Sorry

[Imagine]

I want to say sorry for disappearing after my recent post. I am most grateful for the support and good advice I was given but did not respond to. I've had a terrible shock and am now very sick with a flare up of my autoimmune disease from the stress. My ex husband is OK but....

He (we have been living apart for 6 months) came to our house, and while I was out, attempted suicide. He was finally found by the police in hospital. He had called an ambulance. I spent most of the week at the hospital with him as he kept asking for me. I was literally spoon feeding him and helping him to walk.

Now I am home, with a massive flare up of my illness and heartbroken again as despite having to deal with his suicide attempt, I am only a friend. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who treats me as he does, and my head is too sensible to let him come back even if he wanted to, but my heart is shattered. I'm angry he has hurt me again. His depression is not my responsibility anymore and he has already hurt me so much. He should not have left me to deal with it all.

My life is a nightmare as it is. I'm in constant pain, have seizures that prevent me from driving and despite working 2 days a week, I am scrounging a living well below the poverty line. I chafe against the restrictions of my pathetic little life. I am only 43 and I am reduced to reading, knitting and watching TV in the endless days and nights when my beloved family and friends are out living their own lives and I hate it. I don't want to be a burden on them so I mostly keep it to myself but I am profoundly miserable. Sometimes I even struggle to do something as simple as make a cup of tea (scalded myself when I passed out pouring water from the kettle the other night).

I have tried to help myself, to find positives, reaching out to friends, working for charities etc but it's not enough.

I have spoken to psychs and counsellors and am taking 3 antidepressants.

Nothing helps and all I get told is to keep on going. I won't suicide. I can't bring myself to hurt my family but I desperately want out of this life. I feel so trapped.

I am trying so hard... but I am so over it all. Thanks for "listening"

[AGrace]

Hi imagine, 

I'm not sure that I've seen any of your earlier posts, but I'm glad you've chosen to reach out to us again.

That's a terrible and frightening ordeal that you've recently been through. I can only imagine what it must have felt like, looking after your ex when you have your own issues to deal with.

It sounds like your ex needs some help of his own, and hopefully being in hospital he will be referred to get some ongoing support. You're right in saying he's no longer your responsibility. Does he have access to your home when you're not there? It might be a good idea to put some really clear boundaries in place so this doesn't happen again. 

In terms of your autoimmune illness, what kind of treatment options are available for you? Having seizures and passing out along with constant pain would be too much for anyone to deal with. Are you seeing a specialist for help with this? It's a separate issue to your mental illness but I can imagine that it's contributing to depression and anxiety. 

I hear you are taking 3 antidepressants, does your medication need to be reviewed?  Are you also taking mood stabilisers to help with anxiousness? It sounds like you've sought the help of Psychologists and counsellors in the past, are you still seeing someone? Even if just to regularly talk with about your thoughts and feelings. 

With regards to work, it seems you struggle to do more than part time work. Are you also receiving a disability pension? Are there jobs you can do that don't require too much commitment? For instance turning your knitting into paid work? Or doing cleaning or mystery shopping where you can be flexible with your hours? Financial difficulties can be a huge strain on us so its worthwhile making sure you've explored all your options.

Whether you respond or not, we are always here to listen and hopefully provide as much support as possible.

AGrace

[hopless_amp_helpless]

Hi Imagine,

I also haven't read your earlier posts but it sounds like you've been through the most traumatic experience with your ex husband and I can't even begin to imagine what that's like for you.

I'm glad to hear you won't let him back into your life since he has hurt you, good on you for being so strong!

I know you said you don't want to be a burden on your family and friends but it sounds like you are a very loving and close family so maybe your kids (?) are old enough to understand how you are feeling and will want to help.

I'm sure if they knew how you were really feeling, they would want to do everything they can to help you.

Perhaps they would even do some activities with you that you are able to participate in. I know you are very restricted with your illness but even if you had a games night with your family once a week or a movie night where the whole family was together, at least you would get some time to interact with others.

If they drive, maybe they could take you out somewhere for a picnic.

It sounds to me like you feel very isolated but I think it's a positive sign that you sought some volunteer work

I'm relieved to hear you don't have

thoughts of suicide. I was the opposite. I thought my family and friends (the few I had) would be better off without me....Now I see what my suicide attempt did to my mum and how scared she was and I would never do that to her again.

I'm not sure if you enjoy reading and knitting or if it's just something to do but have you thought of joining a book club or knitting club?

I'm no expert or anything but I think meeting people will be of great benefit to you.

 

Take care ~ Kylz

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Imagine, 

Apologies for not bieng around, I had my own black hole to get sucked into.

You have been through such an ordeal. I just can't imagine how you have been able to get through your ex's crisis. What is clear is that you have such a big heart and have been giving so much, to help him through this time. I only wish you had someone to care for you the same way. 

Why do we continue? I ask myself the same thing. I don't know. I wish I had a happier answer to give. I am trying to find that answer myself. If I find a clue, I'll let you know. 

GA