I was almost getting better...

[DocMuffin]

I've really been trying. I did everything I was told to do but somehow it still feels like I'm plagued by the overwhelming shadow of badluck. I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that it is just the way I feel and that the 'badluck' isn't actually real. However.. it's becoming a lot more difficult to rationalise that to myself as of late.

I guess my back story is that I'm a victim of childhood neglect and have had depression for as long as I can remember. I do not have a supportive family and really want nothing to do with them. For the first time in my 18yrs + of depression I sought the help of a doctor. I got a mental care plan etc etc. A month ago, my psychologist went into surgery and is on somewhat of an indefinite hiatus. The anti-depressants (in my opinion) have absolutely not effect. But back to my sudden string of confounding badluck... I missed my psychiatrists appointment due to sleeping through several alarms; a first for me. Sleep is something that has eluded me for the good part of at least 10 years and is a constant struggle to figure it out. I.e. I can fall asleep but my sleep is really poor quality, my nights are filled with dreams that don't quite allow me any peace. When people say "it was such a good sleep" or "I feel so refreshed after that sleep"

I have no idea what that feeling is like and I crave it so badly. No matter how hard I try, my sleep always falls out of patterns, my life becomes less active and I end up spending the majority of my time in my bed. I hate the constant fatigue, the unquenchable feeling of wanting to be asleep hoping it will rejuvenate my mind after awakening.
I planned on doing tai chi to help the anxiety to calm my mind; didn't happen due to mixing up the times. Missed a psychiatrists appointment due to a phenomena foreign to me; failing to study for an exam I have in a week due to such an inactive regime. I feel like I just need a break. For everyone to get off my back, let me laze around for a few weeks. Let me figure out my own mind; however this 'badluck' is making it all the worse. Not to mention the financial woes it keeps impacting upon me. I'm 22, yet I feel as though I have the troubles of one twice my age and experience. I don't even know who or what I am anymore. The suicidal thoughts were kept at bay thanks to the antidepressants, however that gate has since been destroyed and I'm intoxicated  with new ways to end it all. I need some advice. Thanks

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[White_Rose]

Dear Doc

I'm glad you came to BB for support and told us your story. So many people here have stories similar to yours and can relate to you. So welcome to the community.

Your story is a little confused but I would say this reflects your mindset at the moment. I understand you are at uni. Is this correct? What are you studying? Is it too late to take this semester off? I know there is a cut off date for this. So it may reduce the pressure on you to have a little time off. One thing to bear in mind though. Studying gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. What are you going to replace it with?

You are seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. Does the psychiatrist or your GP prescribe your ADs? If you feel they are not effective, please go and talk to them about this.  It is really important that your health care team find an effective medication for you because it can be such a help. It's unfortunate that your psychologist is off-line at the moment, especially if you have a good relationship with him/her. I know I have always felt a little lost when the psych is on holiday.

Re your poor sleeping. This is also something to talk to your doctor about. I do not manage well with sleeping tablets so my GP prescribed anti-histamine tablets. They work very well. So well in fact that I can only take a quarter of a pill every night otherwise I am dopey all day. Just a thought.

Dreaming is a way of allowing us to get the events of the day in order. Dreams that you have just before you wake up are different. They are telling you something about your life. It may be a good exercise to try and work out the meaning. Perhaps your psychiatrist can help here.

Also on sleep, do you get any exercise? It has all sorts of benefits for mental health as well as physical health.  I do it because I need to and it's taken me a while to get used to it and longer to start enjoying it. I go to an exercise class where I can talk to others which makes it more enjoyable. Exercising on my own is a failure. May I suggest you get into some sort of exercise routine?  One 20 minute walk a day I was told was fine.

I suspect your bad luck is a result of your general confusion with life. Oversleeping and missing appointments is common. Take heart from this. You were able to sleep for a good length of time. Sleep problems should be investigated. It may be due solely to your depression but there could also be a medical problem. It's worthwhile to check it out.

I will write another post later

LING

[DocMuffin]

Hi LING

Well as part of my course I actually have the rest of the year off. This will be my last exam until next year as I failed a practical exam due to; sudden previously not experienced  heights of anxiety. That may in turn become difficult to deal with because my stigma is that I have very high expectations of myself, but I suppose I'll deal with that eventually.
You are spot on, I often feel lost when I don't have study to do. Semester breaks always drive my depression to bad places. If you have any advice for things to fill in my days; that would be beyond wonderful. I couldn't begin to express my gratitude.
I do exercise regularly and eat healthy. Exercise and physical activity is the one time I do feel alright.

They are still trying to figure out my sleep problems, unfortunately I keep getting told that these things simply take time, trial and error. I've expressed my desire to do an overnight sleep study and it is something that will hopefully take place soon. I have only been on the AD's since about May, so I don't think it has quite been 3 months yet which is when they decide whether or not they are helping from my understanding.

Thanks

[White_Rose]

Dear Doc

So glad you are getting on top of some of your difficulties. Sleep deprivation can be a huge problem and will certainly impact on your mental health if it goes on too long. A sleep study sounds good so I hope it happens soon.

Good that you are eating well and exercising.

I have quite a number of activities. I have several volunteer roles in the community as I feel strongly about social justice. Do you live in a town/city or the country? Opportunities vary depending on where you live. Volunteers Australia is a good place to start or look at your local community board and see what services are being offered. You could offer to help in an area that interests you.  This will also bring you into contact with other people which is good for you.

At home I meditate. I find this helps to keep me grounded and helps to manage the turmoil in my life. I also paint, but don't look for my name in lights. It's an opportunity to put your worries and fears on paper and also to celebrate the good things. While I am painting I forget everything else

Do you write at all? Poetry or prose! There is some great poetry written on this site. What about researching something that interests you. Historical data, how to make something, some philosophical question. What about an organisation such as Toastmasters? I was part of that organisation for many years and had a great deal of enjoyment and fun.

Someone on this site suggested keeping a list of all your achievements. I started a list and was surprised how many there were. I expect you are saying that's it's no good doing that because you have no achievements. Well think about it.

1. Learned to drive?
2. Asked for help with your difficulties? This is a major achievement. Some people try to battle on by themselves and rarely make it.
3. Keep your home clean and tidy? Huge when you are feeling unwell.
4. Girl friend? Not necessarily now but at some time.
5. Pet? If not, what about a cat or dog? Even a goldfish.
6. Learned some work skills?
7. Skateboarding? Similar activity?
8. Not acting on your suicidal thoughts.
9. School achievements?

These are all achievements and I am sure you can think of more. Set up a list on your computer and add to the achievements every time you remember something or achieve something new.

Depression is a horrible place to be and although medication can help it's not the full story. We all battle "the Black Dog" daily and some days we manage better than others. Keep writing in here and we will help as much as possible.

Warm Regards

LING

[AGrace]

Hi Doc,

Welcome to the forums. It appears that LING has shared some incredible advice with you. 

Perhaps have a look at the time you are making your appointments (ie instead of mornings try afternoons). I find if I group things together it means I get to get everything I have to do out of the way and then I can reward myself with some mindfulness, meditation, a bath, or some rest.

I had major issues with sleep. It started off with no sleep at all, then I ended up falling asleep alright but I couldn't stay asleep for more than 3 hours. after that I couldn't get to sleep and when I finally did I'd sleep through all my alarms and wake up late. I ended up taking prescribed sleeping tablets which helped, and in addition I started taking a mood stabiliser (AKA Antipsychotic) at night. This helped with my nightmares, sleep, anxiety, and general feelings of anger. When you see your Psychiatrist next have a really good chat about medication options. Also have a look at sleep hygiene. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, avoiding naps during the day, preparing for bed with a bath, herbal tea or warm milk, low lighting, avoiding technology, caffeine, and sugar an hour before bed, reading a book, only using your bed for sleep at night, getting out of bed if you wake up and wait 20mins before trying to get back to sleep again. 

I also wonder if it's worthwhile having your diagnosis reviewed? You mentioned that you started off with symptoms of depression, then you noticed symptoms of anxiety, and a lack of sense of self, along with suicidal ideations. It is possible that there may be an overarching condition that's causing these symptoms. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety for so many years and last year finally with Borderline Personality Disorder. Recieving my diagnosis and finding out about the condition made me feel like "oh, so that's why I feel like this."

It's great that you're exercising and eating well, and that you're looking at ways to keep active. Include some me time where you can just lie down and read or watch a comedy without feeling guilty. You also mentioned that the structure of study is useful, so structuring your days could be a good idea. In terms of activities I started a thread called "Suggestions for Inexpensive Activities" see link below, you might like to add to it.

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/recovery-and-staying-well/suggestions...

Kind Regards

AG

[White_Rose]

Hi Doc and AG

Some fantastic ideas about sleep from AG. I would not have thought about many of these. One in particular I have found vital. Only go to bed to sleep, not to read or watch TV etc. It's a (relatively) easy way to get your brain and body used to doing things in the right place.

One other way to get back to sleep, courtesy of my GP. Try to reread a book. Not by reading the hard book but by remembering it chapter by chapter. What happened next, in the correct order. Or retell an activity you did or something similar. But you must go through each detail in order, not just flashes of parts of the event. It concentrates the mind, stops other thoughts and lets the body rest.

AG is right about structure and rewards. I have to get dressed in the morning before I do any of the things I enjoy. It's too easy to slop about in night clothes and being dressed feels so much better. Making the effort is worth while.

You mentioned your high self-expectations. Welcome to the club. One of the recurring problems many people experience is not being satisfied with our actions. For some reason we are convinced that we must be perfect. I have spent years struggling with this. Finally I am begining to realise that I am not a perfect human. I would like to be, but so far I know no one who is perfect. Try to ask yourself what is reasonable and why you should reach a higher level of perfection than everyone else. This is not laziness or a cop-out. It is realistic.

I noticed as I was writing the last three sentences that I was getting anxious. So I still have a way to go. Do the best you can without beating yourself up. Forgive yourself.

Regards

LING