Hi! I hope things are going ok.
I can relate to that. I wish I could help.
How do you feel when you go outside? Is it anything like this?
I set out with low energy but a little bit of optimism, knowing that nothing good will come from staying at home, but if I go out there is a slight possibility that some miracle might occur to make my life turn around. Then after setting off maybe I see some friendly looking people. I say "Hi!", they say "Hi!" in reply. I feel good. As I continue walking it occurs to me that the polite exchange of greetings is as good as my day will get, and an uncomfortable emptiness starts to open up inside me. I look around at all the happy, normal people. I want to be like them but I cant - the depression has reduced my ability to connect so that now the infectious happiness of people in groups seems so alien, and only serves to reinforce how broken I am. After five more minutes the emptiness grows, and I get that detached, physically cold feeling. I try to fight it but that only seems to add fuel to the fire. By the time I get back home the emptiness has turned into an emotional black hole - annihilating every shred of positive emotion. Thinking about it afterwards, I realize that the attempt at doing something positive has made my day much worse. But I also know that despite the awfulness, I will always try again tomorrow. It is now twenty years of depression and I will never give up (though if I had of known it was going to take this long.....)
Good luck!
