Dear Ms-B~
Welcome back, it is good to hear from you even though in such poor circumstances.
Having had a horrific younger years it is not that surprising it acts like an injury and keeps on coming back and driving out positive and hopeful thoughts. I know the feeling.
I can also understand your frustration and feelings of abandonment when your clinical team simply does not do its job. Actually I think if you ever find just one, as you did in the past, it changes the whole thing. Sadly the good one you had, your case manager, is no longer looking after you properly.
I read you had some long conversations wihth Eagle Ray, who is pretty cluey, even though suffering the same sorts of things too.
I tend to find ER's personal solutions are good, even though not everyone's strong point. ER goes put into nature and takes photograph after being still and letting wildlife approach. Normally come back feeling better.
You like Lego and painting and puzzles, and although you say you don't have much creativity I think in time you will progress from using numbers, at least at times when you get an idea and want ot set it down. Does not have to be nice idea like flowers, might be expressing abandonment, then again may be victories, even little ones. A damp toothbrush in a glass can show the victory of getting up and getting ready to face another day.
Thinks you can do that distract you, or things you like, plus of course music, can make a real difference. I tease the cat who loves to just snooze and if I gently touch it's ear. It flicks it and glares at me. I read favorite books more than once, and a load of other things.
I divide up my day, with the good stuff in the evening, this gives me something to look forward too when the day is yuck.
I know these are not direct answers to you problems, however I find they can help a lot.
May I ask if you have anyone, a family member or a friend perhaps? Someone that cares about you and will talk frankly with you , not 'fixing 'anything, just leaving you feeling less alone. I remember you have a daughter, how do you get on?
Please feel you can come back and talk more, and if I'm not talking about what you want sing out
Croix
