Hi lost_echo
I feel so deeply for you as you face the mental, physical and emotional experience of re-turning or turning again toward that which challenges you so much.
Being able to feel the things which we're turning to again can come with so many challenges. As the list of questions can develop, it can feel like mental torture as opposed to us being pushed to analyse the hell out of life and ourself, so that we can connect more with what feels like heaven on earth. The questions can get pretty deep at times, that's for sure. Stuff along the lines of
- Why am I here (on this earth)?
- Why do I suffer so much at times?
- What is my purpose?
- How can I experience fulfillment of some kind?
- Why does the world appear to be so brutal and intolerable at times?
- What are all these emotions I'm experiencing and why am I experiencing them?
and the list goes on and on, the deeper we go. It's definitely far from easy, gaining all the answers or reaching all the revelations we need to reach, when we're exploring much of that alone.
I've found one of the best reasons for finding a fellow explorer can involve finding someone other than the nihilist in our head, someone other than our inner stresser, inner brutal critic, inner whatever (that tortures us). Externally, we can find people who are guides or leaders of what it is that we need to be guided towards or led to. Externally, we can find those who are visionaries or master 'feelers', people who inspire the kinds of visions we need to be seeing and those who inspire feelings we need to be feeling. They can also bring to life the parts of us we need to be hearing. When we re-turn to a life where there is no one to help us see, feel or hear in all the 'right' ways, inevitably we can only see, feel and hear what's 'wrong' much of the time. To come to our senses, as a highly sensitive person, it pays to find people who can show us how to become masters of sensing in ways that are going to serve us.
While it may not necessarily help, I heard a very different perspective on the state of the world fairly recently. This person mentioned how in order for things to change, they must first come to light or have light shed upon them (so that they become more obvious). With so much that's wrong with the world coming to light now, this is a major shifting point in the world that is preceding much needed change. So, while we can feel all that's wrong, we can also feel ourself on the verge of change at the same time. There are people working toward making some of those changes as we speak. Whether we join them or support them in some way is another story. Perhaps this points towards your calling. Maybe your calling is more of a soulful nature.
