Of course you can't tell me the answer to my purpose, per se, but how am I supposed to figure it out for myself? I've soul searched and cannot come up with a point. What's the point to my life?
I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die until I'm an old lady, yet I have still found myself writing out who I want my belongings to go to when I pass, and hurting myself, as if it will be next week! I am confused at why I keep feeling so down. It hits like a Mac truck.
I feel stuck in a job that I have lost passion for, but that everyone tells me I'd be stupid to leave as I'm about to clock up long service leave, and they have an amazing mat.leave policy for when my husband and I decide to start a family (in the next few years) which makes me feel stuck. It's not the job I want to do, but the job opportunities are next to none for a woman my age in my town.
I'm studying a general uni course (Bach Arts) part-time (reg. job 4 days a week) because I don' t know what else to do/what I'm passionate about, but I want a degree with the hopes it'll get me a better job. My grades are starting to slip. I've let myself go the past 6 or so months and the weight is creeping on. I've gone from an active, 3-4x a week at the gym, kinda girl who this time last year triumphantly ran her first 10 kms (after forever declaring I'm 'not a runner'), to coming home from work, sleeping and watching TV and basically not moving at all every single night.
My sleeping pattern is all over the shop. I won't go to bed until quite late then wake up early, but force myself to sleep as long as I can because I can't bear to face my closet thinking of what I can wear today that won't make me look pregnant (even though I'm not, but everyone is harassing us about it and my weight gain has people whispering), and wondering how I can structure my day so that I can speak to as little people as possible, because the effort of pretending I'm 'normal' is so hard.
I'm just confused. I have great friends, supportive family, wonderful beautiful loving husband, great job with perks (despite feeling 'over it'), and I'm an ungrateful, lazy, whingeing , who can't be happy with my lot- then I feel guilty and shameful that I'm feeling yuk about my life. I'm thankful for this safe place to unpack my mind from time to time, even if it is non-sensical and makes me appear to be a vain, silly person. These feelings have intensified since my mother-in-law passed 3 mths ago.
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