Suddenly feeling these huge emotions

[Spl spl]

Heya, I've posted on this site before but the topic had nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about here, so I decided to start a new thread.

Most of the time I'm a pretty apathetic person. I find it hard to empathize with what others are feeling on anything below the surface level. With my own emotions even, it was like they were far less dramatic than what other people around me were feeling. Obviously, it's because of depression. When I'm depressed, it's less me crying all the time and more like an extreme haze of apathy. But these past two weeks things have changed and I'm just wondering what's going on.

So yeah it started with me telling my suicidal sister to kill herself. Which was damn weird because I said it out of nowhere and something I regret for sure. It was like I reached peak apathy and graduated into a grade-a assholeness. I was just saying things left and right with way less of a filter because empathy was just not there at all. That was around two weeks ago. Don't worry, I apologized and she said it's okay but that was just a really weird situation because normally we have a great relationship and I felt Nothing for that entire week.

And then this week, I suddenly start crying and stuff! For the first time in months. What the heck. It was like a 180 and now I'm just in a state of perpetual panic because of all these ~emotions~ and I cried so many times yesterday and today. All of my emotions have been magnified it's so weird. Like if I'm scrolling on twitter and see something funny I actually smile! What! But it has its demerits as well since I was feeling extremely anxious today and then a freaking job offer called me on the phone and I denied like an idiot because I was panicking and could barely formulate thought. Its been a strange February so far. Does anyone here relate or have an idea of what I'm talking about? If not thanks for listening anyway.

TL;DR Help my apathetic self is suddenly feeling emotions and its super freaky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Spl spl,

The sudden “swing” from apathy and full-blown emotions would unsettle anyone. No wonder you’re feeling so shaken by it. It must be such a huge adjustment and shock to your thoughts and emotions to be feeling again. The emotional spillage must be so painful and exhausting...

My personal thoughts is it’s a little like stuffing a chest full of clothes. A chest has a point of maximum capacity so once you get to that point, it will burst open and no longer close...

I feel maybe it’s similar with your emotions where it was all repressed for a while. But perhaps you had reached that point where you had repressed too much and your emotions now need a release. Just my thoughts anyway...

I hope you don’t mind if I ask if you have spoken to anyone about how you’ve been feeling (e.g. the apathy then full-blown emotions)? It’s just that I feel it would be fantastic to have some more support in place like from your friends, family, GP, etc.

You also have the forums here as support of course. You’re always welcome to use this space to share more about yourself, let off some steam or talk. There are many compassionate forum members here.

Hope to hear from you again (if you like).

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Spl spl]

Hi Pepper,

Thanks for the reply. Yeah I could say its a bit like emotional whiplash in the way you described it. I did think that it could be a consequence of repression as well, since I do have a bit of a habit of internalizing things. So that could be a reason why that suddenly happened. You are right it is tiring though.

No I haven't talked to anyone about this, mostly because it was very recent, and it's more of a state of mind than an actual event? I feel like I'm going crazy. I'll try to see what I can do even though I don't really know how to describe it properly. Like there's all that stuff I just talked about but feeling all of those overwhelming things kind of left me in a state of panic/frantic-ness. I do have an appointment with my psychologist soon so that could work.

Thanks,

Spl

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Spl spl,

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s really good to hear from you again.

You come across as someone who is highly self aware, which is great. Self insight is a wonderful quality. I realise that insight doesn’t negate or lessen your pain and suffering of course. But I feel it can definitely be a great tool in recovery.

Your current mental state must be very frustrating and overwhelming. Sometimes not being unable to find a specific reason for our state of mind can just add to the frustration. But personally I feel that regardless of whether it’s a state of mind or an actual event contributing to a state of mind, if it’s something that’s causing you distress (which it clearly is) then it’s worth paying attention to it and seeking help. Just my thoughts at least...

Hopefully your psychologist can help you to manage your current mood and maybe even share strategies with you to cope. All the best with it...

Also, if you want to talk some more, please feel free to use this space to chat. I would be happy to continue this conversation (if you want).

Kind thoughts,

Pepper