Careful What You Wish For

[Bullitt]

Hi! I am 33 & single. I own my own house. I own and operate a commercial cleaning business with my best friend. I love music, video games, 4wding and comedy. I love playing with my niece. I earn good money and life isn't too bad. I have reached an age where I can finally do whatever I want with no-one to stop me! I can finally get my bike license! I can finally plan out and write the album I have been envisioning for years! I can spend the night relaxing and playing games! Sounds pretty sweet huh?

I can't do any of these things, and I couldn't be more miserable. What frustrates me the most is that I'm not an idiot. I KNOW I am capable of doing the things I want to do but I can't make myself start! It's like I'm that scared of hard work or the possibility of failure that it is easier to just not try. If it stays on the list of things I know I COULD do if I WANTED to I haven’t failed!

Why don't I do it? Why don't I care? I'm not complaining I really want to know why I hold myself back. It's like I just don't care, but at the same time I am guilty as hell for not caring. All I want is to be left alone, and now I'm 33 and my life feels like an all you can eat buffet of hollow shit. I can sit around and do nothing as much as I want! And no-one can stop me!

But that's the problem. Whenever I am at home, I wish I was out seeing friends, family, or trying something new. But if I am not home, I just wish I was home and start doing the maths in my head to figure out how long until I am home. When I get home, smoke some weed, and watch YouTube or tv repeats of a show I have seen literally hundreds of times and am bored out of my mind! I can't even commit to watching a good movie I haven't seen as that would take 2 whole hours! What a waste of time! I'll just spend that time watching MASH repeats instead. How ridiculous.

It feels like I'm missing out on something. Wasn't I supposed to be married with kids by now? Wasn't I supposed to have done the 'become an adult' thing I have been waiting for since I finished high school?

I think I need help to snap out of this rut. I have tried many times to do it myself, and for a week or two it's great! Then it all turns back into shit. I need help to get through week 3 & 4. To get to week 20. To realise one day that I have no idea how long ago I lost count of how many weeks since I sorted out my life.

I don’t know why I posted this. I don't feel sad, I just wish I cared more. Does this post even make sense to anyone?

[Kazzl]

Hi Bullitt, welcome to the forum. Yep, it makes perfect sense to me. You described it yourself - you've fallen in a rut. There could be many reasons for that. You have been very focussed on succeeding, and you have succeeded. Now what? Those two words can be very scary, even for the strongest, most capable among us.

You mention things you would like to do but lack the motivation to make them happen. Have a read of the resources on the BB site, especially on depression. I'm not diagnosing you, but lack of interest in things you normally enjoy could be a sign you're heading that way.

I reckon you should talk to your doctor, and maybe a psychologist. It could be that you've just hit a rough patch and are beset by fear or indecision that will pass, but it could be something else, a mental health issue easily treated. Either way, they can help you through it.

Perhaps too, think about what you really want in life. You have set yourself up well materially and that's a great safety net for the future. Maybe it's time to listen to your inner self. What would make you happy? You are young enough to pursue whatever that is. And it might take just one small step to start the journey (join a group, do some volunteer work, give back somehow, meet different people to your usual friendship group) ... just a thought. I know it helps me and many others here.

Best wishes to you Bullitt, I hope you keep posting here.

Kaz

[KKing]

Hey Bullitt, I'm no Councillor but I'd say a big problem is probably the weed.

Have you ever met an active 'pot-head'. Not meaning that in an insulting way, I've seen 'weed' ruin many a good friend who just couldn't be bothered to do anything...

I'd say if you come off the weed, in a short period of time you will see a difference in yourself without a doubt..