Suicidal thoughts

[Hendo]

Hey, 

I've been battling anxiety for around 6 years which turned into having chronic depression with episodes lasting weeks to months at a time but to be honest it feels like I've been stuck in a depressing episode for years. 

It's got to the point where it's like finding a needles in a haystack for my good days, I honestly can't remember the last happy day I had. My therapist helps when I see him but as soon as I leave and the day progresses my depression comes back, the thing is I have nothing to be depressed about. 

My darkest days are clouded with thoughts of suicide, my therapist says that I am strong and that I need to find stuff that motivates me but I have not motivation and my negative mind calls myself a coward. I know that I will never do it but I can't see a future for myself like this. 

One days 

[Doors24]

Dear Hendo,

Depression and chronic depression at that, resonates with me too. Everything you are describing has crossed my mind too. And frequently.

I feel a lot that when I am in my mental health sessions, I can feel some relief or even find something positive about that session. But know I go back to the same life when I leave the clinic that day. A lot of the time I actually don’t want to leave and want the professional to come with me. I have some hope there and with them. But on my own, emotions reign.

I think with depression a lot of people can identify with not being able to see a future living life like this. It is like one’s sense of identity has gone missing and trying to find it and a purpose forward is too overwhelming. I often watch other people and ask myself why I can’t be like them and go from task to task throughout the day without pause or hesitation. And I often ask myself that if I did do that, would it be productive. I think it is too much pressure on myself. But I don’t know how to not do that. But the truth is, everyday doesn’t have to be productive. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I am allowed to just exist. You are too. And that doesn’t make you a coward or anything else, but human.

 I think that sometimes I don’t know how to live life. But I think it is actually that I expect to feel “happy” (happy chemicals release in my brain) about everything I do and if I don’t achieve that, then I was wrong. It was my fault, rather than you don’t and can’t be successful 24hrs a day, 7 days a week.

 I hear you and here to support you.

Doors24

[therising]

Hi Hendo

I feel for you so much, especially with the double whammy of anxiety and depression. 

As a 55yo gal, it actually took me decades to figure out that one of my top triggers for depression is a seriously depressing lack of energy. Wondering if you can relate to the energy factor. If 'life' is the feeling of energy running through me, I just can't feel life if I've only got enough energy to pretty much just keep my body going. Any extra energy with which to feel happiness, feel joy or feel excitement etc just isn't there. While I acknowledge all the chemical energy that promotes a sense of happiness, joy or excitement, from a natural perspective (beyond considering chemistry) all that good stuff tends to fuel the soul. I like to imagine we're more than just a big fleshy bag of chemistry, internal organs and whatnot with a brain/mind that likes to torture us at times.

I can relate to what you mention about the idea 'I've got nothing to be depressed about'. I used to think this way until I hit on the revelation 'I must be feeling something depressing otherwise I wouldn't be in a depression'. The question becomes 'What the heck am I feeling that's led me into this deep well or depression?'. Personally, I've experienced a whole number of reasons for finding myself in a depression. Whether it be based on physical/chemical reasons (severe b12 deficiency, sleep apnea etc), mental/psychological reasons (depressing inner dialogue, belief systems etc) or natural/soulful reasons (lack of inspiration, clear vision etc), I've felt it all. I believe there is always some good reason as to why we find ourself in that well. From teetering on the brink all the way through to rock bottom and every level in between, it's not always obvious why we're feeling ourself where we're at. The moment it comes to us, that revelation that leads it to all make sense, the response can be 'No wonder I'm feeling life in the ways I am. It makes complete sense'. Until that revelation hits, it can feel like a form of torture trying to make sense of it all. 

I can't help but wonder whether your experience some sense of joy when seeing your therapist. Whether the joy comes from feeling some kind of inspiration or insight from them or from better understanding yourself a little better each time you visit or there are some other elements in play, you must be experiencing a sense of something that serves you in some way. Perhaps it's something no one else seems to be able to offer you, hence not feeling it outside of the sessions.