trapped behind a screen of fear

[Gertie_Rose]

Hi,

I have PTSD. I'm getting better but I notice a severe lack of motivation.

I've had about a week and a half off work and I just never want to do anything. I'm not engaged with life. There's a whole beautiful world for me to enjoy but I just resolutely, stubbornly, WON'T. I just waste day after day lying around, sitting and reading, whatever.

Whenever I get an idea to do something I have a crushing resolution that there is no point.

And yet I'm bored and hate myself for never doing anything, being so unimaginative, being so boring, not making the most of life.

How have you overcome that lack of vitality, fear of doing anything, conviction that there is no point in doing anything, resistance to fully living?

What is it truly about, do you think? Where does it come from? What's the underlying belief?

I've spent, like, a decade sitting around preferring to think and analyze, than to do. 

[hope4joy]

Hi Nellie,

its good to hear back from you. And that's great you're seeing your GP - and really brave too. Please try to remember that she/he is there to help and so it's totally okay to share the difficulties you're struggling with, to give them a full picture to see how they can help. You said you have a while to wait to get in, how far off is your appointment? Have you been seeing that GP for long or are they a new doctor? I'm waiting for my psychiatrist to be back from six weeks leave, she'll be back on Monday and sometimes it feels like an eternity - even a few days or weeks wait can be drawn out at time. It sounds good that you've written things down, I've done that before, and it means I can remember to share what's important.

I hear you about not fitting in with friends because they've all got families - of all my old friends there is only one other aside from me who is single and childless. It has caused me a lot of grief and anxiety lately that time is running out biologically, as I recently turned 35. I guess I'm trying to come to terms that it might never happen. And yet I also have many people around me who only met their partner in their late 30s and then had kids. I guess my first priority is to try to get my depression under control. Its crazy because I've had depression/anxiety for years but always tried to manage it on my own... it makes me sad that i've let so much time pass. But i try to focus on what i can do now and that if i can build myself up slowly over the next few years maybe i wont come crashing down again, like i have in the past. Gosh i hope this isn't sounding too negative. What about youNellie, do you hope to have a partner and or kids? 

And Nellie, I'm so sorry that you have lost hope right now. Its a frightening place to be and very lonely. Please trust that you will find things you enjoy again, and people that appreciate you. You sound like a really considerate caring sort of person, who does well in a social sort of environment. And it is so hard to connect when depression and anxiety are around in force. Its sad you've stopped yoga, if it was something that helped. I also stopped late last year for a good few months and have just started again though slowly. I have gone backward in almost all the poses, but i try to focus on the two or so that i've somehow gotten better in. I find it hard feeling weak and stiff, but try to trust that i will get stronger in time again and at least it is doing me well in going.

[hope4joy]

...oops I'm a bit rambly this morning and ran out of words. Its great you're walking again Nellie, that is something really positive.

Just thinking, you described that you're more motivated when someone else sets your timetable. Maybe you could use that to your advantage? Maybe you could see a psychologist who could help you schedule time, to help with structure. Have you got any therapy support Nellie?

Be kind to yourself,

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Nellie7]

Dear Christina,

Thankyou for your response, you have managed to understand were I'm at and the difficulties that I am feeling and thinking. It's all consuming.

I went to a GP (mine is on holiday) and I have a follow up appointment next week. It's the first time I had seen her and she gave me some names of psychologists however they're all on holiday. I am also stressed about the cost as I am single with no real other supports. She gave me a prescription for sleeping tablets as well. The tablets have helped in that I have now been able to sleep therefore reducing my anxiety about my current state. This has enabled me to eat some food and be a bit more proactive. However every day, that initiate get up is hard. I have also started to realise that I have been always a bit anxious about everything - is this good enough, did I say something wrong, an I in the way...I have become accustomed to this level of anxiety in everyday activities and it's sad.

What you wrote about trying to deal with your depression over the years, looking back at time wasted is how I feel. I've started thinking why didn't I do something earlier rather than pretend all is fine and I was happy. However I am feeling kind of good that I have made a start now rather than never. I'm 40 and it feels like I have lost a lot. I have fallen into a few old habits this last week in an effort to cope - making plans with others, doing things for others to stop focusing on myself. It's been handy in that it has created distance however I have a large amount of work to complete for work and I have not started. It so hard to stay mentally focussed when by myself. I have created a list (an effort to plan myself) and I'm going to attempt to complete it over two days as a starting point.

You mentioned you built yourself up over the years, can I ask what you did to that enabled you to do this?

Best of wishes

Nellie

[hope4joy]

Hi Nellie,

its really nice to find your response here! I've been away on an overnight trip for work and must have missed your reply before that. I find it confusing trying to track posts!

I'm glad you're getting some more sleep, I think its something basic we need (like food and water) in order to function. You've done well to get by having so little. I've been really lucky in that regard, ever since I was a kid i've loved sleep and normally sleep 7 hours or so - lately i've had to check i don't sleep too much. How is your eating going? Have you found any foods that are easier to stomach Nellie?

Hey you mentioned being worries about psychologist fees, I hear you on that one. I've rung around in the past and asked whether they are willing to bulk bill me - sometimes the receptionist can tell you, sometimes you're able to speak to the psychologist and other times its annoying you have to ask in the first session. My experience is that there are a few psychologists (and psychiatrists) who are happy to bulk bill (i.e. they just take the fee from medicare and charge you nothing) and then there are more commonly psychologists who will charge you a set amount above the medicare fee, like $20-$30. It is really worthwhile ringing around before hand if you have the energy, as even a small gap can really add up.

Yeah I also hear you Nellie about worrying so much - about what other's think, how I reacted/what I said etc - this is my goal for 2016 to limit this type of thinking and try to make choices based on a positive image of myself. They're so troubling these doubts aren't they. I hope we can both find better ways to think about ourselves and situations! I definitely feel the loss and grief for what is passed, but the future is also there.

How did you go with that work you had to do?

You asked about how I've built myself up Nellie. I was meaning that is something I'd like to do more over the next few years 🙂 But when I stop and think about it, I have built myself up a lot. I think the biggest thing for me was to stop moving city and to stay in situations and confront problems as they arose without leaving. Doing a group therapy program for 14 months also helped. I guess staying put has meant the my depression/ anxiety has caught up with me and now its time to work through it rather than always running away. I wish I were stronger and more connected socially, sometimes its hard to acknowledge the positive changes.

I'm outta words - kind wishes, Christina