Hi Val,
I hope you are feeling a little better today.
The best way I can describe what I think you are going through is 'lost in a sea of conflicting emotions without a life jacket or a compass'. It is really difficult to live with all the baggage we carry around with us, and we mostly do it because we don't know how to unburden ourselves.
I had a session with my psychologist today and she gave me a daily written exercise which I will share with you as I think it will help. Where I say 3 things, if 3 is more than you can handle, start with 1 and work your way up to 3 when you feel ready to ok.
Each morning part 1: Write in your journal 3 things you appreciate or feel grateful for.
Reflect on each: Feel what emotions arise in relation to what you have named, and try to pinpoint where you feel the sensation in your body.
For example: it may be a particularly beautiful clear blue sky that you are appreciating or grateful for. When you look at it, what emotion does it evoke in you (name the emotion) and where do you feel that emotion in your body, is it in your chest, throat, belly etc.
Each morning part 2: Write down 3 things you intend to do that day. This can be whatever you feel you would like to prioritise for yourself, self care, cleaning, socialising, doing something creative etc.
Evening part 1: Write down 3 things that went well today.
Reflect: what was it about what happened that went well and how did it make you feel.
Evening part 2: Write down 3 things that did not go well.
Break it down: Why didn't it go well? What could you do differently the next time?
To answer your question about my diagnosis. It is no big deal at all. I took my Social Workers advice and went to my GP and told them I believed I was dealing with major depression. I explained how I was feeling and answered their questions and at the end of that, they agreed that I was dealing with major depression and I was given a script for medication. In my case I decided to try medication, but you can say no if you don't feel comfortable with the idea. The medication makes it easier for me to deal with the depression but I had to try out 3 before I found the right one that worked for me. I have been on the same one for about 18 years now and the side effects are barely noticeable with this one. The first one left me feeling spaced out and I would stare into space most of the time - that was not how it should work. The second one was not doing much of anything - so that one was dropped. So if you do decide to try medication, be sure to feed your experience with it back to your doctor. I later had an assessment done by a psychiatrist (which was necessary for something I was trying to do at the time) and they confirmed the major depression along with dysthymia.
Because I was already seeing the social worker, the GP didn't need to arrange counselling. There is a mental health package they can set up for you in order to get counselling. It may take some trial and error finding the right person you feel comfortable with but it is worth the effort. On the other hand, you may find the right person first time around. If you can find someone who includes somatic therapy as well as talk therapy, all the better.
I think what you were referring to as feeling hypnotised is possibly dissociation which can be a protective mechanism when we are feeling overwhelmed. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all this today.
Let me know if you have other questions and I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.
indigo
