sick of it all: diary of a bad day

[strangebrew]

After 20 years I am over all of this.  

I am sick of feeling suicidal 3-4 times a week.

I am sick of being on addictive medications.

 I am sick of being unable to cope without medications.

I am sick of feeling like I have to leave situations where other people are around.

I am sick of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.

I am sick of the panic attacks and feeling like I am going to die.

I am sick of spending 12 years working on getting in control of Depression and Anxiety and not only failing to get control, but getting worse.

 I am sick of the lack of support in the medical system.  

Every day feels the same, pushing my way through, doing whatever I can to get through it and collapse at the end of the day

So tired, so exhausted, so frustrated, so angry. This is never going to go away. This is my life.

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[iamsotired]

Dear Strangebrew

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary and having such a wonderful and supportive partner.

However, I do realise that you can have all these wonderful aspects of life but still be drowning.

Enjoy the positive and take care

[strangebrew]

I know I cant expect to not be in a mindset like I was 4 days ago. It can happen at any time. Its something I continue to fear. But I survived it and survived countless similar days as we all have. The clouds will always be there I think. but I want to enjoy the rays of sunshine that poke through from time to time. The bad days feel like the end of the world but a good day is worth its weight in gold.

[Neil_1]

Hi Strangebrew

Your posts resonate with me so much.  It's amazingly similar ... but I did want to say that I'm so pleased by your latest post.

The dark days feel and seem like hell and they also feel like you're not going to come out of them.  You trudge along with a gloomy outlook and no doubt a scowl kind of locked on your face.  And everything is so difficult ... and you know, it's times like these also for example, if you drop a piece of toast or bread, it will always fall buttered side down, or your reach into the dishwasher to remove some cutlery and the sharp knife will be there and pierce your skin.  Just two examples of when you're down, minor little things will always happen. Ok, the knife wasn't all that little I guess, but I hope you know what I mean.

I also hope that you had a lovely wedding anniversary and congratulations to you both.

Kind regards

Neil