Tired of this place

Unbeliever · ‎13-09-2014

I have tried to be a good person all my life. I have made decisions to avoid contributing to many of the things that I have always known are terrible burdens on this world. I have never doubted the choices I have made were the right thing to do, despite the effect it has had on my personal life. If I could go back and do it all again, I honestly can't imagine what exactly I would choose to do differently. But my choices has had strong influence on my personal relationships, my employment, my day to day life. I have always been seen as strange and stubborn by others, from strangers to the people who love me despite.....what I am.

I have struggled to find my place in life, in this world, in this society....and to date I have failed to belong to anything, at any time, in any place. People have told me that I have failed to learn how to "play the game", I cannot deny this. As I believe that good people "playing the game" is one of the strongest factors about why so many things have become so terrible for so many people in our world. I have never wanted to play, for me it has never been a game.

It hurts me to be a part of this place. The pain is....tangible. Even in moments that I enjoy, even in those times I can successfully distract myself the most, even if only briefly....that pain is always there. Haunting me.

As I have gotten older it has become more difficult to hide....more difficult to pretend that I am ok. There are disappointments, moments that happen to everyone, just a normal part of everyday life, that when they happen to me now they can tear me apart. It is not any individual thing by itself. Even the worst things that have ever happened to me by themselves would be easy to deal with. But combined with everything else into the monstrosity of pain it has become. The smallest thing becomes overwhelming instantly.

I have hurt since I was a child, and it has progressively become worse over time. I am 37 years old....and I am tired. It is not about wanting to die, or not wanting to live....I just desire the pain to stop. Simple, it's not complicated.

I have done the anti-depressant thing. I have been to the counsellors and the psychiatrists more times that I can count. Done group therapy. Changed my diet, done exercise, joined sports groups.

It's

killing my mother...who couldn't possibly deserve to watch this happening to me any less. It's not fair to her at all.I am so tired. I' ve had enough, I've seen enough....I don't want to see any more.

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Jacko777 · ‎13-09-2014

Hi Unbeliever,

You are not alone, I think you will find many on this site who share your experiences and they will have advice, support and love. When you feel better perhaps you too could use your experience to help others on this site, you could belong to something here.

If you have been told you have 'failed to play the game' then you are a friend of mine. I can't do games either. And I would worry if I was 'fitting in' to the largely greed driven globalised society. But, alternatives do exist and we need to get involved, be a supporter, be a leader.

So what are you passionate about U? What gets you going, what can you sink your teeth into? At this time you could try doing more of the things you enjoy, keep diverting your mind to the positive things in your life.

Do you think it might be a good time to see a therapist and develop a fresh plan? The world needs more people that don't play the game.

white knight · ‎13-09-2014

Hi unbeliever. Welcome and thankyou for your honest and courageous post.

Courageous? I can hear you now...Why? Because the very essence of your post was your strength while in a mental straight jacket. Your seemed trapped and hurting. Yet, you are only 37yo. You have been through the medication the doctors etc,,the drill.

There are many threads on here that are relevant to your position. please read.

With your situation of desperation or mere pain I'd consider seriously some major change of any sort. work, holidays, travel. Anything to break the cycle where nothing is helping. Dont be afraid to be radical.

I know of a guy at the same point. He took my advice thankfully and took off on his cruiser motorcycle intending to ride around Oz. He got to Longreach Qld and met a girl in the caravan park. He rang me 12 months later to tell me they'd moved in with each other. He was a changed man.

I'd like you to at least consider there is a chance of hope. That you are the one with the reins and you can guide your horse towards hope. But it needs the same courage you have shown in a different way.

Finally, I have often posted on a guru that is on youtube. He doesnt peddle religion. Please google - Prem Rawat Maharaji sunset and perfect instrument. Have a listen please. There are many more there of this mans vsion, how to appreciate life because I think you have missed many things in life that you feel you are not interested in or think you have already done.

I first listened to Marahaji in 1987 and am still regularly listening to the same clips then on tape now on youtube.

I hope we hear from you again.

Gleno · ‎14-09-2014

Hello unbeliever's,

i here you and cannot believe it ...i feel like i was reading about myself as i have a lot of the same feelings about life and felt that i have struggled my while life too...so you not alone there brother...so we are not alone ....but 1 thing i know is that this site is full off people who are seeking some help and i think can really relate with each other and give each other suppport...i am hear if you want to talk .

reguards,

Gleno.

Unbeliever · ‎22-10-2014

I don't believe that my post is courageous...more just a gasping last breath of my persistent stubbornness and bleeding my mind out into the internet ether.

I know that it is commonly accepted that knowing that there are people either

suffering equally as much as you or even worse is meant to provide some kind of feeling of comfort...but honestly, it just kind of makes me feel worse knowing that there are people carrying as much pain as me And even more. That thought is tragic to me beyond words. I would much prefer to be the only one and that everyone else was obliviously happy. That is far more preferable.

I am glad that someone travelled around Australia on a motorcycle and managed to find the partner of their dreams after existing in a

dark place. Good for them. He escaped and found someone who was willing to walk hand in hand with the best a worst parts of him. Unfortunately I have never gotten a drivers licence in a stubborn refusal to contribute to a primitive and horrifically stupid petrol industry and wait for the next wave of car technology to take over. So it sounds great, but it's not something that I can do. I've only been waiting 21 years to be able to drive a car...I'm sure it is going to happen any minute now.

I did travel alone and live in South America for 2 years in an attempt to change my life perspective. I did not meet the partner of my dreams in that time and I returned to a life that was more meaninglessly pathetic than the one I attempted to leave behind. Just managed to make myself more unrelatable... which I guess is an achievement in itself.

They say that insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. So, therefore I guess that being depressed in a depressing world is also a rational adjustment.

It is beyond embarrassing to be a member if the human race...I am so ashamed to be a part of it even to the pathetic degree I am reduced to.

I

don' t want to live in a perfect world. I don't want to end corruption and greed in modern society. I'm just so tired of people behaving so stupidly on such a mass scale...I just want people to try to THINK - even if they fail. Just some effort to try would make me feel less ashamed...give me a little hope.

I would love to feel that our species deserves to survive. But I have so little hope left now.

I'm dying of shame. That's what is going to

kill me.

Jacko777 · ‎22-10-2014

You are not responsible for the entire human race U. I agree that society is out of balance and it has taken hundreds of years to get to this point. But if we give up, what would that achieve? There is no way I am joining the 'dark side' and giving up, there are too many beautiful people out there to ignore.

As you know, a lot of people on Earth are brainwashed, mostly around money. But not all of them mate. Find the ones that aren't. You could immerse yourself with the positive actions that are going on in the world, it seems you are heavily focused on the negative and obviously this is doing you no good. Take a break from all that is negative and I bet you feel better.

Yin and Yang; the negative forces at play can cause positive forces to counteract, be the positive force, don't put up with it, go and do something positive! And find some pride in those that ARE doing good, there is a lot of good going on to combat the bad, if you search it out. If you are embarrassed, why not set an example for others to follow? Never lose hope, you are a critical thinker and the world needs you.