So lonely even when not alone

[Cake]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a decade now. I'm 32, live my partner of 7 years and my cat. But I feel so alone and it feels like I'm going to keep feeling this way for the rest of my life.

I'm a very emotional person and get stressed and cry really easily. My partner is the complete opposite - nothing really phases him. He doesn't get stressed and rarely gets upset. He has very little emotional intelligence and doesn't know how to react when I'm upset. He has no idea what to say so will say nothing, and will try to provide a bit of physical comfort but just doesn't provide the kind of comfort and response I want, need and expect. I've tried to tell him multiple times what I want from him in these situations but it seems he's just not capable of it.

I have no one else I can confide in and talk to. My family have never been the type to go deep and I just can't talk to them, and they live interstate anyway. I have no real friends and haven't for about 10 years. My partner is the only person I have to talk to, and because he doesn't provide any real comfort, I end up feeling worse after confiding in him. It's the loneliest feeling confiding in the person you're closest to and getting little to no response. And then I think about how he will always be like this, therefore I will always be feeling like this. I have a lifetime ahead of me of feeling alone.

I'm still feeling the grief of losing my 21yo cat, my best friend, 4 years ago. Before, I'd had the comfort that no matter what happened, she was always there, loving me unconditionally. Now I've lost that comfort. 

I fight a battle with my head every day. I have the ability to think logically, but then there's what I call this monster also in my head that takes over. The monster will put all these negative thoughts in my head. It's exhausting trying to fight him off. I'm a perfectionist. I want to do things right and be liked. So I can get really stressed about making decisions and making sure I do and say the right thing, and any mistake I make will be replayed in my head over and over again. I'm very shy and lacking confidence. I don't like social situations because I get anxious about what to say and did I say the right thing, and what do they think of me. I never feel good enough.

I'm so exhausted of having to lift myself up after every breakdown. Of having to try and fight off the voice screaming in my head. I'm so exhausted. I want it to stop. I want to not feel lonely. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Cake,

I think one of the challenges being a sensitive person is finding others who are like us who understand what it is like. I am a sensitive person too and have certainly felt alone a great deal. I have 3 friends who are very gentle, sensitive people like myself but unfortunately live some distance away in the city while I am in a regional town. But I do keep in contact with them and see them in person occasionally. Their friendships make a difference because we are all able to be open and vulnerable with one another and there is a real genuineness and care there which definitely has helped me feel a bit less isolated. I still don't tell them every detail of every challenge I have, but they are like a consistent presence of people I feel safe with.

So I'm just wondering about the possibility for you of reaching out somehow to possible sources of connection with others similar to yourself? I wonder if there is a common interest group you could join, maybe based around a hobby, or something like one of the Meetup groups which is an online platform but where you can either do in-person or online meets. I've seen Meetup groups before around things such as introversion, shyness and social anxiety - so groups that are for people who are sensitive. It may or may not be fruitful, but just trying to think of some options. It just sounds like you need an outlet other than your partner where you can be with people who have your level of sensitivity. Sometimes in life we need a variety of people to engage with and inspire us along the way.

Another thing is working with a good therapist. When you are a sensitive person, finding the right therapist for you is particularly important. But if you do find someone you connect and work well with, it is often the beginning of being really heard and understood by another person which in itself can be very healing. Often through that trust it then becomes easier to engage with the wider world and feel less alone. I think that's how things have started to work for me since I found a really good psychologist in 2022. I think what a therapist can help you with too are those things you describe such as the anxiety about saying and doing the right thing. I've had that anxiety too, but since working with my current psychologist I have become more at peace with myself than previously and I'm also much kinder to myself.

Those are just some thoughts. I understand how draining and exhausting it can be feeling stressed and overwhelmed easily and being a sensitive person. There is quite a good book I read called "Sensitive is the New Strong" by Anita Moorjani in case that is any help.

In any case, sending you a big hug and happy to chat further if you want to.

Eagle Ray

[Bella78]

Good evening,

I am touched by your post.

I completely understand your situation and how you feel. I won't lie and say I know exactly how you feel.

I was diagnosed with Melancholic depression decades ago, and kind of went through a similar situation to yours. Unfortunately, some people can understand and some don’t, which is ok. What I did, I kept things to myself or walked away but that’s my choice.

What's important is that you are safe and ok. I am happy to connect with you and assist as much as I can as I can.

I studied psychology to understand my diagnosis, and recognize symptoms and the dos and dont’s. I encourage you to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to offload and heal.

You are the only one that can take care of YOU.

Have a beautiful evening.

I look forward to your response.