Hi, I don't really know where to begin, I am new to this sort of thing.
I am miserable, I have no friends, my family have disowned me and
everyone I ever get close to gives up on me. I get it, I can be pretty
depressing, I can't help it, I just share...
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Hi, I don't really know where to begin, I am new to this sort of thing.
I am miserable, I have no friends, my family have disowned me and
everyone I ever get close to gives up on me. I get it, I can be pretty
depressing, I can't help it, I just share too much sometimes and I find
it really really hard to be happy and cheerful. As I am writing this,
I'm pretty sure I've just lost someone else, my partner won't return my
texts or calls, he always does and I have a feeling that it's happening
all over again. A bit about me, I'm 38 years old and have been moving
around most of my life, I have never really settled anywhere. I find it
near impossible to make friends, I don't really get people and they
don't really get me. I have been hurt more times than I'd like to admit
and I'm at the point now where I don't even bother anymore. I can't take
anymore pain. I have gained nearly 30 kilos in just over a year since my
surgery and I hate myself for it. I'm transgender and in deep stealth,
not even my partner knows. I can't tell anyone as being open about it
has cost me nearly everything, and as much as people are more accepting
these days it's just a hell of a lot easier to keep it a secret, the
hate is real. Problem is I'm constantly afraid that that secret will
come out and that fear coupled with the loneliness is driving me crazy.
I cry pretty much everyday, I get crippling migraines and thoughts of
just pulling the plug. Any medical professional I try and explain things
to doesn't care and doesn't understand. I have tried antidepressants and
they did nothing. I don't want to die but my life seems pointless, no
one will miss me when I'm gone. As I am writing this, I realize how
pathetic I must seem and I should be doing this that or the other. I
have tried many things but the problem is I just don't see the point,
all I want is someone to love and for someone to love me and I can't see
that ever happening, I have been tossed aside, ignored, abused and
abandoned my whole life, how am I supposed to believe that I am worthy
of love. I don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess I just had to
get it out. All I know is I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm
finding it hard to go to work or to even think straight. I'm under a lot
of financial stress, I can't afford therapy and honestly I've tried it
in the past and nothing has changed. I need someone that cares about me
and the reality is that no one does and why should they. Sorry for being
so depressing.