trapped behind a screen of fear

Gertie_Rose · ‎02-01-2016

Hi,

I have PTSD. I'm getting better but I notice a severe lack of motivation.

I've had about a week and a half off work and I just never want to do anything. I'm not engaged with life. There's a whole beautiful world for me to enjoy but I just resolutely, stubbornly, WON'T. I just waste day after day lying around, sitting and reading, whatever.

Whenever I get an idea to do something I have a crushing resolution that there is no point.

And yet I'm bored and hate myself for never doing anything, being so unimaginative, being so boring, not making the most of life.

How have you overcome that lack of vitality, fear of doing anything, conviction that there is no point in doing anything, resistance to fully living?

What is it truly about, do you think? Where does it come from? What's the underlying belief?

I've spent, like, a decade sitting around preferring to think and analyze, than to do.

Scotchfinger · ‎02-01-2016

Inertia breeds inertia and I'm living proof!

MisterM · ‎02-01-2016

Yep, I am the same. I don't have PTSD though.
I waste most of my days sitting behind my PC or phone.
I have zero motivation and wish I could find it.

MisterM · ‎02-01-2016

Yep, I am the same. I don't have PTSD though.
I waste most of my days sitting behind my PC or phone.
I have zero motivation and wish I could find it.

budd · ‎03-01-2016

Wow I just read about me I feel excacly the same down to a T

hope4joy · ‎03-01-2016

Hi Gertie Rose,

I agree that it is so difficult to go out and do things when one is feeling low and I find that I force myself to do things simply because I know that the more I go out the easier it becomes, even though a lot of then time I get very little enjoyment from it. I survived a street BBQ last night, had a few moments of enjoyment in the few hours, but feel great that I went and made it through.

I can also think think think! I have a few things that help me to get out, one is believing that 'action brings change' and the other is my experience that motivation often comes to me after the action, and often after several repeated actions. I try to remember the benefit I get in going out eg to yoga or to see a friend, and especially how i feel worse when i stay isolated at home. i find motivation very fickle indeed, and often seem to bluff my way through doing things without any motivation whatsoever.

I don't know, in your thinking have you come to a conclusion about what the biggest obstacle is to getting out?

Kind wishes,

Christina / Hope

Nellie7 · ‎05-01-2016

Dear Christina / Hope,

I feel like Gertie Rose and the others. I have also come to conclusion that I have to force myself however the issue is I don't seem able to.

I understand I will feel better for a short time. Maybe this is part of my problem, that I know it's a short term fix not a solution. As the event...is over I fall back into the same pattern. I think I'm boring, everything is effort and the fear of this being seen is difficult.

Thanks for your suggestions and the topic being started Gertie Rose.

Nellie

hope4joy · ‎06-01-2016

Hi Nellie,

nice to hear from you on this thread. I was thinking about this over the last few days and I hear what you're saying - short term change is possible by determination alone at times, but longer term change to those recurring issues is so much harder to combat. I'm good at the practical things in life, like exercising, eating well, getting things done, but often struggle in friendships and relationships and maintaining them. I've been reflecting on my depression a bit lately and I think I've tried to do it alone for so long (i.e. without medications) and I think the bar has often been too high to do things and make the changes I'd like. I'm going to try meds to see if it can get me to a better baseline where doing frightening/ new / difficult things can become more possible and more in my reach. I know I can challenge myself but it needs to be in a okay sort of range - if i'm feeling really low and the challenge is too great then i just cant get there.

I think you also raise questions of hope maybe Nellie? Lately I've been feeling hopeless that my situation can change and therefore doing things like meeting new people and catching up with friends has felt extremely hard. And then when I have hope (that's why i like my forum name, to try to grow more hope) then i can take on challenges a bit easier. It is hard though when you've had so many years of being up and down and great efforts in the past have not been long-lived.

I feel a bit rambly, I hope this makes sense!

Nellie and Gertie Rose what do you think? Do you know what stops you from getting out and doing things? Or what would help to be able to get out?

Kind Wishes,

a hopeful Christina

Nellie7 · ‎06-01-2016

Dear Christina,

It's great that you can get the practical things in life done. I'm similar however I get done the things that are expected of me with friends or work related. If someone else requires it I can push though however if it's for me alone (I'm single - so at home no one can see) I don't. I think this about the positive praise or attention I get makes me feel better and it's about ensuring others don't know how I feel. I put up a great façade.

This façade however is now getting cracks - I've been speaking to friends about aspects and they say it will pass... I'm afraid to tell them the whole truth. I've made an appointment with my GP but I have to wait to get in. I have written up what's going on for me and how I feel for my GP- some nights it's very dark. I think speaking with my GP is a honest start and I have a sense that it will provide an avenue of help. One night, feeling lost I looked up Beyond Blue and found this forum and it feels good to let some of my thoughts out. Reading other posts and getting responses makes me feel less isolated.

I have lost hope - I feel lost, no goals, many friends are now married with children and I don't fit in as much... I started walking again after reading a post - short walks around the streets to feel better and I do. It's just taking that first step to do it that's so hard. I use to do yoga and loved it however I stopped after some weight gain. I have lost much flexibility and are fearful of going back - scared of the judgement even though I know it would be good for me.

It's hard to say but I fear many things but I don't know why. I know I'm much better going out if it's to a timetable set by someone else rather than myself. I'll keep thinking on this however I feel I need to do - if I don't do something other than think about it nothing will change. Both sides of this is very scary for me.

Thanks for your response Christina, I really appreciate it.

Nellie

Elizabeth CP · ‎06-01-2016

Hi Gertie Rose,

I am also lacking motivation. I started exposure therapy for PTSD and this has stirred things up badly and impacted on fatigue, sleep patterns and motivation. When I complained to my therapist that I felt guilty about being so lazy due to lack of motivation he suggested that it is my body saying I am exhausted and need to rest. I either push myself to get things done or do nothing and feel bad about it. Sometimes pushing myself helps because I feel like I've done something. or achieved something. I struggle knowing when to push myself and when to just rest and allow the body & mind time to heal. My therapist suggested making the 'best guess as to which is right-force myself to do something or rest> I try to quieten the negative self talk by reminding myself I am doing the best I can and I am only human so if I am doing the wrong thing it is OK. I am still working on this.

You mentioned that you were improving so I assume you are having treatment for the PTSD. This treatment is exhausting so you may need the break from work to recover but you would probably benefit from doing some simple things you normally enjoy to help move out of the rut.

Good luck I wish there was a magic wand to fix these problems It is no fun.