To tired to fight

[Loula]

I started suffering from depression as a teenager and I still do 10 years later. I've been on meds, I've seen doctors and everything your meant to do and I do good for about a year and then hello it's back again. I'm tiered of it and trying to treat it. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Why should I keep fighting something I'm programmed to be? 
This year has been the worst. I've been married for3 years to my high school sweet heart. we decided to go on a holiday and on the second last night I got very ill and ended up in the hospital to find out I was miscarrying a baby I never knew I had growing in me It was the worst pain ever to instantly fall in love with something that has left me and come to terms with it
After the loss I went to friends for help but of course people fail you and I have found myself with out my best friend of 15 years. I found my self to get more quiet and pull away from my husband. I'm just detaching myself from the world. But I think I've detached my selfs to far. I'm board and lonely
I have no friends. My husband and myself are people of faith and high up in our church and every single day I feel pressure to be perfect. I can't keep being perfect anymore. I've been the good perfect virgin church going girl since I was 14 and all I want to do is go to the clubs get so drunk, expreament with drugs see what it's like to be with another man & live a life
I feel so horrible saying that though because my husband is AMAZING! He loves me so much and worships, encourages, loves me every day for who I am flaws and all. But I'm board, I'm sad and lonley. 
I feel I got three options, sit it out hope this goes away, or fake it and keep everyone around me happy. I could end my relationship, watch my self hurt the love of my life and be a failure to my family and love with guilt. I will have fun for a whole but I know I will end up sad. Or just end my life and hope people will slowly forget about me and I don't have to watch people get hurt  or feel hurt and sad any more. 
I sit in bed every night just thinking how easy would it be to end it all. I convince myself I should do it. I literally have to hold the bed so I want get out of it and end my life because I know there are other ways out but I'm tiered of the other ways I'm so tiered I really just want to be free and I don't know how to be free anymore. I feel so dead inside. I don't feel like the real me is alive and I hate that I really hate that
I just want to be normal 


beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi Loula,

I can hear the immense frustration that you must have felt when you wrote your post, and no doubt this has been frustrating for some time now. I hope that you were able to get some advice from the Beyondblue moderators, and I'm also thankful that you made the step to come here and reach out for support.

Your thread reads like it could have been torn from any of a number of pages in my diaries. I know what despair looks and feels like, so I empathise with how you are feeling.

As you commented you definitely have options, and that's just one of the many wonderful things life has to offer. I guess on the other hand death robs you of the chance to make any choices. I do hope for your sake that you will hang in there.

I think the one thing that Drs never really harp on about is the fact that mental illness is such that it can come and go as often and as intensely as it pleases. In addition to the fact that we are all susceptible to depression, you have suffered a number of terrible losses, which will require some grieving time.

Were you offered any professional support after your miscarriage? Are you able to speak with your husband about it's impact on you? You also lost a really close friend of yours, do you think there is any chance of that relationship rebuilding in the future?

I think the old adage goes "If it's not working, change it." There certainly are different forms of antidepressants and mood stabilisers that you can try. In addition if you are not getting anywhere with your current Psychiatrist/Psychologist then perhaps it's time to seek the advice of someone different. It might also be worthwhile considering an admission to hospital, at least to get you through this really difficult period, and to set some strategies in place.

I started a thread called SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION in the depression section of the forums. Have you had a look at some of the ideas mentioned there? Have you tried any or all of these? There is also a thread in the treatments section on MANAGING URGES, you might also find some of the suggestions there useful. Particularly with managing suicidal ideations, along with your urges to go against your values drink, take drugs, and be unfaithful. It would be a shame to throw away that which is important to you.

I hope that we will hear back from you. We are happy to offer you as much support as we can.

AGrace

[Loula]

With my loss, I had a lot of support from family, church and my doctor. I also read a lot of helpful books and had a great on line support community. 

Friendship is 100% over. The things she said to me when I had my loss where so hurtful and mean. I asked her for once to stop taking in the relationship and to give and she told me never to speak to her again. I guess some people don't like leaving their comfort zone. 

I've had this depression so long I know what the doctors are going to say. I've heard it all before and I just leave feeling like a bigger nut case. I can't really be bothered talking to some one and self reflecting on my self why I feel like this and how to change it. 

I'm not on any meds either. I went off them 2 years ago and was great for a year and a half. I just don't want to have to take a pill that I know is so common and tons of people use it but everytime I take it I feel like a failure. 

I've just come into this point in my life when I think

what's the point of fighting. This is who I am. I'm an unhappy person. Why should I take something to alter how I'm meant to be? Why should I pay someone to tell me stuff I don't really believe? I just want to be me not something that is fake. Does that make any sense? 

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Darkness_amp_Beyound]

Hi Loula, I have had depression for many years now, and fought the medication that was always advised "for then best". Until last year, when everything broke and i just could not do it any more. 

I can understand what you are saying about being tired, and giving up on fighting. I said that at my last appointment with my psychologist.. I am tired. I have been knocked down so many times, and kept getting up, but i cannot do it one more time. 

The medication will not make you into somebody else, or feel fake. They will eventually help calm things down so you can pick yourself up one more time. 

Because we all fall.. and we have all been knocked down. But sometimes we need a different kind of hand that will help us back onto our feet. 

If you are really that against medications, then maybe consider some more "natural" therapies.. There are lots of organizations out there that would love to have another volunteer for example. And by giving some of your time, you get to meet others that are giving some of theirs.. and so at times friendships begins. 

I know it is not the magic cure, and i would never undermine the word of a doctor, but i promise you there is some light in volunteer work. 

For me, I volunteer with an animal rescue place. I am pretty darn sure they have somewhat rescued me though. They are gorgeous and loving, and do not care that i am fat, or ugly, or that i have a horrible voice. They just enjoy the company. The walk, or the cuddles.  

I wish you all the best. 

[Loula]

I'm not against medication. I know how it works. I've been on it before and have seen a massive improvement. It's just I want to be happy with out it. I don't want to take something to make me happy. I want to be happy because I'm happy. I do so much volunteer work, i work with teens and also take the best motivational speakers into high schools that funnily enough talk about depression and to never make a long lasting decision on an emotion because emotions change but decisions don't. I should probably apply that to my life. But yer I think I've actually burnt my self out. But I'll probably keep doing it. I'm a selfless person and rather see someone else happy them myself. 

[Mares73]

Dear Loula I can only imagine the pressures on you to be perfect with your Church responsibilities. You say you are just an unhappy person & would rather see others happy than yourself. You also say you don't want to have to take medication to be happy. Can I suggest you are experiencing the symptoms of an illness-depression is an illness that takes away our self esteem & causes us to feel unworthy, unhappy & alone. And medication doesn't make you happy. Just as diabetics take medication for the illness, people with depression take antidepressants to treat the symptoms of their illness. Medication is only part of the treatment required to feel better, but it does help us to feel less overwhelmed by dark feelings. It corrects chemical imbalance. Then there other things like counseling or doing some things you enjoy that also contribute to feeling better. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else but right now you can't see that because depression symptoms such as self doubt, low confidence, loneliness & isolation are overwhelming you. There is a list of Gps on this site that specialize in treating depression. How would you feel going to see one-you could find one near you & go in privacy. This would be a great step. Perhaps also you are feeling overwhelmed by having to have a certain persona in the Church & maybe you are craving the need to explore other interests or aspects of life. That's totally understandable & something worth exploring. Have a think about the suggestions from me & others & I hope you can get back to us about how your feeling now & what things you feel would be of help. We all care & are here for you when your ready. Lve Mares xxx