reality hit

ssydb · ‎13-10-2014

Well I feel like I've finally achieved my unconscious goal. Waking up to reality and realizing that over the years I successfully worn down all my friendships, alienated my family and actually have no one to turn to and talk, rely on (although I know I should really only rely on myself) and just be around. I've been trying to hold it together for so long and im so upset, I couldn't even hold it at work today. The tears just kept running down my face at my desk, I had to go home. I really hate myself right now for letting it get to this, but I just don't know what to do anymore

Mares73 · ‎13-10-2014

Dear Ssyd thank you for reaching out & sharing how your feeling. I understand your going through a very challenging time & feeling overwhelmed. You don't say whether you have seen anyone about how you are feeling. But it seems you are experiencing the symptoms of depression which includes self blame -you feel you've alienated everyone, that you no longer have friends & you say you hate yourself for letting it get to this stage. Perhaps you are struggling with accepting you have depression because you certainly wouldn't choose to be in the situation your in. But depression isolates us, crushes our self esteem & we are our own worst critics. On this site there is a list of Gps that specialize in treating depression . Could you find one near you & take the step to go & discuss how your feeling & possible support & treatment options. You are always able to let out all your feelings here, & whilst anonymous you'll be surprised at the level of care & support. Have you had depression before? Do you have any supportive family or friends to talk to? It would be good to know a bit more about your circumstances so we can offer our best support. I hope you can get back to us. Lve Mares xx

white knight · ‎13-10-2014

Hi ssydb, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

The first and most important thing I can tell you right now is- you are not alone. I feel the exact same thing, perhaps a little less than yourself.

I'm 58yo, cannot be a active member of a car club anymore as over the last 30 years all 4 clubs I've been involved in have alienated me and I blamed myself. The last two clubs in the last 5 years both had bullying issues aimed at me....you know the drill, personal messages on social media "go back to your shrink and get more medication you nutter"...etc. sad reality check.

Family, well the good thing is that what family I ahve left, they adore me and we are very close but of the rest they blame me. And my master manipulator mother brainwashed the rest. Never mind. Took time but I moved on.

So what about you now ssydb? waht do you do? You do not mention medication, doctors, psychiatrist visits etc. are you addressing any possible mental illness? That's the very first step. Many of us never entertained the thought of this because we never saw it.

But I must also prepare you. It is relatively easy to lose friends and relatives when you have an illness the likes of what we cover here. I wont list the things we do, say or insinuate that can turn people off. And those we do turn off dont turn back on, the bridge gets burned and its often burned forever. And in desperation we even say "I'm not well at the moment" pointing to our mental struggles....guess what- that never works, as honest and accurate as it is. This leaves you in a no win situation.

So how can you capitalise on this? Well, you do. You have to put it all behind you, make a few new friends, figure out the ones that will be loyal, understanding and supportive. Ones that will invite and appreciate your supportive qualities also. Essentially, you must seek out and even enjoy your journey to find like minded people to share your life.

Finally, remember, when it comes to family....time is a good healer. Dont expect a reunion but dont discount it either. If you have a good side and they know it, they will miss it. Be proud, dont be too hard on yourself. take care.

HA1 · ‎13-10-2014

Hi ssydb

You are right, you "feel" like you have worn out friendships, alienated people, and that you have no one to turn to.

You don't say whether you have been diagnosed and being treated for mental illness. However, from your post it does sound like you may suffer depression. If you feel that you are ready, please tell us more about yourself.

I said up front that you may 'feel' like you have done all those things to yourself, but the reality is that mental illness and depression can play havoc with our thoughts and perceptions of ourself. The truth is probably quite the opposite.

that you have broken down at work is not something that you should dwell on too much. It happens a lot - during my career I witnessed it many times and no one thinks the worse of because you have a sad moment at work. It happens to many, and not only to those with mental illness.

Could you please get back to us here on the BB forum, and let us know that you are OK. Tell us your story, vent some more, ask questions, there is always someone here to listen to you and talk with.

take care

K

ssydb · ‎14-10-2014

Wow ..guys thanks for the support. Its really nice just to have things accepted and not be judged. I'm not sure I've experienced that before.

I've battled depression on and off for the last 15yrs, always evolving and varying in effect. I'd been on antidepressants for the last couple of years, and finally managed to leave a very destructive relationship last year. After a lot of downtime and focusing on self healing, I met a wonderful, gentle, intelligent man earlier this year ..and with the development of peace, happiness and stability. I decided to go off my meds. It took me less than 3mths to destroy everything ..I sabotaged my relationship, went back to my ex, exposed my daughter to unnecessary confusion, stopped talking to my family (very reciprocal) and tore down the very fragile friendships I'd started to build.

I left my ex nearly 4wks ago now, and I've been struggling with the reality of what I've done for the last couple of weeks, and its gradually been getting out of control. The same scary, self destructive thought processes. I really am so utterly upset, annoyed, disgusted, regretful of the decisions I made. And I guess there's only so long you can keep it hidden for.

So yesterday was my breaking point, I went back to the docs, got a fresh script and I'm starting again. And I'm trying to reassure myself that that's not necessarily a bad thing, that it doesn't mean I've failed and trying not to think of all the stigma. I need to learn to forgive myself, but right now that feels so far off.

Thank you for your amazing words of encouragement and support, they really meant alot.

white knight · ‎14-10-2014

Hi again ssydb,

It reads like your meds are crucial to your well being. You cant change the past but you can ensure your future is more stable for you and your daughter.

Meds are a strange thing to accept. We the sufferer cannot see clearly the positive effects they have on us. I actually have in the past relied totally on my wife to tell me how I'm travelling.

Yes, going off the meds was a bad idea. But you are doing all the right things now. We all have skeletons in the closet.

most mental illness need lifelong commitment to meds. That's how it is. No big deal I reckon, once the right ones and the right dosage is taken.

geoff · ‎16-10-2014

dear ssydb, there can be a common choice here because when people are feeling so much better they decide to stop taking their meds, on principle it seems to be sensible, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way, and even though we have met someone new who has given us a boost, it still isn't enough to keep us going, it's not their fault nor is it your fault, depression is too strong an illness that will overpower how you feel.

I have beaten the black dog but I still need my antidepressants, because if I miss a day or so, due to the fact that I have run out of them, I fall back into the hole.

I will be on these AD's probably for life, so I have only two options, 1 if I stop them down the hole again and probably for forever or until they find a permanent cure, or 2 take them so that I can get on with my life, it doesn't mean that it's going to be rosy, but it will be much better than the other option.

I wonder whether you are taking the same AD's as you were before. L Geoff. x