Seeking glue for my House of Cards?

[Bayleaf]

I am the happiest I have ever been and I have a great deal to be happy about. I live in comfort with most amazing woman who is, without doubt, the love of my life. I have everything yet quite suddenly I am miserable, lethargic and frightened. In the dark moment, I hate myself and my eternal failure, I see my hopes, my efforts and my happiness as examples of my self delusion as I mark time until the moment of death.

I have suffered from depression and social anxiety since childhood, "he's a shy boy". I've been taken to, sent to and gone to the doctor more times than I can remember, with little to show for it. For many years I sought refuge in alcohol to the point where it almost killed me and continue to live with the physical consequences of that. During those years professional medicine (UK) offered a choice between drinking and treatment for depression, I could not have both and I chose to drink although, on reflection, there was really no choice, I was physically dependent. Somewhere in The Last Chance Saloon I found an organisation called Turning Point and in 2010, with their help, I went through a medically supervised detox, my third. I believe that in getting and staying dry I created the conditions in which I could get well and my life could become better, no guarantees but a fighting chance and I have been one of the lucky ones, sobriety has given me everything or almost everything. In recovery, I have met and married the most wonderful woman, we have each helped the other through dark time and enjoyed good ones together and continue to do so. 

Without alcohol and with the help and support of "my angel" I have been able to manage my fears and depression much better but they both still exist and right now they are biting hard. Since arriving in Australia I have found a little niche within my new society but lately that niche has become less secure and my confidence has taken a knock. I am self employed and my work is physically demanding, I love that and it is part both of my recovery and my identity but in the busy run up to Christmas I overdid the whole thing and became ill. My reaction to physical illness has been predictable, but only in hindsight: "I can't do all of it so I can't do any of it, I am a failure, I am useless, my life is a house of cards and it's about to fall apart". Well I can't do it all but as to the rest: I can, I'm not, I'm not it isn't and it won't.

This post is a gathering of thoughts, yours gratefully accepted.

[Scotchfinger]

I enjoyed reading your post Bayleaf. Sounds like you are doing  well. Being self-employed is especially impressive. Better not to be so hard on yourself if you aren't performing up to your own expectations. Lower those expectations perhaps?

Anyway good luck with everything.

[Kazzl]

Hi Bayleaf, welcome to the forum!
Thanks for your post - I think it raises some interesting issues for a lot of us here. Why do we still get depression when there's nothing obviously wrong? And why does it sometimes strike just when things are going well?
Some people can pinpoint their mental health problems as a result of an experience, a trauma or tragedy, a bad childhood, abuse, guilt or some other direct cause. But some of us can't ... there's no obvious reason. And when we're well we fear it will come back and cause havoc in our otherwise happy lives. I like the house of cards analogy - very appropriate.
I do know what you mean, and I can't really work out why my head is like it is ... it just is.
So, what to do? I don't really know, I hope maybe others will have some thoughts ... 
How do we manage the fear, and that sudden, hard 'crash' when things go wrong.

Kaz
PS: Well done on kicking the booze.

[Jacko777]

Welcome Bayleaf, I am glad you have posted.

It has helped me in the past to practice a Buddhism style disconnection in my mind, taking a step back and being an observer. To find out who I really am I have challenged my connection to material objects and wealth, to people in my life and to my self and my body. I have come to believe that you can only 'lose' something if you cling to tightly to it. As you said, it's your identity, your physical side, but you can lose bits at any time, who will you be then? Who would you be if you had no money? Who would you be without your loved ones? Tough horrible questions but the answer is golden! You would be the beautiful person you can be, filled with unconditional love and care and passion. I am not my job, I am not my body, the real me comes from the heart. Love is the glue...slap it on.

Jack

[Bayleaf]

Thanks for the replies and the welcomes guys.

Lowering my expectations is surely part of the next move Scotchfinger, thank you. And love, Jacko, over the last few years I have told others that they are worthy of their own love and efforts in the context of fighting alcohol dependency, I need to put that into practice more in relation to my own depression. I also need to appreciate the unconditional love that surrounds me at home.

Questions Kazzl, as the song says;"there are more questions than answers" and together the seem overwhelming but it seems to me that answering small ones one by one will be a part of my way forward. In some ways the wider questions don't matter in the moment of crisis, I need to get through today but to remember, when I have, to keep on working on myself and answering the small questions to reduce my exposure to whatever brought me down.

In practical terms, I have cleared my work diary for the next three weeks, I will have to fulfill a few regular commitments but I have made space to rest and to think. I have begun the conversation here and made a commitment to start the conversation with my doctor.

My task for today: find the floor of my study, it's in there somewhere, and tidy my desk. I need space and order to work, even on myself.

[White_Rose]

Hello Bayleaf

Welcome here. Congratulations on overcoming the alcohol. And I love your positive attitude. It's sad that we have this all or nothing attitude at times. But hey, you have recognised this is what you do so the next step is managing it.

For me, when I get to those 'down' places I need to stop what I am doing and review what's happening. You were extremely busy before Christmas and maybe became over tired. A simple explanation but often the most usual one. Because of your background you are a little more vulnerable to setbacks when you get tired. I am working on a similar difficulty. When something unexpected happens I get overwhelmed and the thoughts go in the same direction as yours. Stupid, useless, falling apart, etc.

So now I am looking at the triggers that prompt this and working on how to manage them. Meditation has been part of my life for a number of years and helps me stay grounded. I think it's useful to remember that problems of any sort will always happen as a part of life. We need to learn how to manage problems in general without  over reacting. I gather this is what you are planning to do with your GP.

Just like you I concentrate on small, daily tasks and activities. The floor is not a problem but finding my desk is a different matter. I am in the process of filing 'stuff' both to get it off my desk and to find these papers in future. When I have had enough I stop and do something more enjoyable, even if not as constructive. Again the trick is not to force yourself to complete something until you are feeling stronger. By which time there will be no need of force.

Creating the environment to improve is right. I am looking at a couple of lifestyle issues. I have always thought I eat quite healthily, well most of the time, but I am looking at how I can improve this to give myself more physical resilience, and through this more emotional resilience. Also exercise. Not my favourite activity so I go to an exercise class because I can work and interact with others. Not a hope I would do this on my own.

Once you have worked out how to meet your needs in a way you feel comfortable about, life gets so much easier.

I hope you continue to post here.

Mary

[Bayleaf]

Thanks for your wonderful reply Mary. The floor is clear now, most of the clutter was just the result of tidying the spare room, which had been a depot during our recent house move and "the stuff" has found it's place. I find just moving things from one place to another absorbing and calming. The desk top is another matter!

I am struggling for words, even thoughts, right now so will write no more here but please know that I am taking comfort and guidance from your words, I will re-read them as I take small steps through the new day.