Change for good or bad?

[T40]

Hi, I am 52 years old and experiencing peri menopause for the last four years. My grown-up Children have moved out, and I am working full time. My husband has aggressive personality and short temperedness and we are used to having little arguments now and then. I have noticed in the recent days I have become very intolerant the way he speaks to me, I’m expecting and demanding sometimes that he talks to me with caring,  softer tone and respectful way.   He is annoyed, frustrated and thinks that I am unnecessarily causing issues. Is my ego getting worse, or am I sensitive because of the hormonal changes. My job has been made redundant last week and I feel emotionally volatile and low. My behaviour is causing issues in the relationship. I am doubting if this is my ego? This change in myself is good or bad? Expecting my husband to ask instead of telling me  - expecting him to change the way he speaks to me at his age, am I wrong? Appreciate your perspective and response. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi and welcome T40,

I'm really sorry to hear about your job and also your current struggles with your husband. So, so many people describe becoming less tolerant in perimenopause, including in relation to behaviours they may have tolerated previously. I'm in the late stages of it now, but even in the early stages I remember noticing myself become more irritated or bothered by things, but also less able to tolerate people being insensitive and more likely to speak up about it when I never did before. I think you are correct, that it is not your ego but a change in hormones.

I wonder if it would help to be really open with your husband and explain that you are going through these hormonal changes? There is an online community on an app called the Balance app where women write in all the time about their experiences with their partners and describe exactly what you just have. Some of them have a husband who has even sat down with them and watched documentary programs on perimenopause and really tried to learn about it, and they work as a team with an understanding of what is going on. For other women it's more difficult and their relationship has become quite frayed. If you tried posting somewhere like that app you would definitely get some very sympathetic and understanding responses and probably some helpful advice. I have not gone through perimenopause in a relationship so I am not necessarily the best person to know the best ways of handling things, but there are women there going through very much what you are. Basically they can no longer tolerate certain things and find themselves automatically speaking up. I think that's when you know it is your hormones, because it's like there is a shift in your automatic responses.

Those are just some thoughts anyway. I have been helped by hormone medication which has lessened the more severe effects of perimenopause that I have had. It's not necessarily what's right for everyone, but it's just one option that may take the edge off feeling things so intensely. But many women also find they begin really finding their voice for the first time as they are less tolerant to not being treated with sensitivity and respect. I do think it is reasonable that you want to be spoken to in a softer, more caring tone and it might be a good thing that you find yourself communicating this now.

Anyway, take care, and hopefully maybe some others might have thoughts and ideas they can offer for support.

[therising]

Hi T40

My heart goes out to you as you face a combination of challenges and changes in your life right now. While dealing with one or two major challenges/changes can come with sense of disorientation, multiple challenges can be a whole other experience. 

While significant shifts in hormones can definitely come with side effects, the following questions along with such shifts could be something worth wondering about

• Am I developing the ability to no longer tolerate what I've been tolerating for years? Am I being called to manage what I can no longer tolerate? What does managing look like?
• Am I developing the ability to sense subtle shifts and/or major surges of energy in my body, as my body transitions into a new stage of life? What's my body asking for under these circumstances (a new diet it will love and thrive on in its transitioning state, greater levels of hydration, ways of venting energy when things gets too overwhelming or a little too hot to handle etc)?
• Am I developing the ability to sense emotions on a deeper level? Am I more able to sense what's depressing, what's stressful, what's frustrating and more? How can I develop a greater sense of what these emotions are about, where they're coming from and what they're trying to tell me? 
• Is this a time in my life where I'm developing the ability to understand that life is also about me? In the way of managing my body, my mind and even a more soulful sense of self, how am I being asked to develop and better understand me? In a life that may have been largely about being of service to others, is it time to start serving myself in a number of different ways?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask yourself the question 'Can I afford to take time out for me in between jobs or can my husband and I not afford for either one of us to take time out at this point, as we pay bills and save toward retirement?'. If you can afford it, why not do it? In this major transitional period of your life where you're leaving your current job or have already left it, the kids have moved out, your body and mind state are shifting significantly etc etc, do you feel you need time to take a breath as you step foot on a whole new section of your path in life? 

[T40]

Thank you so much. Appreciate your response. It feels good to know that I’m not doing anything wrong, and I will get the balance app.

[T40]

Thought provoking questions to really think about my needs. I am feeling better today, and I have thought about the boundaries that I need to have in our relationship. thank you.