The trail persists but alas my mind has lacerated my legs.

[Reminiscent_sky]

Hello people of this forum. It’s been a while since I posted here. I’ve been severely distressed and searching down other avenues and such, trying to find a way out of this debilitating mental pain.

My unwavering fear of death has kept me from suicide, comedic in a dark way being too cowardly to take “the cowards way out”. But outside of the grim and hopeless the only option shown to me is getting some sort of counsellor.

But I’ll be frank. That is such a huge mental gulf that it just feels impossible without help, and even with assistance it feels too far out of reach.

nobody in my family has enough expendable funds for me to claim I need it. Even then, I’m sure you’d call me stupid for saying this but it’s so deeply rooted in my subconscious that I’m steadfast in this belief. I’m don’t feel like I’m worth all that time, that effort to repair. I’ve fallen apart before and each time after picking up my pieces I just fall apart again. Things don’t get better just… Back to the status quo. I’ll never learn or break away from my restrictions so why even pick up the sand like shards of my mind and heart?

the people who’ve taken up the task of performing litter cleanup on my soul with me have all left me. because I assume they too know it’s futile. So why should I be so bold as to claim their efforts were too shoddy and that’s why I’m not healed? I’m right where I deserve to be. I’ve made my bed and now I’ll lay in it till the frame rots.

so… I’m not sure what to do. I hate feeling like this. But I won’t pull myself out, it’s under my belief that this is my sentencing for my transgressions in life. I have nobody in my life that seems to care enough to disprove me anyway. I have no friends and my family has been spending more time judging me it seems. I don’t know.

Nobody checks on me anymore. It’s like I’m not even here sometimes. I know nobody outside these walls is thinking about me right now for example. I feel translucent. 

I’m doomed aren’t I? This is unsolvable, I’m just meant to suffer for now till the non-existent future.

I’m sorry reader if this has been a confusing journey. I can’t control the spiral, if you felt this was a waste of your time I hope your day gets better than what it could be.

[therising]

Hi Reminiscent_sky

While you write with such a soulful sense, my heart goes out to you so much. From my own experience, I don't believe people fully realise the extent of our needs unless they have felt what feels soul destroying. While they may relate to mental needs and physical needs, soulful needs are a whole other kettle of fish.

While I can relate to the idea or belief 'I am broken and in need of repair', I found the truth to be 'I do not know how I tick under these circumstances. My challenge is to figure it out, make greater sense of it'. This is not always something that can be achieved alone, so the next set of questions become 'Who would be the best guide for me, under these circumstances? Who would be the best person to lead me to see what I cannot currently see (in the way of what my struggles are about and the way forward)? Who holds the revelations that I desperately need? Do I need someone who serves the body in the way of biology, chemistry and such? Do I need someone who serves the mind, in the way of psychology? Do I need someone who serves the soul, someone who can help me make sense of who I naturally am and why I naturally struggle? Do I need someone who's a combination of 2 or more of those things, such as a psycho-spiritual counselor?' and the questions continue. Finding the right or best guide can be one of the hardest parts of any challenge. Choose the wrong guide and we end up being misguided, perhaps feeling worse than ever before and more lost than ever before.

While it can be so hard to develop a sense of wonder or curiosity within the darkness of depression, I have learned such things are an absolute must. There is no choice but to develop a wonderful or wonder filled part of ourself. There is no choice but to develop a seriously curious part of ourself. In this sense, 'I am broken' changes to 'I have to know who I am. I have to know why I suffer. I have to know what a sense of ease feels like, what a sense of a mind altering revelation feels like. I have to know what whatever works for me feels like, instead of feeling all the things that don't work for me or feeling all the things I can't relate to' etc. When it changes to 'I am desperate to know and I am passionate to know', there comes a sense of soulful excitement even if it is felt as a tiny spark to begin with. That spark is the spark of inspiration. If such a spark cannot be felt or if it is not fanned into something greater, the question then becomes 'Who around me is igniting and fueling my soul?'. Sometimes the surprising answer can be 'No one' and there lies a significant part of the problem.

[melodica]

Reading your post, what comes through strongly is the weight you’re carrying and the way you’ve turned that pain inward, almost as if it proves something about your worth. When someone has been hurt, disappointed, or left over and over again, it can start to feel like the only logical explanation is “it must be me.” That belief can become so deeply rooted that it feels like a fact rather than a story the mind has learned to repeat.

You wrote that you feel like this suffering is your sentence, something you deserve. Many people who live with prolonged distress reach the same conclusion. The mind starts trying to make sense of the pain by turning it into punishment or fate. But the mind is very good at creating explanations that feel convincing while still being incredibly harsh to the person experiencing them.

Another thing that stood out was when you described yourself as translucent, like nobody outside those walls is thinking about you. That sense of invisibility can be one of the most painful parts of isolation. When no one checks in, the mind fills the silence with its own explanations, and those explanations tend to be brutal.

Yet despite all of that, you still wrote here. That matters. It means some part of you is still looking for connection, even while another part of you insists it’s pointless. Those two parts can coexist. Many people live in that exact tension for a long time.

You also spoke about falling apart, picking up the pieces, and then falling apart again. That cycle can make recovery feel fake or temporary. But falling apart again does not erase the times you held yourself together. It means you’ve been fighting something difficult for a long time.

And the belief that you’re not worth the effort — that one can dig very deep. But the fact that you’re able to describe your experience with such honesty tells me there is still a part of you that wants to be seen and understood. That part of you isn’t futile.

Right now, people here are reading your words. You are not invisible in this moment. Even if the world outside your walls feels silent, your voice reached someone. If you have the energy, keep talking here. You don’t have to hold all of this alone. We are little here for you, and I hope you will post again soon.