Self medicating - help please

[Guest_3712]

Hi Guys

I have spent a lot of time on line the last couple of days as I am having a bad time. it is raining and I always find the rain makes me worse. I have been reading lots of your posts and have responded to some when I think I have something to offer. I was disappointed in the outcome of my appointment last Thursday, not to mention embarrassed and all my grand 'plans' seem unattainable- again!

.The truth is I need some help. I need to know is there anyone out there that shares my problem. I continue to self medicate despite being admitted to hospital several times for detox, and then finally getting off my opiates after an infusion in August.I know the dangers, I know I am not fooling myself with my reasons, most of which I don't get anyway.

  I told my psych I wanted to get off and although he knows everything about me he still says my drug use isn't the main problem , my depression is. He says the dosage of my meds isn't too high and he would rather I stay on AD and I can ween off my anxiety meds if I want.The thing is I don't know if I really want to . I say I do but I'm pretty quick to reach for a pill if I'm in pain, feeling down or as is today it is raining! What the ???

  I can't help feeling that the meds give me some level of control. I feel less anxious and usually very calm and out of it. I know I will never get my life back on track until I can give up these drugs but I am really struggling. I keep as busy as I can doing various things, but I know I am again addicted and I am really scared I will have to go back into hospital. 

 My husband would be devastated if this happened. I am only slowly regaining his trust after the last admission.    Is there anyone going through this? Please let me know

Stressless

[JessF]

Stressless when you say you are self mediacting, do you mean you are taking the meds you have been prescribed, or more than you're supposed to take, or self medicating with something else like alcohol?

[Guest_3712]

Hi JessF,

Sorry I wasn't clear about my problem. I abuse my prescription meds. Since I came off the opiates I had been on for over 8 years, I am now addicted to my anxiety meds .

I take more than prescribed and take them all at once rather than spread out.

I sometimes drink alcohol if I'm feeling particularly reckless.

It is pathetic I know. I never thought I would be a drug addict

but here I am

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless;

I'm sorry I haven't been on here much today, I'm just doing things really tough at the moment and when that happens, I usually clam up.  But I know that you're in a bad way also so here I am.

In no way are you a drug addict.  That term relates to a far different group of people;  well, that's just my opinion.

It's not pathetic ... you're doing this to ease your suffering, your internal mental hell that you're going through.  I am a bit concerned though when you say that you take more than the prescribed, etc ... and take them all at once.  I feel dumb, but I feel concerned for asking this ... as in, there's no way you could overdose from these, could you?

Please please take care Stressless,

Neil

[Neil_1]

ps:  i LOVE the sunshine and I really LOVE rain.  We have a tin roof and for me, there's no more magical sound in the world than to listen to rain on the roof.

The days that bring me down are the days when it's cloudy ... and it won't rain and you can't see the sun.

pss:  we've had one drop of rain for this year, only a few days ago and it lasted all of an hour and then it was gawn.

[Guest_3712]

Hey Neil,

sorry to hear you've been down today- is it anything specific ?

 I don't mean to be selfish but at times I tend to panic. Some of my past experiences come back to me exaggerated 10 fold I'm sure when I'm having bad moments. I appreciate your comments about being a drug addict but the one thing they made very clear in hospital was an addiction is an addiction and one is no better/ worse than the other.

I can remember looking around the group and wondering how the hell did this happen to me? In the beginning it was the physical pain. I was in agony 24/7. After a while though I found the benefits extended to some inner peace as well.

And now.....................? I don't know, I keep so many secrets, Writing on this site is one of them, My husband would be dismissive at best and irate / angry at worst if I knew I was still ' entertaining' my dark periods instead of putting it behind me.

As far as the meds go Neil, yes they are potent enough to od on and I try and be mindful of how many I am taking.

I know what you're saying about the rain, and there have been times I too have enjoyed listening to  it. At the moment it's like a melancholia for me and it just makes me sad.

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless,

It’s something specific and then again, it’s not.  I have drafted a post for how I’m coping (or not) at the moment but am deliberating on whether to send it.  I know I’ve got so much support on this site, as everyone has, but honestly, I’ve got these issues and other people really don’t want to hear about them … everyone is battling with their own demons and if I posted, then it would just add another burning branch to the bonfire.

Stressless, no way are you being selfish … and to panic is something we as humans do … but I think also in the animal kingdom, there are episodes of panic there as well, so don’t feel bad or isolated because of this. 

You know, we have this illness and that’s exactly what it does … it ramps things up in our minds and makes things bigger and much worse than they are … but to us it’s real and it’s how it is.  That’s why this is so horrible – because our minds are controlling us and there’s often so little we can do to get out of this massive rut.

 This one’s a short one Stressless. I do hope that you’re going a little better at this stage … just a “little”.

Cheers

Neil

[JessF]

Neil I think you should post it. This place is like coming together to have a virtual cuppa and everyone chips in with their bits of advice while dunking the biscuit. Let the rest of us do some biscuit dunking while you offload once in a while.  You can help others and get help at the same time. 

[gibby3794]

neil i agree with jess in thinking you should post as you are on this website helping others and it would not be adding another branch to the fire i have found it has helped me just by reading everyone else's stories and knowing there are other people out there suffering like i am 

[Guest_3712]

Hey Neil,

Sorry I did post sooner but it has disappeared.

I agree with Jess- we need some biscuit dunking so deliberate no more- please share.

When you share you give us all the opportunity to focus on something other than our own problems-  I will now appeal to your generous forgiving nature and say, "please don't take that away".

I thank you for your feedback as usual and will take on board. I'm not sure I'm as noble as you make me sound though

feel better

Stressless11