How do people in the medical field cope??

[ApproachingNormal]

Hi everyone.

For the last few years I have worked in the field of anaesthesia and found it to be one of the most interesting and rewarding careers but over the last few months have been struggling with my depression and have been having more regular downs than ups.

I had recently been involved in a paediatric resus with a bad outcome, it was just devastating. At the time I did not think it affected me as much as what it did to other staff who were visually upset and rightly so. But over the last few weeks the event has been playing over and over in my mind. There was nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome. Over the years I have seen some pretty horrific stuff, but no prior event has ever triggered this same response in me. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks for me mentally, it was affecting my work and people knew I wasn't my self. I knew I wasn't my self as well but I just went on, ignoring the fact that my depression was worsening, I suppose pretending it wasn't happening. People were asking what was wrong and I just couldn't tell them the truth. I went to my GP and told him what I was going through and he helped me out with some advice and meds. I have an appointment to see a counsellor in two weeks but don't really know how that's going to go as I struggle talking face to face with people about my mental health issues.

I am wondering if there are any other people that may be in the same boat or have had similar experiences and what their coping mechanisms are when faced with similar situations?

Cheers
Arron.

[Beetle]

Hi Arron Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I can see myself in your story! I am also working in the medical field and pretended maybe for 10 years that i am 'OK".As you describe it is extremely exhausting to put up a brave face everyday , go to work, face the daily medical dramas and also carry your own drama around all day. I dont know if you felt like i did , but I felt i was constantly dragging a mountain range on my shoulders. I thought i must be just exhausted, im not sleeping enough or am just unfit. Everything in life was an efford. I believe i always had the inkling that somehow something was not right with my mental healht-but I was terrified to admit to that.I could not admit to myself that i may need help for my mental sanity.I thought If i admit to that I would get the label " crazy', Looney’, incompetent, weak'. So i decided I will pretend everything is fine believing if i pretend long enough everything is fine and the strange thoughts and suicidal ideas will just disappear into thin air. The last three years it got worse. Every 3 month ot so i became seriously suicidal and it took me until last week when i finally gave up the pretend and confessed to my GP how i feel. Arron sorry for all the text about me. I just wanted to explain that i believe us people in the medical field may think we are indestructible since we have to be so strong for our patients.we have their lives in our hands and are supposed to know what to do. If some dark cloud creeps up and fogs our mind we certainly ignore it since we want to be strong. Also I always believed that strong willpower is the only solution against depression, even though I knew from my studies that was complete BS. However by constructing my own littel 'fantasy world' and lying to myself i could pretend for years that 'i am fine'. as you i could never talk to anyone about my mental health. After I told my GP I also confess to three friends that im on anti depressants and that i felt suicidal.  i had to  tell tehm since the drugs did have side effects and people were probing me on what kind of stuff I am on and if everything was alright......That was the hardest thing to do, to tell them that i was not the strong super human, that something was terrible wrong and out of control. I dont know what it is with us medics but maybe its a way to cope by pretending we are immune to mental illness and physical illness. Maybe by doing this we overcome our fear of our own mortality. I mean superman and superwoman wont get sick would they? I mean they cant since they have to make sure their patients are ok. Arrron try to talk aboutr that trauma you have experienced. It sounds like you have bottled up all this horrific resuses and they all come up bubbling to the surface. I can still remember everyone I had to resuscitate. I still remember everyone who died in my arms. I believe after a while it all gets too much for our brain and its 'overheating' causing illness. I really hope your meds kick in as nicely as mine and that your counseling will help.I have heaps of dizzyspells and nauseau and stuff from the SNRI but the constant worry and suicidal thoughts are gone. Its such a relief. I sent you good vibes your way. Keep us updated how you feel. Beetle  

[geoff]

dear Arrron and Beetle, this includes the both of you as you are suffering.

The job that both of you do takes incredible study and experience to achieve what you want to do, so there is so much respect, especially from myself, as I have had a few operations which required an anaesthesia.

For whatever reason problems can happen, and it must be gut wrenching when a child doesn't pull through, and naturally we blame ourselves and there be no doubt I would suffer the same as you two.

There are so many circumstances that would be so difficult I really feel sorry for the both of you.

You are both professionals in your trade, but this doesn't mean that depression won't edge towards you, all different human beings are prone to get depression, but each case is as important as the next.

Arrron I would print out this post and any responses so that you can give it to your psych, but the one thing to remember is that in this case you are a normal human being seeking the counselling from someone who is trained in this particular field, and as Beetle has done is to probably take any medication that is prescribed for you.

I have found that this post has been difficult for me, as I replying to two well trained and experienced people, but if I forget about your profession then it's just be able to support you two.

There was another well qualified person who wrote in a few weeks ago, seeking some help, advice or suggestions on how they could handle the situation they were in, but unfortunately we never received a reply, which was disappointing, but it maybe due to other circumstances, like she felt embarrassed, and there was no need for this.

There are heaps of people on this site who offer advice, or suggestions but definitely want to help those that are deep in that black hole, and it doesn't matter whether you are a rocket scientist or just a plain person, because with depression it doesn't differ amongst us all. Geoff.

[Beetle]

HI Goeff

I found being a professional makes everything harder. I for example realized now, thanks to the "magic mushroom drugs 😉 " that i looked after others peoples wellbeing but forgot myself. I pushed and pushed so hard to function that i finally ended up in a heap. I expected from myself that I could heal myself. What an idiotic mindset. If i would know everyhting. but i guess thats the disease speaking there..... As a professional i guess others also expect you to know everything, do the right things and dont get sick since we just dont. DOH.

So i think i internalized this expectations which made me finally sick. Sorry i think i have high jacked Approaching Normals thread..... Just wanted to respond to your post Geoff. Its been a wonderful enlightening post. Thanks. And remember we professionals are no different to anyone. If our own health is endangered we ( well i can only speak of myself) are colorblind and helpless.

 Beetle  

[ApproachingNormal]

Hi Beetle and Geoff,

Thankyou so much for your reply and support, it was very comforting to know there are other people here that are going through the same issues as me. Beetle I appreciate you opening up about what you have been going through and what you described is almost identical to what I am experiencing right now. It actually made my day to hear such a similar story (not good that we have to experience it) but it gave me relief that I am not going crazy as such.

I too have been on the denial train for quite some time mostly because of the stigma and being labelled incompetent. I guess at work we are too busy caring about everyone else's lives except our own. I tend to refrain from talking about my emotions from the result of patient deaths, more so because I don't want to burden anyone else with it. My philosophy was that you deal with what ever comes through the doors, do what you have to do then move straight on to your next patient. There was no real time to reflect on what had just occurred. However I also do remember every patient...  That experience I gave in my first post was my first paediatric death and on reflection it probably didn't really sink in until the adrenaline had worn off.

Geoff thanks for the idea of printing this post out. I think it will give the Psych more of an insight into my issues, particularly on the first visit. Don't really know how I am going to manage talking to someone face to face but will give it a shot.

Thanks guys.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Approaching,

I had 3 months in the funeral industry as relief from my musical profession.   It was serious in the right context but outside the services and dealing with the grieving public it was the funniest place I'd ever worked.  Maybe this use of very black humour was a coping mechanism ?

There would be pressure to keep going if there's a line of patients of list of jobs to do medical work on.    It's like these essential services aren't allowed to get sick.  And some of the shifts end up being 80 hrs a week +.

Adios, David.

PS  I just wanted to work with a (dead) person that would be there - most of the musicians we hire have a slack attitude to turning up and it causes a lot of anguish when I, as a composer, might have spent a couple of hundred hours writing the music.   Guess everyone turns up for a funeral.

[geoff]

dear Beetle and ApproachingNormal, thanks for replying it's good to hear back from the professionals, and that's what you two are.

Like all professions we tend to neglect our own thinking, but I really want to thank you two for even thinking about posting on this site, it must have a decision that went through your minds 'will I' or won't I', or even more 'should I'.

You 2 have had to help sillions of different people, different colour and race, and even some that don't speak our language, but none of us are foolproof and can never expect to be, and if someone feels as though they are oblivious to not falling into this black hole, then this is a problem.

The philosophy of believing that you deal with so many people and that you are imperious and can cope with all situations without breaking down isn't a viable choose, because you are humans, and because you can withhold being affected before the next person doesn't make you or anyone a stronger person.

I really appreciate your strength on telling us of your situation, and as a patient I would have no hesitation in seeing you, and it's a plus really because the people you see I'm sure would also be suffering from this illness, so you understand. Geoff.

[Super_Nurse]

Hi ApproachingNormal & Beetle

What a relief to find other people here who are in the medical profession who suffer a Mental Illness. I myself have a history of Depression, including Postnatal Depression.  Primarily I am an Aged Care Nurse however I have worked in other disciplines of Nursing since I qualified in 2007.

I've always been of the belief (and I still have to consciously challenge that belief every day) that 'I'm too busy looking after everyone else to worry about myself' and as an Aged Care Nurse in particular, although it's not always very clinically challenging, or stimulating, glamorous or rewarding; the relationship I build with my residents and their families makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.  And brings me great job satisfaction.  The residents and their family members tend to view you as their family.  And if we're 'not quite right' in ourselves, how can we be the best we can be for those in our care?  So, simply not getting 'sick' doesn't work (if it did, we wouldn't all be here) but knowing when we are unwell, seeking help in managing it and identifying it means we can be that person those in our care deserve.  To go into someone's home every day and be seen as a member of the residents family, brings me great joy.  Yes, it's always nice to build relationships, be they short term or long term, with those in my care.

And then, they die...

Approaching, I can totally understand when you say you remember everyone of your resus' as I remember every one of my residents who pass away, be it on my shift or not.  And having lost my Father I look beyond the needs of the (now) deceased resident and I feel for their children (of course, they're adult children by this stage, but that's still their Mum/Dad who has passed away & I know what that's like)

Having been in Healthcare for 10yrs now, first as an Aged Carer and now as an Enrolled Nurse, I thought I'd 'get used' to it, death.  And I'd learn that it's just part of the job.  And it is!  What I tend to do now when a resident passes away is reflect on the care that I, as just one of an entire multidisciplinary team, have given to them during their time in the facilities I work in.  And I take away comfort from the knowledge that I did what I could to make their lives that little bit better.  And to be with someone as they pass away, be it peacefully and expectedly, or in a resus situation like you described; is an amazing thing.  Consider all the people that our patient/resident has encountered in their lifetime, regardless of how old they are.  And it's us, who are fortunate enough to be with them, doing what we do, and doing what we love, as they pass away.  An incredibly humbling experience.  Traumatic, sometimes yes.  Emotional, definitely.  Sad, always.  But still, we have done everything we can for the people who need us.

When I am involved in a particularly emotional death, they're all emotional, but the ones that seem to 'get to' me for longer than I'd like, I talk with my colleagues about it.  Be it other Nurses, Care Workers, or people I know through Nursing who I don't work with anymore.  I find that a problem shared is a problem halved.  I hope that sharing my coping strategies and my views on dealing with death in my professional life can help you to get some perspective and some insight into how to cope with it in yours.

Same for you Beetle 🙂

Thanks for reading through my rant guys!  And keep up the good work.

[ApproachingNormal]

Thanks Geoff,

It took me hours, probably a day to write my initial couple of paragraphs and then another hour procrastinating over whether I should push the send button. It was hard and confronting but it has helped me get back on track. I'm glad I did it and discovered that other people are in the same vote. I know there are many many many more people who suffer in silence and a small portion of those have chosen different paths to manage their symptoms i.e. alcohol and other substances, but that only leads you further and further down the rabbit hole. I was determined not to become one of those statistics.

I cant criticise the choice they made though. I know what they are going through and how hard it may seem and I guess they just saw it to be the easier option at the time. I have been witness to a good friend and colleague that chose the wrong path, and initially you wouldn't have suspected anything wrong, but slowly cracks began to appear and though he couldn't see it himself, the rest of the department did. The job got the better of him. That was another reason I pushed the send button.

We all react to life's challenges in different way's. We react for better or worse.

[geoff]

dear ApproachingNormal, you make a very good point when you say ' who suffer in silence and a small portion of those have chosen different paths to manage their symptoms', and I was one of these people as my only solace was the alcohol, because not even the love for my sons could pull me through, but the temptation to do something fatal while under the influence is so much greater, because at those times I wasn't scared of anything, and even today my death doesn't worry me.

When you sit down on a train, bus or even at work and look around at the those people either sitting there or doodling away on a piece of paper, you wonder how many of those are hiding their depression, and then you look at a very young child and think to yourself, what has this little child got to cope with throughout their life. Geoff.