im hideous

[phightingphan]

TW

First of all, thank you all for the support. I doubt I will ever change, and I'm only ever on here to rant, but I'm extremely grateful that there are people who are taking time out of their days to support me. :))

To the topic at hand: I believe I am terribly ugly.

Yes, I am well aware of what causes me to think this way, the perpetuation of beauty standards and whatnot, and I know I have become an unfortunate victim of that system, but it is. Actually impossible to stop thinking this way lol. 

I have prominent body hair, for one. I KNOW that body hair is normal on every human, and basically everyone has it, but oh my GOD. I can't go outside wearing short-sleeved shirts because my arm hair makes me feel like a sasquatch. Like I'm a giant grizzly bear trying to masquerade as a teenage girl. This wouldn't at all be an issue if my body hair weren't so dark. It is so dark that even if I shave, you can still see it underneath my skin (I have pale skin). The worst thing is? I can do NOTHING about it. Do you think I'm bothered to go get some sort of laser hair removal?? no?? How am I even supposed to explain that to my parents?? 

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Probably one of the worst issues I have with my body is.. well.. my body. The very way my bones are structured, the way my flesh and muscle sit atop of it. Disfigured, even. I look into the mirror before I shower every day, and I want to hurl. My ribcage is far too wide, my shoulders are too broad, my hips are too narrow, my waist is too short.

It hurts to know that I'm cursed to look the way I do for as long as I live. What can I do to improve this? What can make it so I don't have to live like this anymore???

Forget it. I'm far too lazy anyhow.

[Picture]

Hello

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like this is causing you significant distress. It is not easy to see yourself how others see you - which I think would be more positively than you see yourself at the moment. 

I think it would be worth seeing a GP to explain how you are feeling about yourself. You could be prescribed medication to help you feel better or referred to a psychologist for support. I personally have felt a lot better after having antidepressant medication and seeing a psychologist.

I should note that I think it is quite common for teenage girls to feel insecure or unhappy with their appearance. I think sometimes girls confidence can be improved in a number of ways depending on the particular issue eg beauty products; new clothes; new hairstyle etc. It needs to be remembered though, it is not possible to meet unattainable beauty ideals sometimes portrayed in advertising and media. While I understand looking your best is important for self esteem, there are many people who are not traditionally good looking but are still attractive to others due to their caring nature, their intelligence or some other positive qualities.

However, given your appearance is impacting your confidence and self esteem to the extent it is, I think it would be good to get some professional help. You could explain to your parents that you have been feeling very down lately and would like to see a GP. Another alternative could be to speak to the school nurse/chaplin/psychologist and ask them to explain the situation to your parents in broad terms in order for you to get appropriate medical and psychological support.

It seems very hard now but things will improve over time with proactive steps. Wishing you the best.

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

Thank you so much for writing into the forum, there are so many people out there who can relate to what you are going through and share similar thoughts/feelings. To start off with, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Being a teenager especially in this era of social media etc is super difficult and the feelings you have are unfortinately ver common amongst young people. Th way you are speaking to yourself is super harsh and it makes me sad to hear you feel this way about your appearance. 

When I was young and up until recently, I struggled with my own body image issues and feeling "ugly". It can feel consuming and ripples into your confidence in other areas. I used to hate so many things about myself, things I could not change. When i look back on pictures I can see how much i tried to alter my apperamce through fake tan, eyelash extensions, makeup, the whole lot. Not to say that there is anything wrong with those thiings at all, but it was very excessive and I was doing it to alter my natural self. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Fats forward to now, I have comletely changed the relationship I have towards myself. I value my intelligence, kindness, compassion and interests that extend far beyond my physical apperace. I place value on things like the quality of my relationships, my mental/physcial health and hobbies. I focus on how I FEEL. I promise you, the second I started doing this, I started to view myself as more beautiful physically. Beauty is all about perception, and the more you practice perceiving yourself as interesting, beautiful etc, it will ultimately become your default. This has taken me time to learn, and im not perfect by any means but small steps everyday will pay off long term.

You are not cursed, you are not lazy and you do not have to feel this way about yourself. I think it could be beneficial for you to speak with a psychologist/counsellor about how you are feeling so that they can help put strategies in place for you to shift your mindset. Even the school guidance counsellor if you have one. I also found a lot of online resources like podcasts that speak on the topics of body image/self love to be so so helpful over the years. 

I hope this helps! All the best and feel free to write more. 

Daydreamer.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear phightingphan,

Like the others here I just wanted to send you support and try to help you know that there is nothing wrong with you. Being a teenager is incredibly tough with all the idealised images out there presenting notions of what is "acceptable" and "beautiful". I felt there were many things wrong with me as a teenager including my appearance, but I can now look back at myself as a 51 year old and realise there was nothing wrong at all. I actually wish I could go back and nurture my teenage self and help her know that and be proud of herself. I remember a friend of mine saying when he was in his 20s that he couldn't wait to be middle-aged so he, in his words, "didn't have to feel embarrassed anymore". I think we often suffer from what we see as the perceived gaze of others, but eventually get to a point we realise that others' perceptions, or our perception of their perceptions, do not matter. And we can begin to see, accept and love ourselves for who we are.

With regard to body hair, it must be one of the things many women suffer through the most, putting themselves through so many treatments etc to have an immaculate hairless look. We are actually mammals and hair is meant to grow on our bodies, but it has become a social construct at least in certain societies that body hair is somehow unsightly. Fortunately there are women standing up to this now including some models and people in show business etc who are beginning to change the narrative. It should really be people's choice how they orient to body hair - remove it if they want to but be free to not do so as well. If you do a search for something like "women embracing body hair", which I did just now, I found there's articles, forum threads etc on the topic where women are having the courage to be fully accepting of themselves as they are, or only change things they want to change, not feel forced by perceived social expectations. It may make you feel better to know that others have struggled with the same issues and are finding their own ways through to feeling much more self-accepting and better about themselves.

By having the courage to speak about these topics I imagine you have helped others too, as I am sure there are many others out there who feel very similar to you and that you are definitely not alone. I think it is possible to reclaim a sense of your own worth and identity. You are your own unique special self, as are all people, and it is really, really ok to be you. Take care and sending you a hug 🤗

[Psychdiaries2]

Hello, 

Thank you for your post, I know it will bring so much awareness on body image issues and help people to feel seen in their own struggles. 

It saddens me to hear people talk about their appearance in a negative way. However, throughout high school, I definitely spoke about my self in the same light unfortunately. It is so hard to be a teen girl especially constantly looking on social media and comparing yourself to others. Remember that comparing yourself to others is only ruining your confidence even more. Comparison is the thief of joy. 

I assume you’re still growing/going through puberty and it is understandable to feel self-conscious when your body is changing so fast. I used to knit pick every little thing I didn’t like about myself, now I’ve grown to love them. Not going to lie, I still get insecure at times but have started to appreciate myself more. I remind myself that I am beautiful and I think that is a game changer. You won’t believe it at first, but over time you will. It’s like training your brain and it works! Be kind to yourself. Every time you want to say something mean to yourself, try to say something positive or something you’re grateful for instead. 

I also wanted to say that no one is perfect. You’re not alone, everyone gets insecure at times. However, I understand how draining it is to constantly hate on yourself. Maybe try to keep tabs on the content you’re viewing online because I feel like scrolling on Insta can definitely make you feel insecure and compare yourself at times. 

Give yourself some grace today. Treat yourself with kindness and self-care. We only have one body and we need to look after it. You’re not cursed, you can learn to appreciate your body with time. Sending love to you ❤️

[ViolettaZ]

Hi phightingphan,

first of all, Thanks for opening up:)

You’re not “crazy” for thinking this way about yourself. You understand how beauty standards work and how distorted they are, but knowing that doesn’t make you immune. When we’re exposed to the same beauty standard over and over again, our brains absorb them. That isn’t your fault.

The way you see your body now isn’t just “dislike” anymore, it’s judging yourself by an extremely harsh standard that allows no room for anything else. And that voice judging you often isn’t really you; it’s the beauty standards you’ve internalized from the outside world.

You ask, “What can I do to improve?” and “How can I stop living like this?” and then immediately say, “Forget it, I’m too lazy.” that seems a kind of self-protection. When hope keeps getting crushed, people learn to mock themselves first so it doesn’t hurt as much later.

You don’t need to push yourself to love yourself immediately. But I really encourage you not to torture yourself every day over your body to the point of feeling sick.

One helpful option is to build an inner supporter. If you’re comfortable, try creating new, kinder language and repeating it until body-positive, compassionate thoughts start to feel more natural. Stand in front of the mirror and say out loud, “I am strong,” “I am beautiful.” It’s okay if you don’t believe these words yet. you probably won’t at first, and it may feel awkward. But over time, the more you tell yourself these things, the more they can take root. The goal is to make your inner supporter stronger than your harsh inner critic.

What do you think about this idea?

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ