Still here, still struggling

[MaryG]

So you think it's all going to get better...there is a goal a "something". Then you get to the other side and is it really better? I don't think so. I thought it would be better, but it's not.

[white knight]

Hi Mary,

I tend to not agree Mary. I know where you are coming from but maybe this will make some sense.

I mean, there is for me a cycle of normal mood without sadness, to extreme joviality with laughter then whammo to depression that can include anger and retreat to a cave etc.  The timescales in each mood has changed over time. Now its "as good as it gets" with minimal time in a depressive state.  This mornings episode of depression only lasted 4-6 hours....wow...thats a big improvement to the 10 days or so of depression I used to have in one episode.

But I'm still on the same island - Depression Island. Just I spend more time on the happy mountain on that island now after many years.  People with temporary depression come and go as visitors then return to the mainland.

So your dream/goal could include that you climb that mountain as often as you can and accept that depression island will always be your home.  I hope this isnt coming across as harsh.

While on top of happy mountain I can walk to creative hill, poet tops and caring peak, short story knob....some even climb hobby valley and there are many on celebrity tableland. This mountain range isnt as obvious in normal life on the mainland.

Furthermore this mountain range can be cradled, caressed and appreciated/valued almost compensating for being....still on depressive island.

Take heart Mary. We fight our demons so hard but we are such special souls, so unique and so soft. I wish I was more mentally robust....but I'm not and that's just how it is....life on Depression Island.

[geoff]

dear Mary, I have been thinking about you as we haven't heard from you for awhile.

Your train of thought has done a complete circle, and from what you have written, it seems as though you are looking at the hole again, because your mood has changed so much, from being positive to now feeling awful and dejected, so this really concerns us.

I would like for you to talk to us, you're been in this situation before, so please Mary get back to us. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Thanks white knight for putting this into perspective for me. I get what you are saying. I just get so overwhelmed at times. I look for a magic bullet and place so much hope onto it and then when it doesn't work out my fall is so great. If it was anything else like any other medical condition I would just go "it's here again...what do I need to do to minimise the impact on my life" But for some reason that doesn't seem to be so easy. I really like your analogy/metaphor (I never know which is which I need to ask my son) with the island that is so true. I struggle though to accept that this is my life now..or is that what it's like for everyone? Sorry rambling now. 

Hey Geoff, how are you? long time, no chat. Alcohol still rules my life although I have been abstinent for over 40 days. Till now that is. So weak...just can't keep away.

[geoff]

dear Mary, I know that it's always a great battle, because it's addictive, but being off it for 40 days well that's really good, but tell me how tempted you were, and I'm sure that the last 14 days were a real struggle, but all of this depends on how much you have drunk, like you have before, until you flake out. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Tempted every day. Just a lack of opportunity stopped me. Last 14 days have been no worse than the rest. I have these huge feelings of such anxiety and I know what will fix it instantly...long term not the best drug but for the first few minutes it's the best. I struggle with the idea that the alternative is just to cope. 

[Struggler]

Hi MaryG

It's been a while since you lasted posted.  How are you coping?  

Struggler