So much is wrong and I don't know how to sort it out

[Lost_Body]

Hi, this is hard. I don’t know where to start or even how to explain where I am in my world. I have been told I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I have been told I have depression; I am sitting here crying so I probably do. I have been taking anti-depressants for 20+ years. I am married to the man of my dreams; we have been together for many years. My second marriage, his first. We are both in our late 50’s. I am not about to take a long walk off a short cliff, but I am really wondering if all this pain and heaviness I am feeling will ever get better. About 4 or so years ago I started to feel like this again and it got a bit out of control and I knew I had to reach out so I saw a Dr and got a mental health plan done. It took me forever to find a psychologist or counsellor who matched my requirements. No one was taking new patients (post pandemic). I ended up just taking anyone who could see me, as I had been trying to book in for a couple of weeks. Even taking a random person I still had to wait about 6 weeks. This person ended up doing more damage to me mentally, triggering me in ways I just had to quit her services immediately. So now here I am. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so bad for all the things that are wrong in our home. We don’t have the liquid income we used to. My work has reduced my hours from 5 days to 4 days per week. I am also doing less driving for work so the $'s from klm's have disappeared too. My physical health is concerning me. Everything seems to be going wrong. I have no besties that I can talk to about this. My work is WFH, my adult daughters don’t need my crap, they are both damaged from my first marriage and the treatment from their father. I am all alone and I don’t want to burden my husband with this as he doesn’t need the troubles from inside my head either. He has his own issues with work and trying to make ends meet. I am just so lost, sad, lonely and really need to feel normal, better and enjoy life, smile and know I am not a lost hope.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Lost_Body,

I’m so sorry to hear of the tough time you are going through. I don’t know if this is relevant, but I’m 49 and hit the worst depression and anxiety of my life in the past couple of years and couldn’t initially understand how I’d reached a new level of terrible. Then it dawned on me hormones may have something to do with it, and I’m just wondering about you too being in your 50s? When I went on menopausal hormone therapy meds there was an obvious transformation. The meds still have to be tweaked and I’m dealing with a major side effect of severe histamine intolerance (not everyone gets this), but at least I have sourced the severity and strangeness of these particularly bad symptoms. I have complex PTSD so mental health symptoms are to be expected. It’s just that they were at a whole other level that had gone out of control. You could try visiting a hormone specialist doctor to look into this, as regular GPs often don’t know much at all or have very outdated information and ideas.

That may not resonate or be associated, but thought I’d mention just in case. I greatly empathise regarding the bad therapist as the first person I saw a number of years ago acted highly unprofessionally and did significant damage to me. I did eventually find a really good psychologist two years ago. So it is possible. I think you really need to listen to your intuition and only work with someone who feels right. For me that even meant going with a therapist who is in a different state and doing sessions by Telehealth. It has actually worked out fine that way and has made a big difference. Doing your own research to source a person who is likely to gel with you often seems to be necessary and it can mean trying a few people to get the right one. I went through this process which can be disheartening for a while, but in the end it worked out.

It is great you have reached out here for support and I hope you feel welcome and feel free to post whenever you feel the need for support. There are all the various helplines too, such as Beyond Blue and Lifeline. I have called them when I’ve felt really alone and just needed someone to talk to. Are there any interests or hobbies that help you to feel better? Sometimes I find if I can at least absorb myself in something I love doing it’s a distraction and changes my neural pathways for a while which is a good thing.

Take good care 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I completely forgot to mention the Blue Knot Foundation who could be really helpful for you because of your childhood abuse. They specialise in Complex PTSD including childhood sexual abuse. I have called their support line a number of times and they are really helpful when you need to feel some safety and stabilisation with another human. Their phone number is 1300 657 380, every day from 9am - 5pm eastern states time. They will talk for up to 45 minutes once a week. Some days they can only do 30 minutes if busy.

I just thought if you feel you have no one to talk to they may be really good and understanding and may be able to direct you to some resources too. I’m sorry I didn’t think of that before. My brain is not working so well at the moment. Take good care and know there are supports out there,

ER