I feel like my depression and anxiety is ruining my relationship:(

[Letsgethappy]

Hi everyone,

this is is my first post and it has taken me so long to work up the courage to make it. A bit of my background; about 3 months ago I had a complete meltdown halfway through a semester at uni. I couldn't function anymore, i didn't eat for about 4 days and I was scared of everything. I couldn't switch off after handing in assessments, I quit uni and my part time job and moved back to my hometown, after 2 years of living away from my boyfriend of 5 years, and family because of uni. I saw a GP who said I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety and referred me to a psychologist who I began seeing straight away.

my psychologist has called it an adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety symptoms, and said it usually lasts about 6 months after the stressor is eliminated. I think my stressor was a combination of living away and the stress of trying to manage uni and a job and living in a place where I don't know anyone. My GP suggested taking antidepressants but I'm so scared, so I haven't got any yet. 

I'm writing this post because I really thought I was improving from regularly seeing my psychologist and being closer to my boyfriend and family. But all of a sudden I feel as if I have taken 10 steps backwards and I'm almost back to where I was 3 months ago. My boyfriend has been my absolute rock through all of this but over the past 3 months I'm constantly questioning our relationship and my feelings towards him. I don't want my feelings to change at all because I just love him so much but I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship anymore. I don't have any reason to think that we shouldn't be together and I just want to know if anyone else feels this way with depression? I'm constantly pushing him away, but I don't want to be alone. He told me it's starting to get hard for him, and that he feels he has to walk on eggshells around me because he doesn't know what mood I will be in when he gets home from work. That completely tore me apart. but he's so positive and knows that we will get through this. When I start crying he cuddles me and says it will get better. I can't wait for that day.

Sorry for the long post and it probably doesn't make much sense, I just blurted everything out at once. i just can't handle my emotions being on such a roller coaster. I really don't know what to do 😞

[blondguy]

Hi Happy and Nice1 on having the strength to post 🙂 You do have a lot of courage to do so. You are spot on to mention that you have many stressful events to deal with at the same time.....You have a clear understanding of the catalysts that can 'bring on' either the depression or anxiety.

You have also been smart enough to see a psychologist....you are doing everything so well but obviously the symptoms are 'fresh' and bad news and i empathize and understand exactly how bad these feelings are.

Your boyfriend is rock and well done for saying so! You are not necessarily pushing him away, you are only trying to heal....(which you have already taken huge steps with...your psychologist and your GP AND getting on here) 🙂

The only reason your boyfriend feels like he has to 'walk on eggshells' is because you are trying so very hard to cope right now. Similar to a physical injury your nervous system is trying to heal ....there is no difference. The crying is fine as it is a form a venting....Not crying is a lot worse...so well done again!

Having suffered from exactly the same symptoms one huge help that i find people can recover with is a support network of 5 people....family or friends doesnt matter. That is going 'by the book' I have 2 rock solid supporters that assist me regularly and it makes the world of difference.

If I may ask.....do you have a current network of 'supporters'? The depression and anxiety eventually lose their impact after a while. In the meantime re anti-depressants...if your psychologist thinks its a good idea .....maybe...but please do try to get a couple more opinions regarding meds....(with respect to your GP of course)

Please take care happy and above all 'Be Gentle to Yourself'

Paul....Woof!

[White_Rose]

Hello LGH

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It does take a lot of courage to write here so well done. Paul has written a fantastic reply to you and I agree with everything he has written.

I will add a couple of observations of my own. Questioning your relationships is a common symptom of depression. Often people feel they are not worthy of the love and care they receive from their partner/BF, or anyone else for that matter. So there is this constant tug-of-war between wanting to be with the BF and the suspicion of not being good enough.

It can also happen with friends. Wondering if they are just sorry for you and similar thoughts. And the biggest cruncher is not wanting to impose on someone. It's the feeling we should be able to manage ourselves and it's a bit a of a shock to find we can't. And of course this is the whole point of depression. The Black Dog takes us to places we have never been and makes us question ourselves unnecessarily.

This where you need to remind yourself, as you have done, that your BF is fabulous and really loves you. And that you love him. You are essentially a good person and have not become unworthy of love and care. Your family care about you and everyone wants you to get well again.

The other unfortunate aspect of depression is the roller coaster ride. Just when you think it's safe to get back into the water... Accept that depression can suddenly do a U turn for no apparent reason and it appears you have to start all over again. No so. We often slip a bit but take a deep breath and move forward again. It does get easier, especially when you realise it's happened before and you learn how to get going again. I was hoping to make that a positive statement but I'm not sure I succeeded. Hope you get the intent.

Please continue to write in. We are interested in  how you go and want to continue chatting with you.

Mary

[seeknghappiness]

hi lgh, 

I am literally in the same boat as you and how you are feeling rn. I was kind of laying in bed in the darkness crying and wanted to talk to people in similar situations and me and just wanted to say that you are not alone. my boyfriend of five years kind of feels the same way as yours and for that reason I don't want to tell him I'm suffering so badly. I don't want to put him through more hard ships but I know he doesn't deserve the hot and cold treatment I give him. I want him one minute I push him away I don't know I can't explain my actions but I hope you pull through and find what you are looking for! I know how hard it is and it really sucks.

[Letsgethappy]

Hi Paul, Mary and seekinghappiness

thank you for your replies, they were really nice to read.

Paul: thank you for your kind words. I 100% agree with you that I'm trying so hard to cope that its just making me frustrated and I end up taking it out on him and pushing him away, and thats when he feels like he has to walk on eggshells. Since moving home Ive had a great support network, I'm close to friends and family who all want to help which is lovely. Re meds - Im going to give it another 6-8 weeks and then reconsider. I'd really like to get through this with my own strength and coping skills from my psychologist. I won't completely discount them if I feel like I do need them, but I really want to try and get through without!

Mary: I'm so glad to know that questioning relationships is a common symptom!! My constant questioning is one thing I really want to try and stop. It just feels so hard at the moment. Once my mind gets started, it doesnt stop. I guess it doesnt help being on uni holidays at the moment either, and not really having much to fill my days in with. The rollercoaster ride is the hardest to deal with. some days I feel like maybe its completely gone and I'm ready to move on with my life and other days, like the past couple of days, I feel like I've done a complete backflip. i guess thats just part of it.

seekinghappiness: I do agree with Paul and Mary that depression makes us question our relationships. it really sucks but i think its a fear of us hurting the one who means the most to us, when we really don't mean to. I've told my boyfriend so many times that I don't want to put him through this anymore and that I feel like I'm holding him back from being truly happy. But he tells me he's not taking anything personally and that he knows this is something I need to get through at the moment and he is going to be right next to me while I do it. He told me that if he couldn't deal with this with me, and didn't think our relationship was worth it, he wouldn't be here still, and thats something I keep reminding myself of. I can't thank him enough for that, and I'm sure your boyfriend would feel the same. I've felt that being 100% honest with him about my feelings is better than keeping everything bottled up, because there is way too much going on inside my mind. My biggest problem is all of the 'What if's?' and thats something I really want to work on. I guess thats just the anxiety.
I really hope you and your boyfriend get through this

[White_Rose]

Hello SH and LGH

A quick post. Have either of you looked at all the information available on this site? Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the headings under The Facts. Lots of info here which you can download or send for from BB. Importantly there is info for family friends about depression and what they can do to help you. I suggest you order some of this material or download it and give it your respective BF for their information. Coming from a respected organisation like BB shows you are not making up your illness or anything. (And I'm certain your BF do not think this). The info may help the BF understand what depression is all about.

About taking ADs, it's not the end of the world to take them or not take them. I have tried so many and had bad side effects so now I am managing without them, or at least trying to do so. But many people find them helpful and have no side effects. ADs will never cure depression, that's not what they do. They make it easier for you to manage and learn how to cope on your own.

Mary

[Letsgethappy]

Hi Mary

I read a lot of the information under The Facts before I felt comfortable enough to begin posting on here, it was very helpful. I'm glad you're able to manage without the ADs. My GP asks me every time I see her if I would consider going on them at least for a short period of time. In reality I know I would probably benefit from going on them, but I'm just so scared. And I don't even know what I'm scared of, thats the hard part. I guess it's still quite fresh and I'm just trying to get my head around it all. I'm hoping I can learn to cope, but I know they are there if I feel I need them.

[White_Rose]

Hello LGH

Thanks for your reply. I am not totally managing without ADs, just trying hard. And my GP would also like me to return to them. And I know they would help to reduce the hopelessness I feel at times. It's just that my brain seems to function more clearly without them. So it becomes a choice of feeling a bit numb and managing my life with less pain, or feeling the discomfort but being more clear sighted. It's an individual choice and neither is better than the other.

When you are making a decision please remember it's not like taking a headache pill, no instant relief. It usually up to six weeks for the full effect to kick in, although there is some improvement within a couple of weeks. I suspect that until you have worked out what scares you about ADs you will not take them. Do you feel you will lose control of your life? I know some people believe that will happen. Or you will become addicted? Something else? This is something you really need to talk to your GP about, even if it's just to resolve your mixed thoughts.

Mary