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Jeriava How do I talk to my doctor?
  • replies: 9

I’ve been struggling with my life for the past 7-8 years but I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I feel really scared though because I don’t ever go to the doctor for anything, and I havent seen this doctor for so many years that I’m really ... View more

I’ve been struggling with my life for the past 7-8 years but I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I feel really scared though because I don’t ever go to the doctor for anything, and I havent seen this doctor for so many years that I’m really scared that they’ll judge me or won’t believe anything I say. I’m really anti social so I feel like I won’t be able to say what I wanna say or I’ll say the wrong thing causing them to just dismiss me and move me along without helping. I’m just tired of feeling alone, depressed and just worthless but I’m really scared to talk to them.

Chris_B Are you looking to support someone else with depression? PLEASE READ before posting
  • replies: 1

This forum is for people seeking support for their own mental health issues. If you're posting on behalf of someone else with a mental health issue that you're concerned about, please have a look at this section of our forums: Supporting family and f... View more

This forum is for people seeking support for their own mental health issues. If you're posting on behalf of someone else with a mental health issue that you're concerned about, please have a look at this section of our forums: Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition It's full of threads from people who have family members and friends going through anxiety, depression or other related conditions. Have a read through the threads there, and feel free to take part in the discussions. Below are also some helpful beyondblue resources you might want to look through first as well: Supporting someone Have the conversation

AGrace SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION
  • replies: 132

Hi Everyone, Here are some ideas you might like to try for managing symptoms of depression. Of course everyone's different, so let us know what works for you, and please feel free to add to the list... Mindfulness – through breathing or engaging the ... View more

Hi Everyone, Here are some ideas you might like to try for managing symptoms of depression. Of course everyone's different, so let us know what works for you, and please feel free to add to the list... Mindfulness – through breathing or engaging the 5 senses Distress Tolerance – Accepting Emotions and Self Soothing Distraction – Put the thoughts/feelings aside and come back to them when you are ready to deal with them Positive Affirmations – Have some affirmations written down repeat them to yourself daily Sleep/Exercise/Diet – All 3 aspects of our lifestyle can impact the way we think/feel Increasing Pleasurable Activities – Engage in at least one pleasurable activity per day

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Is_this_it___ i dont know what is wrong with me!!!
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this forum. I really need some sort of advice. Iv been feeling incredibly depressed for the last few months. All areas of my life are suffering and I feel like my life is pointless and out of my control. in truth... View more

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this forum. I really need some sort of advice. Iv been feeling incredibly depressed for the last few months. All areas of my life are suffering and I feel like my life is pointless and out of my control. in truth I have been feeling this way since I was in my early teens. From the moment I wake up to the second I go to bed these terrible thoughts are constantly running through my head such as your worthless, stupid, ugly etc etc etc. It just never stops. I also have no one to talk to about it, iv tried but I always get.....oh you just focus on all the negatives all the time. I don't want to be like this iv read all the self help books, tried antidepressants, exercise, counselling and at the moment im taking st johns wort. I just don't know how long I can keep fighting these feelings that life really isn't worth living. Im not suicidal for the simple fact that I couldn't do that to my sister, my fiancée and my dad but every night I go to bed and hope that I die in my sleep of natural causes. Iv survived a lot in life, my mum used to physically abuse me regularly and keep me home from school if I had visible injuries, she left when I was 9 leaving me and my younger siblings with my dad on a farm. we lived a isolated life and didn't do anything but go to school, no friends, no after school activities dad was just too busy on the farm. we all fended for ourselves and often were unsupervised for long periods at a time. my sister was sexually assaulted by an uncle when we were young and I saw it and told my parents which has resulted in huge rifts in our family. my dad had a couple of friends after my mum left who touched my sister and I innapropriatley and after barricading ourselves in our room when they were over at night with tennis racquets for protection I finally told dad which has resulted in him becoming a complete recluse and cutting out every single friend from his life. that was around 18 years ago and he still wont allow anyone into his life and I feel guilty every day my brother has attempted suicide as has my dad and I had a few attempts when I was young. not want to be around is not a new feeling for me. iv had my issues with alcohol abuse, iv been binge drinking since i was 15 and now im 33. I have recently stopped after two incidents in a short space of time a year and a half ago where i got my drink spiked and you can guess what happened next and i also got drunk another time and a taxi driver exposed himself to me and kicked me out of his taxi at 3am on the side of a freeway when i wouldn't do what he wanted and started yelling at him. I have been in three long term relationships with men i haven't loved or even liked all that much because i was so desperate not to be alone. I stayed waaay too long in these situations because i didn't want to hurt their feelings breaking up wiith them. i hate my job, im getting bullied at work and i find that i cry most days either at work or on the way home from work. after the drink spiking incident really lost it for a while. i went on antidepressants and i stopped eating because i felt like i didn't deserve food. iv always been a binge eater and my weight can go up and down 20kg quite quickly so not to eat was a huge change for me. everyone kept saying how GOOD i looked but no one once asked why i had lost all the weight or if i was ok. since the drink spiking incident i thought i had turned my life around. I went to counselling and had decided to live my life alone without any man by my side because i don't trust my judgment. everything was going well, i had a great group of friends or so i thought then slowly everything started falling apart. my best friend that i confided to about the drink spiking not only new about it, she was having an affair with the guy who did it behind her husbands back. she sat there and watched me cry and comforted me and the whole time she was betraying me. my work shut the department that i worked in and sent me to another department that is sort of a rival department to the one all my work friends work in (former friends) slowly over the last 8 months they have stopped inviting me to things or talkimg to me and a few have even gone so far as to unfriend me on facebook. Im just so lonely all the time i can go days without talking to anyone. amongst all this before everything went pear shaped i meta wonderful person and we got engaged after around 12 months of being together. I had decided to be alone and well that's when they say it happens isn't it. I love this man with all my heart and its not his fault i feel this way. No one person can ever make someone else completely happy. I want to get better for myself because im tired of feeling like a worthless waste of space but i also want to get better for him (he has no idea about how i feel about myself) because he deserves better than that. He has already had one girlfriend that killed herself and i don't want to burden him with my mental health issues but i feel like i should confess. to sum it up i hate myself, i feel sick at the thought of going to work every day, i feel too worthless to apply for another job and im just plain exhausted. i truly believe that there is something unfixable and wrong with me that makes it so hard for me to make friends or even like myself. Im tired of being lonely sad and pathetic but i don't know what to do.

Chris D Someone to talk too
  • replies: 82

I need to talk to someone. I need encouragement. Please help me.

I need to talk to someone. I need encouragement. Please help me.

Neil_1 No sign of anything getting better; perhaps only worse!
  • replies: 6

Hi thereWell, I’m in a constant state of nervousness, my depression is hellishly bad and has been for so long now. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for around 11-12 years now; but suspect that it... View more

Hi thereWell, I’m in a constant state of nervousness, my depression is hellishly bad and has been for so long now. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for around 11-12 years now; but suspect that it goes a long way further back than that. It’s just that for the last 11-12 years I’ve been on medication and have been having ‘other treatment’ (like psychiatrist visits and psychologist visits).I feel like crying but the tears won’t come. I feel like I’ve got a large coiled spring in my chest/stomach, that continually turns tighter and tighter and I just wish it would release. I’m getting angry with myself, I do keep a daily diary (have done so for some 18 years) and I’m now finding that I’m writing in it that “I hate myself”. I have a partner and two fantastic children. I don’t think I’d be here anymore if I didn’t have my two children; they’re both in their early teens. Things though have got to the point where I can’t share my downs with my partner anymore; I really don’t think she can handle hearing them anymore and to be honest, I feel somewhat abandoned, but then again, I can’t blame her, as it must be awfully hard on her as well.About the only thing I look forward to in my day is night time when I can sink a few beers and then go to sleep. Although a month or two ago, I couldn’t even look forward to that, for sleeptime at that stage just produced a lot of bad nightmares. At least they seem to have eased up somewhat.I’m on heavy medication as prescribed by my psyche and my most recent visit suggested that if I can change jobs (and not medication) that will help. While I agree with this, in this current climate, changing jobs is so much easier to write than to achieve. I also keep fit; I go to my local gym almost every day of the week – however another dot point of depression for me is with me at the moment; I have an injury, which as stopped me going to the gym. The gym, which is usually my only outlet for stress release – but at present, I can’t even work out. I’m getting close to being able to return but for over two weeks now I’ve been crawling up the wall, due to know gym sessions. I am also into running and am doing that 2-3 times per week and being careful with that, to hopefully negate any chances of being injured.I also have a poker machine addiction and that is a source of stress and worry for my partner. She hates them, and for some unknown reason, I love them. And yes, while I have had some very nice and at times very big wins, for the other times, I have probably aided our local club with extra refurbishments that they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to afford to get. That’s a fun way of saying that I’ve probably lost quite a bit of cash. But when you lose, the demons really come out to play with your mind and being depressed and losing money and I guess having the odd brew, probably isn’t the best combination. I have self excluded myself from a club that I frequented a lot in the past for one year, but I think that maybe this is something that is needing to happen again.So there it is: I have a home, a partner, two children, and animals (pets in our home), a car, a job, I’m on medication, I have regular GP appointments, as well as psyche meetings, I exercise and keep fit; and yet I have major depression, fuelled with anxiety and ptsd. And as I get older, I feel the tension and stress is getting worse. I have made major inroads into writing a book about my story (detailing out what were the initial main causes for my depression) but also I’ve listed out what I call, my balloons of depression (things that are attached to me every day that cause me stress). When I list it all out, it’s quite a list and I’ve just realised that indeed, if the balloons were real and full of helium, I’d actually be floating away as there’s so many of the mongrels!!I don’t know what to do … I now have ‘no sick leave’ available and so I “have” to turn up to work every day or the money won’t come in … ahhh money, another balloon of stress! That’s a big balloon, that is! I tried 9 months off work earlier this year; part from stress leave and part for lwop; and while away, I did feel better. Not near 100% as I don’t think I will ever get to that level again, but it certainly was better than what it is now (or what is was prior to going on stress leave).But I’m really stressed out at work. I’ve tried lots of options to get out but so far nothing has eventuated. It’s not so much the work, but the people that cause me a hell of a lot of stress. I’ve had a recent hospital visit due to chest pain … which fortunately ended in me being told that I’m fine and it was all put down to stress.Last week stress got to me so bad that I ended up self harming.It really shits me, that I have done (or am doing) all the things that they say you should, in order to help with this illness and yet, nothing seems to work. I’m hopeless, self confidence is gone, I hate myself and I can’t look forward to anything or have any thoughts of major enjoyment. I can’t remember the last time I had a really good laugh. I constantly feel like crying, but the tears won’t come. Perhaps I’ll write a song with that as the title!Where to from here? I know I tell other people to take small steps (baby steps) and perhaps that’s all I can do. But what I have in my mind each day is like living with internal torture!Neil

Jo116 Why me?
  • replies: 6

I have lived most of my life with depression, and I would like to share my story. I am 38 years old.at the age of 12 my mother walked out on my 2 brothers,sister and father. I found this traumatic as I was 'mummy's girl'.after 6 months my father deci... View more

I have lived most of my life with depression, and I would like to share my story. I am 38 years old.at the age of 12 my mother walked out on my 2 brothers,sister and father. I found this traumatic as I was 'mummy's girl'.after 6 months my father decided that my siblings were old enough to move out of home and told me to find somewhere else to live. I rebelled as a teenager and became somewhat of a troubled youth. I had noone to tell me things would be ok, no one to hold me tight when things were bad.I lived on the streets and begged for money, I even stole from people. I would go without food for days sometimes weeks. I was sick and no one was there to help me. When I was 18 I fell in love, well I thought it was love. I fell pregnant and at 6 months the physical abuse started. After another tirade from my partner when my son was 12 months old I got the courage to leave. I simply left town.It was easier than I ever imagined. Until one day my son went missing after 6 long weeks he was returned by the courts. It was a horrific feeling when he came home malnourished and covered in sores. My son and I thrived for the next 7 years.then came the next man in our life, he was great at first then I fell pregnant and the drinking started. Alcohol took over this mans life and the physical abuse started.While I was 6 months pregnant he ran me over with his car... I was a mess but my son and my unborn babies strength held me together. My daughter was born healthy and the love of my life.After all this you think that I would learn that I was able to thrive without a man in my life but I fell for another man. He didn't drink or smoke and had his children living with him, he was the greatest husband.After 12 years I found it hard to leave the house without permission I found my children were hiding all the time. They wouldn't talk to me. I found that I was trapped in this marriage without any friends and I felt that my children deserved better.I wanted out... The mental abuse was taking its toll on everyone. I wanted to go to university and received an acceptance let which my husband tore up. I was confused how could he not want me to better my career.. My husband told me to leave our new home we purchased together.. So I did.I took nothing but my car and my children. I didn't have any money nor accommodation. I found the strength to carry on with life, I moved to another town and got stuck into a 3 yr university degree.It kept me occupied as well as the kids being happy was the best feeling any mother could have. My father contacted me and told me he had cancer and I should go and visit him before his life is over. I hated this man for not being there for me. I flew to a different state to try and do the right thing. I sat with him and felt that I was able to forgive him as I was a better person and I didn't want him dieing with this hanging over his head.My sister said I should give up university to be with my dad as he was still my father. I felt hate for her, why would she want me to look after him after he left me outside in the gutter at 12 1/2. I couldn't understand her reasoning. I helped her out as much as I could but it was taking its toll.My father passed away within a couple of months, my siblings then decided I was no longer a part of their family. From this day I saw the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and needed grief counselling. I started antidepressants. So after 2 years I decided that I was lonely and wanted to fulfil the gap that was in my life. I met a man that was everything I ever wanted, until the fights started. I was never right, everything that i said was turned around and used as punishment. I would cry at least 3 times a day I was taking my antidepressants and tried my hardest to keep things together, but he decided that my mood swings were too much for him.I thought it was normal if you were happy, and then you got yelled at to get upset but he said I have bipolar. If only he was a doctor... The insults continued and started to retaliate. As I said earlier I have been going to university doing nursing and mental health is a big part of the curriculum so I figure that the issues he had with me were more his own issues and he was taking it out on me. Now he has walked out on me taking everything and leaving me in a house I cannot afford with no furniture. I still take my antidepressants and I'm not going to let this beat me, but I am broken.I have had to apologise to so many friends to make things right as I concentrated more on saving a failing relationship then keep my friends. It is hard when you don't have any family to confide in. I feel I needed to tell my story as I have so much bottled up inside that I feel just needed to vent, people don't understand what I have been through and I hope they never have to go through it.Love your family and your friends, they will always be there for you.. And find the time to talk... I still can't leave the house but it has only been a week.. Wish me luck that I can get through this awful heartache that clouds me...

Suzbj This is my story and where I come from
  • replies: 6

Hi Everyone, I have posted here a number of times but have never really introduced myself.I’m Suz and my story began when my mother committed suicide when I was five years old leaving me with a man who hated me, supposedly my father but maybe not.I r... View more

Hi Everyone, I have posted here a number of times but have never really introduced myself.I’m Suz and my story began when my mother committed suicide when I was five years old leaving me with a man who hated me, supposedly my father but maybe not.I remember back to one year old and know my mother knew that my father hated me. So how could she have left me in his care knowing how much he hated me?Having attempted suicide twice in my life; the last should have worked (I thank God now that the medics were able to save me although I was very upset at the time that I woke up to find I was still here)... so I know the mindset that comes with suicide. And that my mother would have thought her children would be better off without her as is apparent in her suicide note that I have from the inquest papers I have.My father took it out on me through physical and emotional abuse because he didn’t believe I was his child. The guilt was placed on me, whether intentional or not for my mother’s suicide and from that time onwards was a childhood of being beaten severely pretty much every day.The bruises heal, but the emotional taunting and put-downs stayed with me. That I was disgusting, just a ‘slut like my mother was’, I am worthless, lazy, a trouble-maker, and ‘No man will ever love you! They will just want to use you up because you are nothing!’My parents came to Australia in the 50’s escaping communism in Former Yugoslavia. They lived as children through World War II through horrendous experiences that breaks my heart.Ultimately, we all just do the best we can with what we have. Our stepmother was deranged and dangerous and capable of the very worst. We, or at least I, often feared for my life. She was seriously mentally ill without ever being diagnosed and very cruel.There is much that I could say, but it would take too long. Basically, I left home at 15yo, was in some dangerous and potentially homeless situations for a number of years. Was an absolute mess and basket-case. I was pregnant to my partner of the time at 19yo.My beautiful daughter was born in 1981 and I promised her the world! All the things I longed for – the whole white picket fence scenario.But I couldn’t deliver. I was so unstable and I was a single mum from the time she was five weeks old (mutual) with no support from family or anyone. There are many good things in raising my daughter. She was my whole world and I had her back.But I was agoraphobic by this time and a mess with depression/anxiety. It was very hard for her but I always supported her and none of our family had anything much to do with us – thanks in particular to one manipulative sister.Her dad always had open visitation rights and was never pressured to pay more maintenance than he wanted to – I just wanted my daughter to know her father had her back. And, in his own way, he did have her back.I resorted to fundamental religions to try and find a sense of worth which only served to exacerbate my sense of worthlessness and that I deserved punishment – even burning in hell for all eternity.My daughter was raised in that crap and I don’t blame her for hating me. When she met her husband, he did everything to make sure we were estranged. Long story. Too long to go into.I resorted to alcohol from 2001 and was seriously suicidal for every day of at least five years (lastsuicide attempt was four years ago). The first thing I woke up planning every morning, the last thing I went to bed with.The fact my mother did it to us, was a preventative. I know what it is like to pay the price.But when I lost my daughter, there was no reason to keep fighting. How wrong I was!!Resorting to alcohol resulted in my daughter wanting nothing to do with me and not allowing me contact with my grandson. I don’t blame her. I understand fully and take responsibility.I moved state four years and a half years ago and am finding myself for the first time in my life – since learning to value my life through an epiphany after attempting suicide . For the first time in my life I feel like ‘I belong’. I have made some great friends. I still feel terribly lonely at times and worthless. But it is three steps forward two steps back.So bit by bit, there is every reason to hope! My Christmas will be with a friend and I look forward to that. I am doing lots of Christmas get-togethers with other friends before they go away.Mostly, Christmas and New Year will be spent house-sitting out-of-town for a friend going overseas – looking after their dogs and chooks and ducks and geese! Priceless!!! Well, that’s a little bit about me.Take care everyone – lots of best wishes – Suz xx

Chris D Wondering about things and life
  • replies: 2

This is something that i can't even describe. No words that come close, no words that would do it justice. I don't know anymore. Fluctuates every day hr by hr, min by min, sec by sec. I don't get it. Sitting at kitchen table looking towards the east ... View more

This is something that i can't even describe. No words that come close, no words that would do it justice. I don't know anymore. Fluctuates every day hr by hr, min by min, sec by sec. I don't get it. Sitting at kitchen table looking towards the east pondering things, life in general and my own personal life. Doesn't make sense anymore have tried to make sense out of it but can't does my head in and it's already full of stuff. Wondering what else to say mind is blank. Just feel down, flat like something is missing inside have tried to fill it up but nothing has worked. Can't stop thinking about this illness. Will try my distractions that i have in place for myself. but i just don't get it. Why can't i get it. Remember everyone BE STRONG, BE DEFIANT AND STAND TALL YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Kind Regards Chris

Fideliobob "Simply Thankyou"
  • replies: 1

This insight worked for me: “Simply Thankyou” Introduction: After thirty rears of fighting depression, many psychologists and many psychiatrists and so many cycles of medication, this simple personal insight brought me home! To all those beautiful pe... View more

This insight worked for me: “Simply Thankyou” Introduction: After thirty rears of fighting depression, many psychologists and many psychiatrists and so many cycles of medication, this simple personal insight brought me home! To all those beautiful people who have suffered from depression I would like to say “Thankyou, Simply Thankyou” for doing such a wonderful job. Thankyou for being such beautiful and courageous messengers , such shining beacons! I hear you pain , I have felt your pain, and now I hear your message and I hear it loud and clear for your message is simply the pain of humanity and the way it has to live now. The way we are living now is so wrong, so wrong, there is so little human-ness left in the way we live. We need to change, and we need to change now! So now relax in the knowing of a job well done, your message has been heard, that there has never been anything wrong with you, you are simply a gifted messenger! I know that place you go to; that deepening, darkening tunnel, which you shuffle down with trembling knees, and your body full of terror and panic. I know that place you go to, where the tunnel ends, where your bare feet are on solid ground but your toes are dangling over nothingness, an empty abyss, and it is so dark and frightening. Then dimly just ahead there is a feint outline, misty at first, that slowly forms into a shape, a doorway, and it's only about five feet away. And I know that moment when you are rocking on the balls of your feet, trying to decide wether to jump or not. “ I wonder if I can leap across in one bound or shall I take a few steps back and take a running jump?” Then for some reason, you stop rocking and plant your heels firmly back on the ground, and from somewhere deep, deep inside you grab hold of something primal, something essential and you turn around facing back the way you came and take a deep breath. I thank you in this moment for choosing to return to life rather than taking the leap of death. All ahead is blackness and you squint your eyes and then dimly percieve a minute spec of light, so small you are not sure it is real at all. So you slowly retrace your steps, and that little spec of light gets bigger and bigger as you shuffle fearfully upwards. You are heading back to the light and it is your light, and it is getting brighter and brighter until it's the colour of Cornish Ice cream and you can feel it's warmth enfold you, and suddenly you are out of the tunnel, back in the gallery of life. So you take your light and sit down, and relax and look back at where you came from. The tunnel is gone, the entrance has been bricked over, then plastered over and some artists have painted a mural over the place honouring the purpose of the tunnel. You are Home, you are safe! Well done and Simply Thankyou! Namaste' Bob and Barnaby Eden. Woof.

Tess1994 I don't know who I am.
  • replies: 2

I don't even know where to start. I have always been a very anxious person. I used to have regular panic attacks before starting grade 12. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that it felt as though there was this constant weight on my chest. ... View more

I don't even know where to start. I have always been a very anxious person. I used to have regular panic attacks before starting grade 12. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that it felt as though there was this constant weight on my chest. I was diagnosed with psoriasis in grade 12. A condition that leaves my body covered in itchy spots. Being a 17 year old girl living in a society based on beauty it was difficult for me to cope with this condition. I was constantly be teased by work colleges and boys claiming that I have 'herpes all over my body'. Although I am lucky because my outbursts of psoriasis only come every couple of years, they do however last for months. During this period at the end of high school was the worst of my outbursts. It was all over my body, my face, my hair, arms, legs. Everywhere. I stopped socialising with people. I didn't leave my bed all day and I didn't exercise. My friends stopped trying to make me go places with them. I gained weight and this just added to the upset at my appearance. My years of thriving with the opposite sex and being an out-spoken confident girl had stopped. I was so unhappy with my body that I refused to go to parties with friends and consequently lost these friends. I felt so alone. The pressure of a hard degree at uni and the pressure of pleasing my family is constantly weighing me down. I feel like i can't escape from this. Sometimes I just sit at home and cry for hours. As well as this body and academic pressure I have come to question my sexuality. I have this plan for life - good job, husband and kids. That has always been my plan but recently I have come to think that this will not happen for me. I can't talk to my friends about this because I have always pretended to be happy in front of them. None of them know how much I really hate myself. The only person I can talk to is my mum and I hate weighing her down with my problems when she already has her own. I am not pleased with my life and I am always questioning myself as a person. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I have no defining talents. I looked at the symptoms of depression and I think I am struggling with it. I don't know what to do? Who do i talk to? Am i even depressed?

bug35 Feeling trapped
  • replies: 4

I've been living with depression most of my life and it seems at this point it is at its worst.Have been on antidepressants for 20 years. Started having trouble coping with work, a job that was an uncomfortable working environment but was holding it ... View more

I've been living with depression most of my life and it seems at this point it is at its worst.Have been on antidepressants for 20 years. Started having trouble coping with work, a job that was an uncomfortable working environment but was holding it down purely to survive.I saw the GP and was put on a SNRI antidepressant and instructed to keep taking my original SSRI antidepressant.Lasted 3 days and could not handle the side effects.Then tried another SSRI antidepressant, was instructed to stop the original SSRI antidepressant after starting this. Lasted for 1 month on this new one and was getting lots of fatigue, was having trouble staying up after work to do the things I enjoy, if I went to bed early I would wake up feeling worse from over sleeping and frustrated from losing relaxing time. Just seemed to be working and sleeping.Started to take days off work here and there. Then Decided I had enough of meds and stopped the medication, was sick of living in a foggy state of mind and experiencing fatigue all the time, thought a break from meds would help. Managed to get to day 46 and the withdrawal symptoms seemed to be gone, but my depression worsened and I was taking even more days off work. Was referred to a psychologist. In desperation I saw the GP again and was put on a starter dose of another SSRI antidepressant, even on this small dose the side effects were horrible, could not handle it at all. Was starting to have episodes at work where I would feel light headed, could not make decisions and had to sit down for long periods of time, these could have been anxiety attacks. I have since left the job as I couldn't cope with it, of course there are going to be problems with paying the bills soon, which is making me worse. Have been seeing a psychiatrist and been put back onto my original SSRI antidepressant gradually, 25mg for 4 days, 50mg for 3 days, now am on 100mg and have been instructed to go up to 200mg after 7 days.The idea of being put on this one again was the fact that its the most neutral with the least side effects for me. The psychologist has tried to help me avoid thinking traps and to try and get a proper sleep routine. But I can't seem to get one.Whats happening now is I cannot stay up a full day, or find things to fill the day as all the things I used to enjoy do nothing for me. Or I get these attacks where I go light headed with strong fatigue/depression/anxiety/fear and cannot stand to be awake. Have tried over the past 2 weeks: walking daily, eating regularly, taking vitamins, trying to keep myself busy but this gloom keeps coming back and making me shut down.I did have one day there where I stayed up for a full day doing things, but then had trouble sleeping. Since that day my "awake" hours have been reduced down again, more each day, had to take a nap only a few hours after being awake but the last two days I have slept for the majority of the day as a way to escape this horrible feeling. Today I got up early and really did have a good shot at it, went for a decent walk, and did some stuff around the house but after just 4 hours of being awake the fatigue and light headed feeling came back. Decided to lay down for an hour but stayed down for 2 hours. When I woke up I was supposed to go and see family but had another one of these attacks and had to lay down again after about 15 minutes.Have since slept for another 4 hours waking up approx every hour, not being able to get up. Fear is a big factor with these attacks, I get scared of facing the day and even more scared when the attacks happen. I just want to be able to stay up for a normal day, have a regular sleeping pattern and be motivated again like I used to be. Have been depressed before but never this bad, this is horrible.In the past 2 weeks I have had suicidal thoughts most days, but don't have the guts to do it. Feel trapped in this depressive void. I really feel like I'm sinking into a black hole, desperately trying to claw my way out but nothing is working.I try and try again but just keep sinking back down. Just had some dinner as I know I have to eat, now have a headache and just don't see the point in doing anything. The only thing I do look forward to is going to sleep again as its not painful like being awake. Am at a loss on what else to do.

MattJ Not Waving, Drowning
  • replies: 11

Hello. I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stop... View more

Hello. I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stopped working. On top of this, I though being unfaithful to my wife of 13 years would help, unfortunately, all that's done is end my marriage. I'm no good at maintaining any relationships, as such I have no friends (and as of 7 hours ago, no wife) to talk to. It's too difficult to talk to work colleagues about my mental health due to the stigma this attaches to you. To try something different, I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask advice regarding psychiatric treatment. Previous therapy has also indicated presence of alexithymia so I don't know if this has complicated any other therapies in the past. All this has come to a climax today, and I don't feel anything. No anger, no anxiety, no remorse, no shame, nothing. Just a void of emotion in a listless existence. The only good part of the story is that the void has created a calm spot to tread water for a moment - unfortunately, I'm to far out to sea to make it back to shore. Most definitely drowning, not waving.