The hurricane

[gremz]

i think everyone who has experienced returning chronic depression must know this feeling.
When you know the darkness is coming but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
the storm comes and your holding on trying not to be sucked up into the turbulent destructive hurricane that will eventually spit you out in the middle of no where with nothing, once again.

i dont know why its coming and i dont know what to do. there is no point in working because i am (physically) sick more days than well. I try to catch up with friends and family but i struggle to enjoy their company and the paranoia sets in. not to mention the constant fatigue and irritation.

I thought i was doing ok -much better than last time- but every time someone asks me how i am, i struggle to act as fine as i say i am.

is there any way out, to stop the storm, or is this just something I continuously must fight each year until i get strong enough to stop letting it affect my health?

Antidepressants only keeps me out of hospital.

[gremz]

I was seeing a psych already but she went on holiday, and I had to wait for her to come back for a referral to a local mental health service and I've run out of free sessions with her in the meantime. Any services that arent specialist just refer me on or send me away because Im too difficult and out of their expertise. My doctor will just try to get me to take more meds but they turn me into a zombie. She never listens to me. Last year I was getting migraines and she kept trying to give me anti psychotics when it turned out all I needed was glasses!

I have asked and talked to my boyfriend about it and I can see he is trying really hard to understand but it just seems like he's running out of patience. 

I can't put my studies on hold or ill have nothing else to concentrate on, my mum and dad will be so upset and Ive already paid. If i stop studying my mum will think I'm going 'bad' again, and last time she got so worried she had to have therapy! I dont want to worry her. 

Im going to look at the posts but it just feels like I know what I have to do, I just cant do it. I'm just so sick of acting fine and everyone putting pressures on me and thinking ill be ok because I seem ok. But at the same time I cant say anything because ifeel like Ill let everyone down if they realise they can't lean on me. I just need to talk to someone so bad and its so unfair i have to wait this long! Ive tried writing and drawing and it helps, but i still feel so overwhelmed. So stuck..

[gremz]

Hi Amber,

I just wanted to thank you for listening/talking to me last night. It helped me cry out the negative and feel a little less weighed down. It really helped much more than I thought it would. I feel a lot better today, have looked at the motivation post and am going to write a few easy goals now. Lucky I have already made myself a happy music playlist to start my day 🙂

Thanks again,

Gremz

[Zoe__lt_3]

Good luck Gremz,

Keep up with the motivation and positive thoughts. Even start small with a couple per day and slowly build up over time... It works for me and often reduces my worst days.

Have you considered trying to do something really nice for your boyfriend? Something to show how much he's appreciated for his patience and support - I know it'll be a big effort, but if you make it work then that will make a huge difference for you both. Something to build on and show him that you're trying. Give it some thought anyway. We depression sufferers often get so caught up in how we feel that we can neglect those that do really care/ understand.

*hugs*

Zoe x

[gremz]

Hey Zoe

Thanks for the support and that seems like a great idea to do something nice for my boyfriend. I'm not working so I dont have any money so hopefully a drawing or something will be ok....  What have you done in the past?

I'm pretty excited, I called up the mental health agency that I have been waiting on to track the progress and they said my referral has finally gone through and they are currently matching me up with a worker. 🙂 not long now til I can be supported again.

I've also tried to start back at number one. Tackle one thing at a time. With anxiety its too easy to get caught up in the future and forget the present. Step one - smile. 🙂

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Gremz,  

Glad to hear you’re feeling excited – it’s great that you’ve got a new referral. That’s got to be a big relief. Treat it like a new start – it’s time to work on you girl!

As for your bf; I like your drawing idea. Art can be so individual and special, so I’m sure he’d appreciate it. Otherwise, I’ve arranged with my partner to meet at lunchtime and leave work to go out for a little picnic in a local park. Just little things like that so that we could spend more time together when we’re normally apart.

Or I’ve surprised him at his local footy club practice wearing my shortest skirt I have and one of his club jumpers just to tease him for a little light-hearted fun. I’m a drawer like you (tried painting but never much good at it) and I know he loves manga art, so I drew a picture of him as a kind of space-age hero, then inked it and framed it with a cheap A4 frame for his birthday. He loved the personal touch.  

I hope this helps!   Zoe x

[Booma18]

Wow...
I have only just begun to accept the fact that i am, and have been suffering depression for a long time. May not seem like much to you but that is exactly how i feel. When you know the darkness is coming.... I suffer from depression and i am using this post to admit it for the first time. do others feel like this? laying, waiting for it to arrive. I know nothing about depression, only that it is ruining my life.

[gremz]

Hey Zoe,

Love all your ideas. Sounds like your man is lucky to have you!

My boyfriend has the day off work today so going to make the day special 🙂 (even if all he wants to do is play xbox)

And Booma,

Good on you for realizing accepting and reaching out!
Sometimes depression is impossible to understand or describe, but that feeling of dread and darkness is definitely how I feel sometimes. And feeling out of control, spiraling downhill... the worst (sorry if im putting words into your mouth, let me know if I'm wrong) Have you considered seeing a doctor?
Really glad you have joined Beyondblue. 🙂

[AGrace]

Hi gremz, 

I'm glad things are progressing for you. I can hear a bit more hope and positivity in your more recent posts.

It's a lovely idea to consider doing something special for your boyfriend. I was watching a talk last night about the fact that money actually can buy happiness as long as you spend it right. The way to get money to make you happy is to spend it on someone else. Even with no money giving to others is so powerful and can make you feel warm and fuzzy inside too.

You mentioned that you already have a playlist of happy music for yourself. Have you thought about creating a playlist for your boyfriend that reflects your time together? I remember when couples always wanted to have a song, their song. We don't tend to do this much anymore, but I'm sure your boyfriend will see the romance behind the gesture. If your boyfriend has a car, you could also surprise him by washing his car without him knowing. As the weather starts to warm up, camping in the back yard, or camping in the lounge room can also be fun. One of the things I used to do for my boyfriend was stick a post it note to his mobile phone or in his lunch box every day, just saying "I love you".

Let us know how you get on with the appointments.

AGrace

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Gremz,  

I like the car-washing idea AGrace mentioned too – especially if you use lots of bubbles and flick some at him. A good water-fight in the warmer months can be loads of fun and doesn’t have to lead to anything… it’s just fun-time together and costs zilch. Of course, if things go really well for both of you then go just with it.. 😉

I just remembered another great “reward for a good boy” is a long gentle massage (non-sexual, unless he’s been really good!). I have been known to put on soothing music and aromatherapy candles, then give him a gentle massage especially after football or a hard day at work. Even boys like to be pampered.

As long as you set boundaries before you start, he’ll know to behave himself and things should go really well for you both – with any luck, he may return the favour next time!!

Zoe x

[gremz]

hey guys.

we don't have a car or backyard. i tried to organize a picnic with him, it started off a mess because i was being too panicky and controlling about it but eventually we had a good day. I also made a playlist and let him have lots of GTA time and played some games with him.

I guess all is well now. i should be seeing a new counselor by the end of the week and i am up to date with all my assignments. Setting simple goals really helped, i didnt realise how many things i was trying to juggle before that!

thanks for the support.