The supporter needs a bit of propping

[MC2]

Um evening all,

It has been a while, I was on here a few years ago, and after some good advice I sort grief councilling and therapy for ptsd As part of this I was told to stop touching base he as it was affecting me.

This helped me at the time and then I paid it forward so to speak. I supported my wife through post natal depression after our first son was born. I bought her family in to support her mental recovery while I shouldered the physical workload. I helped a colleague with mental health issues confront them and seek professional help even after in the throws he tried to get me sacked with false claims (something he recanted and apologised for)

All of this while I struggled with the raw feelings of bringing a new son into a world where I had failed to protect my first and his mother.

I am currently helping another friend through different portion of his life as well, and now I have manage to get talking to a pro, I have had to step back because it hurts to much.

So why am I here....

Because through all this I have lost my close friends. I have nothing outside work/family. I've tried to build new friendships and get out there but I am still shouldering a large portion of the child caring and household work and working full time on compressed days.

I continue to struggle with the past I know I will never come to peace with.

Though I carry a lot of the childcare everyday I am constantly discriminated against"just the dad, you don't do enough." From childcare, to family and I rarely get support to push back from the wife who still struggles with her mental health. An example, a recent rare night out, a "friends wife" said to my face "Men are useless in parenting it is always up to the mother to do all the work" and as a white middle aged man I feel I can't even defend myself without being label a "__ist". My wife laughed and said "I know right". As I left to chase our child and bring him back.

I tried to start some hobbies again only to be scammed out of what little money I had.

Every time I raise an issue at work wether it is OH&S, workplace bullying of other staff or quality, I am thoroughly beaten down.

I have lost two friends through sudden and unjust instances .

I am so tired and I am lying here 1230 at night, in the spare bedroom so to not wake the wife, crying because I needed talk to someone.. and realised... I have no one in my contacts close enough I would trust to open up too.

I would talk here before anyone I know.

sorry.

Mj P

[Croix]

Dear MC2

I'm sorry. That person is cruel and inhuman and set out to hurt you in the worst way possible.

The effect would have been devastating and now is not the tme to be alone with your thoughts, that will simply make matters worse.

Please gather others to you and feel some human warmth, it is not so much now a matter of protecting others but of protecting yourself. I know a friend is dropping in, but there should be more. Reconsider talking with your wife. Plus is there anyone else you can think of?

Sophie has suggested, and I agree, ring us here on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Any one of them will give you the comfort of a human voice, and make suggestions on how to get through the next few days when you are 'reeling from the punch'.

If necessary dial 000

This is the worst time of the lot but it will get better, for once use what others can offer, you are a good man and deserve it.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Thee is one thing I would like to suggest, if you have any pictures of your late wife then look at them, fix their warmth and love in your mind, make them the lasting image. It is was what I did with my late wife, not the pictures of the funeral, and it has made a huge and healing difference throughout the rest of my life.

I can smile as she smiled when the pictures were taken. It reminds me of the good -the fun. It is a part of my life -not all of it as I remarried and have a new good life now, but they are there inside me.

If you don't have any actual pictures then cast you mind back and find images in your mind. Times you enjoyed together, use them as the lasting image and tribute. You both lived though those times and you deserve to remember the happiness.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

I'm just popping in to see how you are going, don't want you to feel too alone.

Croix

[MC2]

Hi Croix,

Funny how one photo can shatter everything.

I was fired for my 'involvement" in this dispute. I had to pull strings and involved the union before they relented. For now.

No, I was unable to keep any photos containing her beyond a grainy background shot of us on our last uni field trip and that wore out years ago.

All I can think of is that face, and then the last time I saw her alive, when she asked me to let her go back home one more time before she would leave her family and join me. That one moment I wish I could change, the one the led to ...

I tried to talk to the wife about it but as soon as mentioned my first wife, though sympathetic, just can't deal with it anymore and has put everything on edge on that front.

All the tension and now sick, my back is on fire and I have started taking painkillers again just to sleep. Just to block it all out.

Just too stop it all.

I have had a bit of extra time with kiddo of late with the work issues. It has been very grounding and made me focus on making sure I keep the job so I can keep a roof over this one's head

Police have let me know they can't really do much other than talk to him, which they have and warned him.

I am holding together for now.

Thanks for checking in.

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Thanks for answering, I was a bit worried about you.

"Funny how one photo can shatter everything" yea well I've a set of mental that do that from my police days, like a parade, though as the years have gone by they have faded a bit and no longer realy bring me undone. Yours will fade too (yes I know, hard to believe right now).

My first wife passed away too and I made the mistake of looking at her after. That stuck - not as bad as yours, but enough. Took years but I found images, not even real photos, from inside my head. An object in the house reminded me of an incident where she was playing a trick on other family members. I remember at the time watching her try not to grin, and that is the image that has taken over. There are other good ones too from inside my mind, but that one takes the cake.

I'd imagine locked in your head are good images too, make locked by gilt, grief, and the actions of others, but there nevertheless. If she wanted to be with you -even for a short while - that is treasure.

Good to have time with the kid, they live in such a different world, and as you say, does you good.

Sorry about your back -maybe we can have a "my back is worse than your back" competition:) Winner gets an extra dose of grounding/mindfulness.

May I suggest give your wife time?

Maybe if it was a pic of her passed away then it would have the same effect or more -dunno if saying that to her is wise, just a suggestion - up to you.

Hope to hear how you're going

Croix

[MC2]

I am bed bound, I have leg movement issues struggling due to the compression is nerves in my back. I have been given an appointment next Saturday to try and relieve pressure

Trying to work remotely back the painkillers are making it hard to focus. That and the isolation.

Childcare is demanding extra money for the current three weeks as well. Totalling nearly a grand. And I can't even pull him out for a week or two because because

A) I can't do much,

B) work is not exactly sympathetic to any issues I have at the moment...

C) they will still charge me.

I can't get that image out of my head, and now I can't sleep because of the night terrors are back.

Just the same images, hearing her voice squealing when she told her room mate she was engaged. Saying goodbye at the airport knowing what's going to happen and can't change it, can'tsay anything other than what I did.

Knowing the terror and pain I cause her as she flees and then. Still cause pain to her family, and now I push it onto my wife as well.

My family was fractured by the revelations when I told them.

My very presence seems to cause pain to and trouble to so many people.

Makes me think

Very quite here, lots of time to think.

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Yes life is handing you an awful lot of sh**. Bed-bound with nerve pressure is horrible, and pain-killers basically induce a sense of remote without clear thinking (or for me anyway).

Yes it is frustrating, you can't do justice to your work, and can't have the kiddo home, when you probably both need each other.

I get the feeling (my apologies if I'm mistaken) you did not act as you should wiht your first wife. I'll go down that path. If I'm wrong I'm wrong, that simple. Maybe that is why you split up (another guess)

It is done, and you are actually not the same person now. Dwelling on what one has done wrong is good for a while - or has been for me - but as a method sometimes of setting things right, and even if not a look inside myself and a learning. I'll not do those actions again. I still have regrets.

So you have thinking time, so try the hard bit - look for what is good about you. No matter how you feel about yourself you are only seeing a fraction of the whole picture.

You very obviosly have love inside you. for your wife, even if things are strained at the moment, and for your kiddo. That counts for a lot as does a sense of duty, which you have too.

Now it is your turn, what other good qualities are there? What you see when deep in self blame is only the tip of the iceberg, most of you (and the good ) is hidden.

Sometimes we do things partner's can't accept, even in changed circumstances, however that's rare. Time and some understanding -maybe by a third party - can bring people back together. My wife was horrified at some things, but cared for me when I became very ill and continued with love until she passed away.

Look, all the above is based on assumptions, feel free to give me a piece of your mind if I'm off base.

Croix (who has his flippers crossed waiting for your reaction:)

[MC2]

She is dead, died because I thought I could save her from an abusive family, dead because I wouldn't take no for an answer.. then dead because I couldn't give no for and answer..... I had said no, to her wanting to go back and convinced her to stay, and leave then ith me.

I was going to take her away, and she wanted to to go back one more time to say goodbye to her mum a sisters q. That's when she found out she was pregnant, that's when her father take her life then his own. It is a picture from that crime scene that was left for me by her brother. its all

those eyes I can't shake. It's that family that is broken and still makes sure I never forget. But my family doesn't want know either, and thanks to her britherb no friends of ours wants to know me

I can't get those eyes out of my head. I'd forgotten they were so hazel

You are right, what is done is done, and I have to live without her and the young boy she carried. With what I did that led to that. It is that my current keeps thinking she is compared too, though is not. I compartmentalise things and I don't compare.i don't talk about her at all after telling her about what happened but he comes into my life way few years to make sure I don't forget what I did to her

I thought is doing so well. I had pieced things together and now I sorry. I can't get those eyes out of me head. It has taken me right back there I can even smell her sometimes. She had so much to give this world, far more than me. And now work is in the sheep because he brother using dads old company to flock with mth and work is collateral and they nearly saked me, thanks AMWU for that help onthat one.

That fear, hollow face

Sorry, I am bablin a bit the next round is kicking in and a bit more to knock me out a little harder to sleep and hopefully not get trapped in these night mare's and hands acting up so typing is hard.

Thanks for thecear though. Just wished I had someone to sit and drink wit. Not sure how much sense there is to had her ta the moment. Probably will not even remember this rant upon morrow

MC2

[Sophie_M]

Hey MC2,

We're incredibly sorry to hear what you've been through, and how much pain you are feeling right now. We can only imagine how difficult this must be to cope with, and we hope that you can find some comfort here from opening up to our kind and understanding communtiy. Please also know that extra support is always here for you, as often as you need whenever these thoughts are feeling overwhelming, as you deserve support through this.

We'd urge you to keep reaching out to our Support Service ( 1300 22 4636), as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), whenever you need a bit of extra support, or whenever you'd like to talk things through. We think you are so strong MC2, and our community are here for you.

[MC2]

Oh dear,

That's not even coherent, I am sorry. I think I should make a rule no posting after painkillers.

Sorry all :,(