Son 30 years of age won't see a doctor

[Guest_59807641]

I have a son who is about 30 years of age and has been depressed pretty much since he was 16.  He has seen a psychologist and given up.  It seems perfectly clear from my reading that he needs antidepressant drugs but absolutely refuses to see a GP.  He is extremely intelligent and I am at my wits end trying to get him to do so.  He knows he is wasting his life but says it's already too late.  Talking of sunk cost fallacy and talking has no effect on him despite his intelligence and otherwise impeccable logic.  Any suggestions on how I can get him to a GP greatly appreciated.  (And no, he won't do telemedicine). Can one email or text a GP?

[melodica]

Hello,

I can hear how much you care about your son. At 30, you cannot legally force him to see a GP unless he is an immediate risk to himself or others.

It may help to explore what sits beneath his refusal. Is it shame, fear of medication, past negative experiences, or a belief that nothing will change? Sometimes reframing the conversation towards one specific symptom, such as sleep or fatigue, feels less overwhelming than talking about depression as a whole. You can  acknowledge his sense that it is “too late” without agreeing with it. 

If he becomes unsafe, contact your state mental health triage service for advice. In the meantime, consider support for yourself through services such as SANE Australia or Carers Australia. You cannot force change, but you can keep the door open and remind him that support is there when he is ready.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to such a beautiful and deeply caring parent.

I'm wondering whether approaching things from a different angle other than that of depression specifically could be a different way to go. I'm wondering whether your son struggles greatly with the feelings and challenges that can come with depressing low energy levels. The question 'Would you consider an anti depressant as a form of energy stimulant?' could be perhaps more relatable for him. 'Would you consider the possible difference a stimulant could make in your life?' could be a follow up question. 

With dozens and dozens of different underlying reasons for depression, another consideration could involve getting him to wonder about now investigating the possible underlying reasons for feeling a depressing lack of energy (chemical or otherwise). So, it becomes less about depression itself and more about leading him to wonder about the symptoms he's feeling or experiencing.

As a 55yo gal who's faced the ins and outs of depressions since my late teens, based on my own experience I can say there have been a whole variety of different reasons for periods in depression. Whether it's involved a depressing level of sleep apnea, a serious and depressing lack of vitamin B12, a depressing lack of a more soulful sense of self, a depressing lack of what gives us humans plenty of energy (the right types of foods, hydration, exercises, social excitement etc), a depressing sense of loss or grief, a depressing set of beliefs or inner dialogue, the list goes on. Feeling the side effects of something at depressing levels definitely warrants investigation in one way or another. Whether the turn about (to be able to feel more excited and alive again) comes in the form of a chemical stimulant or something else, the ultimate goals involve investigation and change for the better.

While I still face periods in depression in life (each for good reason), facing long term depression for me really started with me on the brink at around 16. I came out of that depression at 35. Looking back, it really does get to the point where we can start to accept, in a deeply depressing way, 'This is my lot. This is who I am and this is who I will always be. So, what's the point in looking forward to anything different?'. After being in it for so long, it's hard to imagine anything different. That defeatist attitude can come from years of torment, where depression kinda gets the better of you. How to 'come back to life' or feel life having come back into you is worth every bit of investigation. To get your son to wonder about having basic blood tests done (involving B12 levels, iron, thyroid function etc) would be one way to get him to start investigating his chemical energy levels. Of course, that would require a visit to the GP.🙂

[ViolettaZ]

Hi there,

It's really tough when you see a loved one struggling, especially when they are resistant to seeking help. Your concern is so clear, and it's understandable you're feeling this way after trying so hard to support your son.

It’s also understandable why he might resist the idea of antidepressants. Medication can be difficult to deal with, it can come with some side effects, and if the first one doesn’t work, there's the possibility of needing to try different meds. This process can make someone feel like a "guinea pig," constantly switching meds, which can understandably create a lot of resistance. It’s important to acknowledge that this uncertainty and fear of side effects might be one of the reasons he’s hesitant to take that step.

Additionally, it could be helpful to ask your son more about why he stopped seeing his psychologist. It could be that there was something about that experience that didn't feel right, or maybe something happened during therapy that made him feel like it wasn't working. Asking open-ended questions about his past experience might help you understand where he's coming from, and perhaps open up the conversation for finding a better approach.

At the same time, it’s important to respect his autonomy. He needs to feel like he is in control of his treatment. You might gently remind him that he doesn’t have to make any decisions right away but let him know you’re there to support him in whatever he chooses. For example, you could say:

I know things have been really tough for you for a long time, and I’m really concerned. I understand if you’re feeling hesitant about medication，these things can be hard, especially when they don’t always work right away. But I just want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what decision you make. I can help you explore options, whether it’s finding a different therapist or seeing if medication could be useful, but only if you feel ready. It's okay to feel unsure.

Ultimately, your son needs to make the decision that feels right for him, and the best thing you can do is offer your unconditional support, no matter which path he chooses. Letting him know that you're there for him throughout this process without pushing too hard,which could make it easier for him to take the first step.

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ