Achored.

[Numb]

Good morning to one and all.    I am a senior, trying to break free from my mundane self-isolating life.  Hurt has seen me resort to withdrawal.  Depression has been my companion.  Yes, I have tried Counselling, activities, etc., only to ride on a high for a while, then fall back to earth with a sickening thud.  For the past 2 yrs I have been trying to move house to no avail.  I have tried to find paid work, to no avail.  I have tried, tried and tried again to move forward, only to be held back by my insecurities, bad decisions or circumstances beyond my control.  I am fortunate as I am secure with material means, but I am an empty shell.  I have a faithful partner; who's only input to our relationship is his opinion to which he gives freely, and nothing else.  I am a grandparent, and my children have their own lives.  Their preference to their father and his side of the family is obvious.  I have nothing to offer them, apart from my hands, willingness, home cooked meals, a shoulder to cry on, a refuge and monies I give, that I don't have or can't afford.   In truth, I hate myself, my life and each and every morning, I wake to dread.  Suicide is constantly on my mind.  No, I won't go through with it, as I have a family, and it's a burden I won't inflict on them, to leave them to carry and deal with my cowardness all their lives. I ask myself daily, when will my final day come!!  My life is not a consequence from lack of trying; it's not knowing what other options (I haven't already tried) that will help me to move forward.  To become what I have always wanted to be, what I use to be.  My former self haunts me daily, I look back on what I had and achieved, only to be left thinking and living with how I screwed up my life.  I don't want to live alone, but I don't want what I have now.  I just don't know the reasoning behind my failures, besides that perhaps I was born a failure to begin with.  How do others move forward when the anchor around their legs, is pulling them deeper into the depths of despair.  

[indigo22]

Hi Numb,

I am a senior who self isolates too. The difference is that I am ok with that, I spend more time on things that I like to do and less time on the mundane chores and this seems to work ok for me, however, I live alone so this may make a difference too. I have been dealing with depression for more than 50 years, at times I have managed it, other times it has got on top of me.

You seem to have a level of self loathing that can come with depression, where all you can see is what has gone wrong and you are blinded to the times where things have gone right. I have been through suicidal ideation a number of times and I know it is not easy to get yourself out of the black hole. It takes strength, self compassion and a new way of thinking to pull you out.

No doubt there has been trauma at the root of your mental health issues. What I found helped me was to read books on mental health in order to understand my reactions and thought processes. I have always had abundant compassion for others but this helped me find greater compassion for myself also. It has also helped me to be kinder to myself when I am having a not so good day. Instead of beating myself up about it, I just acknowledge that it is not one of my good days and just allow the day to unfold as it may because I know that it will pass. I recently wrote a post that may help with how you are feeling (or may not, either way it's ok).

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-true-meaning-of-self-love/td-p/613554

It's so easy to get caught up in the drama of life and forget that we are not here to live a dramatic existence, we are here to live in a state of peace, happiness and abundance. Those with mental health issues struggle with the latter due to low self esteem, self worth, self compassion and self love. It doesn't help that we live in a world that still doesn't understand the effect mental illness has on the one going through it.

I will leave it there for now but please feel free to continue this conversation. If you are interested, I can recommend some books that I have found helpful.

Try to begin to be kinder to yourself,

indigo 🌹

[Guest_10343]

I really resonated with what you wrote, especially about trying to break free from that mundane feeling. It is incredibly frustrating when you put in the hard work with counseling and activities, feel that brief moment of relief or "high," and then feel the depression creeping back in. It can make you feel like the effort wasn't worth it, but please know that it was.
You mentioned you are a senior and have tried self-isolating to avoid hurt. That is such a common protective mechanism, but as you’ve found, it can become a lonely cage.
Since you mentioned you’ve tried activities before, was there even one specific small hobby or interest that brought you a tiny spark of joy in the past? Sometimes looking for just 1% of relief is more manageable than trying to "fix" the whole feeling at once.

[therising]

Hi Numb

My heart goes out to you so much as you face one of the most incredibly challenging times in your life. I wish there was something I could say, in order for you to feel that 'click', where everything clicks into place and the way forward becomes clear. I personally find that at times it can be more about discovering the reasons for why things don't easily fall into place at times. I'm not sure if the following resonates in any way

• My partner of about 30 years still plays a role in where I can be on both a mental and soulful level in life. I think when we're a real 'feeler' or 'sensitive' (when we can feel or sense our challenges), it can be a life long part of our nature. My husband tends to not get a feel for or sense of where I'm at when I can be experiencing the nature of a depressing or potentially depressing challenge. And if he can't get a feel for that, how can he possibly know how to raise me or help me raise myself through that challenge? While he may offer advice on how I can manage, it's advice that relates to his nature or the nature of a lot of other people but not my nature. If I can't relate, this really doesn't help matters
• Because it's the nature of life to throw challenges our way, so that we can evolve through them in so many different ways, I appear to be someone whose 'happiness' doesn't last. Fact is I can find myself in the downward part of the cycle in the next challenge I face. The question becomes 'How the hell am I going to graduate through this one?!'. I also find that if I haven't fully met with certain challenges from the past (such as a relationship issue or self esteem issues etc), they come back around so that I can graduate through them. Trying to make sense of them can definitely feel like a form of torture at times
• Times of 'going blind' or 'going deaf' can be truly brutal and depressing. When you can easily see the way forward through your imagination, no probs. You just follow the vision all the way through to the imagined end result. But what happens when there's a blank screen or the only things you can see in your imagination are depressing? When you can easily hear the way forward or hear much needed revelations, again no probs. It's like having your own internal guide/best friend on call 24/7. When inner dialogue or inner guidance sounds like 'You know your husband's going to be of zero help. Why not go on the Beyond Blue forums?', for example, that's solid guidance. But what happens when you lose the ability to hear that kind of guidance or the only inner dialogue is coming from whatever is making life feel like a kind of hell on earth? 

Just a few revelations that have made a difference to me over the years. Numb, you could actually say 'My ability to feel or sense is not my fault but it can become a problem when I don't know exactly what it is I'm feeling or sensing (what this challenge is really all about). It can become a problem when I can't get a feel for or a sense of the best way forward. My ability to see or hear is not my fault but it can become a problem when I can't see or hear the best way forward or when I can only see or hear what tortures me. My ability to raise myself is not my fault but it can become depressing when 1)I don't know how to raise myself and 2)I have no one who's volunteering to help raise me in ways I can relate to'. 

Sometimes I think our greatest failure can involve not fully recognising our abilities and how it can truly feel when we temporarily lose them. It can feel hopeless and soul destroying, that's for sure. And while it can be easy for family members to gravitate towards a side of the family who present no challenge, I much prefer to focus on those whose deepest desire is to graduate through and beyond the challenges they face. I cannot leave someone alone who feels anchored within the depths of despair.❤️ 

[Numb]

Hello Indigo

Thank you for taking the time to reach out, much appreciated.  Apologies for delayed reply, things are a little overwhelming at present.  You come across as having great self-awareness and insight as to what ails those who suffer from mental health issues.  I feel you are of strong resolve and of good character, I admire your courage to constantly understand, to further educate yourself on what plagues the mind. 

Your well-advised suggestions to focus on the good, has resonated with me.  I am fortunate enough to be grateful for a great many things.  Though the theft of my sense of self and worth, from years of manipulation have all but destroyed my will to fight.  At my age, I cannot blame others for whom I've become, I can only try to move forward, day by day.  I was once told by someone that they don't carry 'hope' and I felt for them, as back then, that's all I was filled with.  That's all I had, 'hope' as I foolishly dedicated my life to others, at the demise of my own.  Now, I too have no 'hope' left in me.  If your offer is still open to provide the names of some books, I would be appreciative.  I do enjoy reading, as that's my solace, my refuge, a fortress in my mind I can't be hurt.  Or allow myself to be.  Once again, I wish you all the best and thank you.  Regards 

[Numb]

Thank you for your reply.  I appreciate you making the time to reach out.   You rang true with what you said.  I do enjoy painting, not very good, but I gain piece of mind, serenity in trying to paint fruit that actually look like fruit and not something out of a sci-fi movie.  :)).  I do enjoy reading also.   I agree, that 1% of relief is manageable rather than trying to tackle everything at once.  A clear mind is the door to a peaceful heart.  Take care and thank you.   Regards

[Numb]

Dear therising

Thank you for your true words of wisdom and taking the time to reach out and offer assistance.  You show a very generous and compassionate nature.  I heard what you said, and I agree, it's how we label our thoughts.  Negative words can be used as an excuse to fall back onto our swords, or we can use positive words to help boost our self-esteem and help reduce symptoms of stress or depression.  To not put myself at a disadvantage by pigeonholing how I feel, by the use of detrimental words which would further impact on my emotional state.  That's very insightful of you.  

I admit, the fight in me has all but gone, but in my own feeble way, I do in small measures, try to achieve at least one positive a day.  One day, I do hope to like the reflection that looks back at me in the mirror.   Until then, with the help of such wonderful people out there, such as your good self, I hope to replenish the 'hope' I have lost.  

Regards

[indigo22]

Hello again Numb,

I am pleased to hear from you again and I would like to share a few more thoughts with you in the hope they may spark your sense of hope again.

Years of manipulation may have taken it's toll on you, but it is never too late to start over with different values. We can only be manipulated if we allow it, this usually happens because of a lack of boundaries and I dare say you have have spent much of your life without setting the necessary boundaries in order to teach others how you expect to be treated. I was the same until I was in my 40s, when I started setting boundaries, it did not go down well with others but I no longer cared about what others wanted, I started putting my own needs first for the first time in my life and have never looked back. That is not to say that I don't care about others, it is to say that I now choose to care for myself and others in equal measure because I now know I am as deserving as anyone else. It took a long time to get there, but what matters is that I got there and will never be a 'door mat' again. The trick to setting boundaries is to ask yourself a few questions and take the time to think about them and answer them honestly. For example:

Do I want to feel this way for the rest of my life? Or do I want to live the life that I deserve?

Do I want to wake up each morning with the feeling of dread? Or do I want to wake up each morning content to see what the day will bring?

Am I willing to continue to allow myself to be manipulated by others? Or am I willing to pursue avenues to take back my sense of self and worth that has been lost over the years?

What types of things did you love when you were younger? I know we can't always turn back the clock and our bodies become less able to participate in some things, but was there something that you are perfectly capable of doing now that you loved doing then?

You said to another member, that you like to paint, that is a form of self expression that is very healing. There are also other forms of self expression that could be added to your life like music, perhaps joining a choir if you are confident using your voice, dancing is also a wonderful way to find some joy in your life. I have never been a gardener but have become passionate about my garden in the past year or so and have bought some of my favourite plants to surround myself with beauty. When I look out at my garden and see a new bloom on my Gardenia and I go out and smell it, it has a very uplifting effect on my mood and mental state purely because I am seeing and smelling something beautiful. These are just ideas you understand, only you can know what will make a difference for you, but I absolutely know there is that something for each of us that lights us up in the midst of darkness, you just need to find it.

I need to be mindful not to make this post too long as there is a limit for each post (the thread can go on for years so no limit there). So I will leave you will some authors to check out and welcome your interactions as often as you wish, know you are understood and supported here.

Gabor Mate (has about 4 books, see if one resonates with you)

Bessel van der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score (if you are not sure where to start - start here.)

Mark Wolynn - It Didn't Start With You

Peter A Levine (again, had a number of books so see what resonates)

Deb Dana - Anchored (I have added this one because it is a healthy kind of feeling anchored)

These will be a good start and I hope they help you see yourself in a different light.

You matter, never forget that,

indigo 🌹