If this is mild depression why does it feel so horrible?

[HelenM]

Ok. Twelve years ago I had a depression that was so awful I am still traumatised by it. Over the years my depression has become much milder and  sometimes my good spells have lasted for many months. Usually I come out of a depression within a few months and maybe within almost half of that my mood is good. 

I went into a depression that was very mild 6 months ago. A few good days here and there. In April I could actually feel the depression lifting above me one day. My depression became milder still. And since then I've had a few good weeks on a couple of occasions. I've also had  two separate weeks of totally irrational fear,believing I was definitely going back to that terrible place of 12 years ago. No amount of normal reasoning could change my fears. Each time it went within a week. 

Here I am now after several very anxious days - I think they're going now. My mood is mildly depressed. But if it's mild why do I just feel like screaming? Why do I want the day to be over. I will have another good day, maybe a few weeks. I know that it's the duration of it that's getting me down. It's the feeling that life will always be like this. The struggling to find the motivation to mow the grass later. The wanting to cry cos I've walked dog pooh in the house. The longing to enjoy my husband's company but even though I love him I feel too fed up.

Compared to my first depression this is nothing. But I think that for someone who had never experienced depression it would be awful - they'd feel their life was over. And in so many ways my life has had to die bit by bit. Working, living on my own, being able to help out my kids on a practical level. I've adjusted to all this. I just can't adjust to feeling rubbish in my head for much of the time.

Lots of people here have chronic mental health problems. They are all lovely people. The long term users rarely mention feeling rubbish regularly or for weeks on end. Is that because you are enduring these difficulties but trying to get by? Or are you going through a good spell? Do you have months on end of struggling? My GP sees me regularly. He says this is how I am. I do all the right stuff to help myself. My meds are ok. I think I've to just carry on enjoying the good bits and hoping I get a few months off again.

On here I've been given lots of support. Still I'm coming out with the same moans. I'm sorry about that. I just find it so hard to put up with this even though it's mild.

Thanks, Helen

[BeeGee]

Thanks for sharing where you are at, Helen. I'm afraid I can't offer much insight there, only being a newbie myself - but it's helpful for me to know that this could be a possible outcome for my depression and not to set myself unrealistic expectations.

Of course I hope to one day being more "normal" (whatever that is) but maybe I might have to settle for improvement rather than cure.  Good to know.

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen and BeeGee

Life is certainly hard work.  I wish I knew the answer for both of you. And myself of course plus everyone who has depression.

Fourteen years ago this started and like you Helen, it was the pits. I sometimes look back and wonder how I survived it. Then life got so much better and while I think I was still mildly depressed I was coping well. Yes, a few down days but mainly an OK time.

Then things started to go wrong again. There was a specific reason for this but knowing why does not always help. In fact I find it makes me so angry because it was not my fault. It was due to some horrible things happening to me. So I fell into the black hole again in company with the black dog.

It's all to do with resilience I'm told. Well that does not make me feel better. In fact knowing I do not have the required amount of resilience to get on with my life is enough to make me feel like ending it all now. Going from one traumatic episode to another is not my idea of a good life. And the more I try the worse it gets. "Keep try! Keep practicing!" "You just need to believe in yourself".

Maybe resilience should be taught in school.

I'm not a saint, though a bit of saintliness would come in useful now and then. So why do I need to try so hard all the time? Yes, it's better that we stay quiet about our struggles in case we dishearten everyone else.

Well I hope I have not thoroughly convinced you of the futility of it all. Now that I have really had a go at spitting the dummy I do feel better. Perhaps I should do this more often?

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[HelenM]

Hi Bee Gee

Your experience won't necessarily be like mine. Lots of people with depression come out of it for good, or just have wee bits here and there. 

Also you could well be more patient than me. I met up with a friend today who has MS. Although  just now it's not too bad what is helping her is her attitude to it. If we can somehow accept things it helps. Sometimes I can - often I can't.

Take care, Helen

[HelenM]

Hi LING

I've just posted and it got lost. I'll try again.

[HelenM]

Ling

I'm doing this in bits. I was frustrated as I lost quite a long post.

From your post I think you're saying that you experience depression much like me but you don't want to upset people. Oddly, I like to read of people's difficulties if there are also posts that are positive. If regular users tell of their struggles but are also getting on with their lives it makes me think I can do it too.

[HelenM]

Hi LING

Re my last post. Did I understand you correctly?

Resilience is not something we can develop in my opinion. Maybe as children but even when we're quite young that part of us is made up I think. From as early as I can remember I was easily upset by the least wee thing. One of my sisters was very resilient and from what my parents say she was like that from the word go.

I tend to think that there are lots of weeds that grow abundantly. They thrive in any climate, any soil. If they're uprooted and discarded they start to grow where they land. Then there are rare plants - beautiful for their vibrant colours, or unusual leaves. They may have healing qualities. They are rare because they're fragile. They need careful handling if they're going to grow. These beautiful plants are what people remember at the end of their day. 

We may not be resilient but most people with mental health problems have qualities that others don't. We are, even if we don't like it, the easily crushed plant that gives of it's best even though we suffer because of it.

[Doolhof]

Hi HelenM and LING,

One of the psychiatrists or psychologist I went to, told me to think of depression like any other disease, say diabetes or MS. There are a certain amount of medications and procedures you can take and do to help keep the disease in check, you have to keep working on it.

I know that when you are feeling like you are right down in the bottom of the pit, you feel like there is no way of getting out again, but eventually we do manage to get out! It may take days, weeks or months, but we do seem to manage to find a way out.

Sometimes I just let the blackest days happen, to roll over me and I try to think that day will pass and tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities and opportunities. When I try to fight those black days, I sometimes just make them worse, as negative thoughts just seem to attract more negative thoughts. Those are good days for reading books, taking a hot bath, watching your favourite movie or pulling up weeds in the garden.

I try to accept my depression as an illness, not as something that is wrong with me because of anything I have done or because I am not strong enough or resilient enough to get over it right now. People are cured of depression yes, and some of us have to live with it for a while or for a lifetime.

Being able to share my thoughts and feelings in this safe and understanding environment is a huge help to me, and I hope it is to both of you as well. For me, just having people comprehend how you are feeling and to recognise that life is a little tough at times, helps me to feel less like I am on this journey alone.

Thinking of you HelenM and LING and hoping for a bit of sunshine to come your way.

[White_Rose]

Thank you.

I have not written much about my struggles because I feel unworthy of attention. This attitude is now changing a little and I find I want to tell someone how I feel and have that accepted as part of me.

I told my daughter yesterday that I felt really bad and I would like her to at least listen to me. She said yes she would but there was nothing she could do about it. I realised then how little people, even closest family, understand how it feels. I know she cares and worries about me and wants to "cheer me up". So I constantly remind myself not to bother anyone because they either think I am complaining about nothing or do not know what to do.

After all the posts I have written here I think I am finally getting able to spit the dummy without feeling guilty for doing so. It's hard not to believe that others will be disgusted with you. Better stop before I cry.

LING

[AGrace]

Hi Helen,

From reading your post, I guess I can put myself into the category of regular, but don't often reveal my struggles.

In comparison to when I was severely depressed, wanting to end it all, not telling people how I felt, just getting angry at them, feeling alone, feeling like it was easier to just stay in bed, I'm now feeling rather well. So what does wellness look like for me?

I still see my Psychiatrist and Psychologist weekly, I attend therapy groups 1-3 times per week, I still take high doses of medication, I make a huge effort to put some of the skills I've learned into practice every day. Without all of this, or even if I take one element away I know I'll fall back into a big black hole again. I still have bad days. Today for instance I have no motivation, so despite doing some housework, I've barely gotten out of bed. The only difference is that I don't get frustrated by this anymore. If I need one of these lazy days then it's ok with me. 

I still have days where I have self destructive thoughts but now I try every possible strategy I can to ride the urges and get beyond them. I'm still not working, and at times this makes me feel useless, but I know that right now work is not what I need - I still have to focus on just me for a while longer. I still have episodes where I cry, sometimes with reason, often without, but I know how relieved I can feel after crying and I know that other people cry as well.

I can't say life is perfect, but then I'm not really aiming for that. I can't say that life isn't an effort - but I don't think it's easy for anyone. I'm completely honest with others about how I'm feeling. If I'm having a lousy day then I tell it how it is. I don't get bothered anymore about what others may think. If they don't understand that's their problem, not mine. I have really good days too when I'm laughing, I'm grateful, I feel happy, I feel calm, and I'm not just focused on my troubles. So all in all there's a mixture of feelings. Of course I get fearful that I'll slip back into a relapse, but I guess no one knows what's around the corner for them. 

I can say I don't live months in advance anymore, I just take each day as it comes.

Not sure if this is helpful?

AGrace