Cycles of down

[Shosh]

Hi. I am a senior (old and washed up). At present I am in a situation that is totally new to me. From 9 to 40 I had managed to keep the lid on my secret - married, had 8 children and outwardly was a positive, happy person. However the chink in my armor was discovered and exposed and that was the beginning of the first downward spiral. I relied on my faith and my friends (who have absolutely no idea what I am dealing with) to get me through. It's pretty easy when you are well-versed in denial. (I deserve an Oscar for my acting abilities!) However, about 10 years ago I was hit with a really intense bout of depression and thus began 8 years of full-on counselling with a sexual assault counsellor. She gave me so much to work with and even though I have never felt victorious I did feel like I was armed with enough stuff that I could should be able to come through anything. At one point I attended a group therapy session and it had a seriously adverse affect on me. Every other person in the group was in one way or another moving forward but I really felt like I was the dunce of the class - no positive growth, just the downward spiral.

Fast forward to 3 months ago and here I am, back in another vicious downward spiral only this time there are a couple of added ingredients - I am sure that this must be what I deserve. I have no idea what triggered the depression - but it was something to do with my experience as a 9 yr old. I have a great GP but at the moment all he knows is that I am not in a good place. 

At this point in time I am so tired that I can't even get it together to piece together my thoughts to talk with him. I feel like I deserve to be where I am - I have a  GP who is willing to listen and help, but I don't know how to say what I want to, and add to that the fact that there really is not much that can be done to get me through. I am a waste of people's time, space and energy. 

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi welcome

This Whiteknight has hidden chinks in his armour, a tear fell as evidence while reading your story. Men like me feel so sad when other men do evil things to anyone. I'm an ex Prison officer so I know why I feel this way as well.

We Community Champions are people with mental health issues, well enough to be capable of supporting members like you with lived experiences that gives us knowledge of how we survived and bloomed - eventually. 

So this "bottling" up of what occurred to you at such a young age has been horrific yet you got through it to give birth 8 times which is a incredible achievement. But in hindsight I suppose it was natural the memories would come home to roost and plummet your life as it has. Your group therapy session, no one could have predicted that it would end up a trigger, exposing your secret to a crowd which can work for some but not you. That's only apparent AFTER the event. Such personal boundaries can only be overcome with experiencing them. Same with me at 21yo joining a prison for work when I was hugely sensitive and yes that effected me.

Some topics you mentioned is out of my depth where professional help is more appropriate but in general depression often has its similarities among sufferers. The cycle you describe is one of those and we all hope that the cycle doesnt return and it does, meaning we have to seek ongoing treatment and refuse to accept that it has finally vanished. Depression is often here to stay. So what can we do?

Acknowledging that permanency of the cycle is to prepare for it and wait for the cycle to move on, that is the point you inject motivation. Here is the thread on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

As a mother of 8 plus your issues of depression - worry would likely be a trait. Do you worry?. I was a worrier but I no longer do. Here is information on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

With your group therapy you exposed yourself to strangers. People in general can be challenging in that they can be toxic, manipulative and so on. For those reasons I distanced myself from them including stopping all contact even with some family members that I dont regret. If that is a problem you face then this might help-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

You had been so confident yet that confidence has waned and that along with these cycles, possible anxiety (common with depression) has caused your drop of aura for living. This can be reversed so feeling down now can be overcome.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/motivation-search-and-rescue-it/td-p/38279

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/clear-the-road-i-m-on-my-way/td-p/102218

The links above, you only need to read the 1st post of each. 

We are open 24/7/365. If you reply you then only need to wait until we log back on and we'll see your post and answer you. So anytime you feel down even the middle of the night it might help to type your feelings.

"we havent lived in happiness until we watch a flower bloom from start to finish, the bees collect nectar and hand land on our shoulder...."

TonyWK

[Shosh]

Hi.

Thanks for your reply. I find it interesting, but at the same time, I don't know how to apply it to myself. 

My cycles of down are getting longer and darker and at the moment I actually feel like I am just poised - waiting for what seems inevitable. I am obese and because of physical limitations the only exercise I can do is swimming. Love swimming but when I am doing laps I am not doing it because I care about myself - I am doing it for more selfish reasons than to 'get fitter' or 'feel better' - that is not going to happen. I am just treading water and watching and waiting. I am expecting that the next couple of months will be hugely important in determining which direction I take. So much has happened to me that I think it is amazing that I am even still here, but one thing that has happened in recent months has pushed me to where I have never been before. I am not being hysterical or drama-queenish about my situation - just have this coldness that what will be, will be. It is all I deserve and I am okay with that. I am not even sure why I am bothering to type this, but I am grateful for your concern.