Jezz is the name; Self Sabotage is my game.

[Joe_Black1]

Hi, my name is Jezz and I have depression. Not that "Black Dog" as some describe it, I feel like it's my dark side, whispering loathing thoughts and clouding my mind from the real world.

I feel stupid even writing this. I'm in my early forties, married, family, well-paid and I can't understand how I got here. I'm no good at my job, my boss hates me and my family think I'm a joke. I have self-sabotaged every good job I ever had, and my dark side helped prevent me from pursuing those things I once called dreams.

I tried to kill myself when I was 13. My suicidal thoughts have been with me right through school, Army and now in the private sector. I have real trouble being able to relate to people - even my own family. They think I'm a joke and my kids don't have any respect or interest in me. I can't blame them. But they sure can blame me... and now my 10 year-old son has revealed to his teacher after much prodding that he wants to die.

I have never spoken of my thoughts to him, but now he's feeling this way - has he picked these thoughts up from me?? My failure is now complete.

If you've read this far - well done. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but writing this out is bringing it all up and maybe it will help.

Thanks for your time.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jezz

I am so pleased you found your way to this forum and welcome. I know it sounds trite but we are all struggling with the same illness.  Our thoughts, moods and emotions vary from each other but all have a common problem.  It's called mental illness. No one wants it, we all want to get rid of it and it impacts on our lives in an horrendous and often disastrous fashion. None of us know how we got here. It seems like a cruel trick to play on us but since we are here we help each other to manage and recover.

I am so sorry that your son feels so bad. Are you getting some help for him? I imagine that it was devastating news to hear.  The teacher is to be applauded for following through with a pupil she/he has concerns about. Now it's up to you and your family to see that he gets well again.

Why do your children think you are a joke? I hope you don't mind me asking, but is your husband around? How does he feel about your son?

My mind tells me frequently how useless and stupid I am. Despite comments from others to the contrary I used to believe no one cared about me and there are still days when I am convinced this is true. I had a reasonable career but I always thought I was a fraud. In retrospect, if I had more confidence I could have gone further but I only realised this towards the end of my working life. Your brain can be your worst enemy.

So why am I telling you this? Because thoughts about ourselves inform our actions and beliefs. The first step towards getting well is to see your GP and be completely honest about your life. Explain about about son. Believe me, your GP has heard it all before and will not judge or despise you. It is imperative that you get help as well as your son. If possible it may be useful to include your other children. You cannot be so hopeless if you are working in a well-paid job and looking after your children.

Now it seems I have given you a list of instructions and questions and no words of comfort. My interpersonal skills are not that fantastic but as I get to know myself they are getting better.  It will be the same for you. You can learn to deal with the negative thoughts and improve your social skills.  By the way, why does your boss hate you? I wonder how true this is because you are still working there. The private work sector is not renowned for its compassion.

My word allowance is almost gone.  Write in here often. Other lovely people will respond and so will I.

Take care

LING

[Princess]

Hey Jezz,

I read all your post and I wanted to say to you that I only wrote my first post (quite hesitantly) a couple of weeks ago, but now I realise it was the best thing.

Look around Jezz and read and you'll soon see that we are all going through depression .... there's heaps of us all with our own stories to tell ... you are not alone but more than that the people on this forum care and will take the time to reply.  We may not have all the answers cos we're not experts but we're all in the same 'boat' to some degree.

Would it be ok if I asked if you are having any counselling or on meds or anything?  The first thing I did when I realised I wasn't in the right frame of mind was acknowledge it to myself (you've done that by posting on here) and then I went to my GP and I now have a mental health plan, seeing a counsellor once a week but more importantly I get to share how I'm feeling on this forum.  THAT has been really good for me.

As they say, where there's life there's hope.  Don't think of yourself as a failure, parenting is a tough gig at the best of times!  We all need a little help from our friends ( sounds like a song right?) and you'll get that here, but your GP is a good place to start.

Now if you've read this far in my post ... I'll say thanks to you too ... see someone cares.

[white knight]

Hi Jezz,  Welcome here.

What if you were a large ship and you didnt realise you lost your rudder? Then after 40 years you find out your rudder was missing and they fitted a small one but large enough to seek the right direction.?

To find out WHY you are this way and get the correct 1/ diagnosis, 2/ medication 3/therapy and/or support would eventually get you that rudder.

I know this because at 58yo I found out many things at 46yo that made me realise why I was the way I was. Only then could I build my life and my younger sisters life form this information. So take heart ther eis help and its worthwhile.

Better still it will benefit your children immensely and I know you want to help them in particularly not have your problems repeat themselves in them.

So as Princess said- seek your doctors help and advice.  Read up hear on many threads on all topics to enhance your knowledge of mental illness and how to cope with it, what to expect and not to expect from family members etc.

Now. When 17 I joined the RAAF. Within 5 years I had purchased 30 cars, lost a lot of money etc.I left the RAAF at 21yo and by 30yo had 40 jobs. I was a mess, all over the place and my family suffered. I was mentally ill and didnt know it. I only found out at 46yo.  I found my rudder. A psychiatrist that gave me the right diagnosis, subsequently the right medication and life is 90% and likely will remain that level. It's good with the odd up and down.

Dont give up Jezz, your children are worth fighting this for. You are a good mum because you care, you care what your child feels and says. Be brave....seek that rudder and get pointed in the right direction...    hugs...WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Jezz

I posted a reply to you a couple of hours ago. Don't know where it has gone but sometimes replies disappear into cyber space. I will not try to recreate it as the original reply may appear.

Take care of yourself.

LING

[Choib]

Hi Jezz thank you for posting and sharing

Im glad you did, and I hope you are as well. Admitting there is a problem, a serious long term one and your concern on understanding it and outreach to try and address it is a massive step. And as youve mentioned youre ex military , a father and head of the house the sense of a thick skin and being strong makes it even more difficult, but its real strength that you got some things off your chest thats been a real burden to you and how it affects your life and those around you. 

I can tell though you are agitated and self blaming a great deal trying to take the responsibility for it, but somethings like depression or hardships growing up, focusing on the past or the hard times ahead can just build and build into something very dark. So I hope youll try to recognize and identify that you are too hard on yourself, to first maybe accept that, let some of that go and push that into making some adjustments youre seeking.

Firstly is a good diagnosis, to see your GP and get a check up and be honest with them. You may even have entitlements from your service days to utilize that may be a blessing too and worth looking into. It may be that you are depressed which is a very real clinical thing about the way brain chemistry works (or not working) in the right amounts thats deeply affecting your mood. Thats why there are options of medications to really help in hard times to stabilize and give you a chance to think clearly without all the doom and gloom taking charge.

From there well you also have other options like counselling and psychologists that can identify lifestyle issues and past problems and address them with you. I guess the point is you really dont have to do it alone, be the strong center of family and work and life and take all the pressure and fix it yourself. Helps there for a reason as is this place and not only for you to understand whats going on but something you can help your son with as well if he is showing the warning signs.

Maybe by helping yourself now you can learn from it and begin to help him too, to connect in a way he needs and you both dont have to do things alone. As someone who had problems at an early age like him I wish I had a loving dad that saw I was having real trouble beyond normal kid angst and helped. I sense you want to help him avoid your own growing up with darkness when there was no real help to be had. But its a new world, and there is hope and help at hand for those wanting.

[Joe_Black1]

Thank you to you all.

I'd never read any posts such as these replies, and the other posts on this forum before. Having done so, I am actually struggling emotionally - not so much for myself, but in sudden clarity and a feeling of no longer being alone. The words, the thoughts, the expressions you all use seem just like my own and that is somehow comforting in a sad kind of way.

I have made an appointment to speak to a counsellor through work. I get a handful of sessions to begin with, although I think I need to see my GP.

My son is booked to see the school wellbeing counsellor this week too. I hope he finds it beneficial and will one day realise his path can be far different from his father's.

To those who asked, my boss is being a pain because our company has been taken over and jobs are scarce soon. I'm told we have till early October before the axe starts to fall. In many ways I would welcome that. Maybe a chance to start over? Lord knows what I'd end up doing - perhaps a less stressful job that I actually enjoy... I could really get used to that, but the family would suffer to some degree.

Thank you all again - today is not a good day, but I feel really comforted in some way and that's not bad at all.

[Mares73]

Dear Jezz I just wanted to say you have far more courage, strength & insight than you know. Your son will always love his Dad. You are far from alone-so many of us will be by your side, sharing & supporting your journey & giving suggestions & advice along the way. Your strong spirit is going to get you through rhis. Maybe time for a new journey-and new friends who will be by your side. Take care & hold on-things can & will get better. Lve Mares x