional help at least, as you are understandably anxious, upset, it’s affecting you physically and mentally and you’re concerning about how you’re behaving towards your children as a result.  Please go and see your GP about getting a counselling referral.

There’s a lot on your plate right now, and what may help is looking at – what can I take off?  Is it worth postponing your studies till next year while you get your health and a new place to live sorted?

It sounds like your parents may not be the best support for you right now, but you mention other family members that are helping – can you confide in them about how you’re feeling?  Your in-laws?  You describe them as amazing, I am sure they would understand how you are feeling and the strain you are under.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best

CB

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Online Community Manager