The supporter needs a bit of propping

[MC2]

Um evening all,

It has been a while, I was on here a few years ago, and after some good advice I sort grief councilling and therapy for ptsd As part of this I was told to stop touching base he as it was affecting me.

This helped me at the time and then I paid it forward so to speak. I supported my wife through post natal depression after our first son was born. I bought her family in to support her mental recovery while I shouldered the physical workload. I helped a colleague with mental health issues confront them and seek professional help even after in the throws he tried to get me sacked with false claims (something he recanted and apologised for)

All of this while I struggled with the raw feelings of bringing a new son into a world where I had failed to protect my first and his mother.

I am currently helping another friend through different portion of his life as well, and now I have manage to get talking to a pro, I have had to step back because it hurts to much.

So why am I here....

Because through all this I have lost my close friends. I have nothing outside work/family. I've tried to build new friendships and get out there but I am still shouldering a large portion of the child caring and household work and working full time on compressed days.

I continue to struggle with the past I know I will never come to peace with.

Though I carry a lot of the childcare everyday I am constantly discriminated against"just the dad, you don't do enough." From childcare, to family and I rarely get support to push back from the wife who still struggles with her mental health. An example, a recent rare night out, a "friends wife" said to my face "Men are useless in parenting it is always up to the mother to do all the work" and as a white middle aged man I feel I can't even defend myself without being label a "__ist". My wife laughed and said "I know right". As I left to chase our child and bring him back.

I tried to start some hobbies again only to be scammed out of what little money I had.

Every time I raise an issue at work wether it is OH&S, workplace bullying of other staff or quality, I am thoroughly beaten down.

I have lost two friends through sudden and unjust instances .

I am so tired and I am lying here 1230 at night, in the spare bedroom so to not wake the wife, crying because I needed talk to someone.. and realised... I have no one in my contacts close enough I would trust to open up too.

I would talk here before anyone I know.

sorry.

Mj P

[Sophie_M]

Hi MC2,

Welcome back to the forums, we are glad you have decided to join us here again. We are sorry to hear that you are struggling and that you have lost your close friends. We understand how difficult it must be not having anyone in your life that you feel comforable opening up to. 

We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

If you feel it may be helpful, we’d also recommend reaching with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear MjP - or MC2, (please say whichever you prefer)~

I'm glad you have already met Sophie_M, she gives good advice.

If I remember right you have had constant physical pain to deal with as well as the actions of others.

Reading your latest post I realise again that you are a person with empathy and try to care for those in need, putting yourself way down the list.

I guess one of the things that would have hurt me a lot was the lack of defense by your wife when in fact you do do so much. You deserve better. Lack of appreciation is corrosive and can lead one to feel less worthy.

I've no easy answers, though I do suggest you return to medical support, in the past I believe you found it of benefit. Apart from that trying to draw a balance between what you really need to do for your kids, partner and others, against what you need.

This is no easy thing, not only fighting a natural impulse to help, but also probably guilt when you do not. However getting to the stage you are at now, crying alone in the night, only underlines how necessary the balance is.

Perhaps counseling may help here.

I've re-read your contributions to the Happy Memories thread, memories others have enjoyed and found some relief in.

Would you like to come back and talk some more?

Croix

[CheeseDingo]

Please go back to some form of therapy for a checkup. It's never been easier with Telehealth options. Small investments of time now will reap rewards in the future.

You sound like you are putting a lot of energy into work and family and are making lots of sacrifices to keep everything moving along. Don't let these people judge you for what you can only answer to yourself. Don't let them invalidate you for something they can't answer for. Hopefully therapy can evaluate where you are at and help you gain a bigger picture of where you are going.

I don't have any intentions of starting a family but am 30 and work with many first time fathers with young kids. I have seen all of them have a couple of bad days a month where they are sleep deprived and have spent weeks on end only working and giving to their family. Some are lucky with family and intergenerational help, others have been migrant couples doing it all alone in a new country.

Plan your week out and open up a space of 1-2 hours to do a completely selfish activity for yourself.

Do you think you are working in the right workplace or industry? I have ~6 years in one industry and found myself quitting a job every 6-12 months because of emotional burnout due to workplace practices, workload and the types of people that were in my industry. I have been very capable at my jobs and have great references, but anxiety builds up over time due to unavoidable aspects of the job and that became an abrasive experience over time for me.

[MC2]

Hi Dingo cheese,

Yeah I am trying to get councilling but it is hard at the moment with work and family commitments. I start the day at 5am run the miss to the bus drop kiddo off work 10 hours pick up kiddo, wife, dinner bath and bed for kiddo then I usually run though work again through until 11-12 and this where it is dream feed time then bed. So I barely have time for sleep let alone to seek help.

I have tried to get help through the work councilling program however after multiple attempts they have failed to get back to me.

I used to let the criticism slide to begin with but it is every day in almost every aspect of life and it just gets to that point where you go well the only common factor is you. So the problem is you, and so you need to do more and more and more. Soon the thing you like to do you have not done for 18 months.

Work is hard but it is the only work I know how to do and though both my wife an I are both full time. I have had 2 jobs in 15 years which were both the same job while Jill has been in and out of work and constantly changing jobs. So unless I find a job that is where I am in my career and can transfer I can't contemplate quitting. Due to the..... specialised nature of the role I work there is only a hand full of roles nation wide. Most controlled by the same or the previous company.

What little other time I have I look after kiddo so the wife can complete her external activities to help with her mental health.

I know this seems like excuses, I have tried to seek help I just have not been successful yet.

Yours MC2

[MC2]

Hi Croix,

Long time no see, yeah MC2, sorry I got mixed up because I was so tired.

Yes you are right I also suffer chronic illness and pain. I got to a point that the company was forced to come good on their promise and I was pulled off the bench and stuck behind a desk.

This has reduced the pain however I have now been pulled off my pain management plan by a new doctor who does not believe in chemical pain management.so yeah ... that's not the best.

I can't criticise the wife, she struggles each week and I feel she craves the extra attention.

I feel so down at the moment when I actually got praise this week for something at work I just could not take it on board.

You are so right about guilt. There is always something that needs to be done wether it is work, house work or kiddo. If I stop, usually out of complete exhaustion I am wracked with guilt to the point I can't enjoy doing anything for myself (if I have energy to do anything for myself). I end up panicing and get back to something.

MC2

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Yes it has been a while. While I'm pleased you are able to sit down at work that is not an end to pain, and trying to manage chronic pain wihtout any medication is not always sensible. True for everyone to lead a med-less life would be a great aspiration however it's not the real world.

As I have a spinal problem that gives me chronic pain I simply would not stay with a GP who had rigid views. I'd at least talk to them and see if a reasonable plan that involved physical therapy combined with what meds were necessary - that's how I manage incidentally and have not developed either a tolerance to or an addiction to the meds involved.

Have you considered changing GPs or are there other factors you have to bear in mind?

It sounds like you have very much a routine, and it is a most time consuming and taxing one. Granted your wife may have mental health problems herself I'd not have thought it meant she was not able to take more of the burden off you. Do you mind if I ask if you have discussed this with her?

As CheeseDingo mentioned scheduling time for yourself wiht NO pressures really is needed. I read and that makes a world of difference.

Trying to get in to see a psych can be very frustrating, do you have any opportunities to try tele-health (ie video)? I use it a fair bit and find it very helpful, much better than no consultation even if not quite as good as face-to-face.

Croix

[MC2]

Hi Croix,

Yeah I am on the physio and exercise plan for the back and neck at the moment. Past dependency issues, I have to stay with doctors for a minimum amount of time otherwise I risk the doctor farming label.

Wife will take on more but it quickly takes a toll, she goes downhill then I shoulder more while she recovers. I have managed a balance at the moment (for her mental health) which does mean I am under more constant strain but, if I do one more excessive period I might break.Then I am even less useful.

I am still trying to get help through the work councilling service so I do not chew up limited services for the community. Plus, it can be counted toward work ( phone network counts it as a work meeting). This way I don't have to organise time off, deal with kiddo or make the wife aware of it. That will start open a can of worms I don't have the strength for. They just have not responded.

I find am not really a strong in person speaker...well about personal problems anyway. I wear my emotions on my sleeve which is mostly anger and I have learnt that avoidance is my strongest tool

I have anger management issues which I managed to get under control about 15 to 20 years ago. The sort of anger where you concious mind switches off and on, you have no idea where you are what happened and there is a injured person who you are apparently responsible for. I don't want this to ever happen again.

Lately my techniques for control have been failing and I have noticed the blood rise too quickly likely because of the background pain, sleep deprivation and the feeling of being trapped,alone and persecuted constantly.

I feel like I am in a cage sometimes being poked with sticks and if I react I will be put down as a dangerous animal.

This was made acutely accurate when I tried to open up to one of the inlaws to get some help with a particular challenge with my wife that led to kiddo injuring himself badly a couple times. Instead of helping she turned it on me and verbally attacked me at every opertunity until I snapped and through her out of the house. Which then ofcaurse led to massive issues throughout all three grandparent groups and our family unit

I talked to someone about a month ago. I don't know I found I just couldn't say anything of worth. I wanted to, I needed to, but it was weird everything I went say, looked at the person who was staring back and I froze and then tried to talk about the weather. Aaaargh, sorry, I am so useless at this and everything.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MC2, 

Thank you for sharing your experiences, that is an incredible and brave thing to do. We can see that you are in a great conversation and we don't want to get in the way of that. Based on your last post we just thought the resources below could be useful for you. 

Mensline - 1300 78 99 78
https://mensline.org.au/relationship-advice-for-men/managing-conflict/

Other forum threads
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/uncontrollable-anger-and-irritability#qqjsFXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/anger-issues#qxDmInHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/anger-and-frustration#qvi6SXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

We hope some of this is helpful for you. Please feel free to check back in and update us on how you are feeling.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

I have to admire the way you have described your actions, they are clear, make sense and paint your mental state truthfully, understandably and well. I think it must have cost you some soul searching to write them down here - thank you

Sophie_M has given you some useful links, and I hope you have time to read though them. I can be surprised as to how something someone else says changes matters.

I can relate to being fearful of the results of anger when being brought out of a situation by my wife where my mind was totally immersed in a past event. There the reaction was unreasoning, fortunately I never hurt anyone.

So I guess I'll ask if you think that revisiting the anger management therapy/classes or whatever you did would be of benefit. True it does not change the base causes but might allow you to cope with more confidence and less family and personal friction.

Not being able to express face to face the core of problems is something I too have had to deal with. The ability to open up and not evade, minimize or omit, or be tongue-tied, seemingly without thinking is surprisingly difficult to achieve.

I apologize if I have mentioned the following before, however I was not certain that I had and wanted to ensure you could consider the option.

My solution was to write out point form the major problems and what my life was like, including feelings. Handing a copy to the doctor/therapist/psych was a good thing. They had list to work from, I'd had plenty of time in the preceding days to include everything properly, and ended up not having to think during consultations, but mainly answer questions and amplify.

If I might ask another rather personal question (no obligation of course), would you like to say if relations with you wife are OK after the altercation you describe? From reading your posts I think she is still at home with you, however what I would say next rather depends on the situation.

I hope we do keep on talking, although our base causes are different we seem to have a lot in common. Please don't think it is all a one-way conversation, I'm learning from you (your honesty is an example) - no matter how you feel about your life.

Croix