Scared to be Honest

[Guest_3712]

Hi all

tomorrow is my long awaited psych appointment and to say I am anxious is like saying it's just a tad warm!

OMG. I have been reading all your posts and find myself 1/ in awe of your inspiring messages and 2/ feeling crap that I complain about my petty issues.

So I thought I would run my plan of attack by you. I have set myself a list of goals I want to achieve this year, e.g stop meds lose weight,. accept my depression, etc I am going to ask my psych to help of course and the only condition is no emotional talk. Ok I know that sounds stupid but I am telling you I am so full of conflicting emotions all the time I can't cope.

Once we get started on the whys I just lose it. I don't know if I will ever really deal with my issues, but at least if I don't talk about them I can somehow muddle through. I just need to be told what to do and I will do it. Just get me from A to B. Is that too hard?

Believe me if I go to doc tomorrow and talk to him like I've been talking to you guys, he will lock me up and throw away the key!

In fact if I was completely honest I don't think I've ever told him everything that I've been feeling, for exactly that reason. I am scared to be completely honest about my feelings in case I get locked up again. That's why this site is a good release. Sometimes you just have to have a rant and get it out there without thoughts of reprisals. ( in fairness I had an extensive history and gave plenty of reasons to admit me) .

So I will try and focus now and maybe add to my list ( number 55)

cheers

Stressless

[Jo3]

Hi Stressless

I just want to wish you well with your appt tomorrow with your psych.  It's good that you have a plan, goals for this year.  That is really good.

Wishing you well, you can do it.

Take care, hope to hear how it went

Jo 

[Guest_3712]

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for your reply. I know you are going through a lot yourself. I actually wanted to send you a reply to your earlier post but I was feeling totally out of it and I didn't think I would help you at all. Now I have the opportunity I will tell you I think you are very unselfish and caring to spend so much time talking to others and offering support.

When I am feeling bad I tend to get very selfish and introverted and not want to talk to anyone. It's not that I don't care I just can't think what to say to someone when I can't even help my self. I sometimes think this is it for me now. My chance at a normal life was taken when I started stuffing pills in my mouth. I don't know. My questions for shrink I guess . Oh wait I forgot I wasn't going to get emotional- yeah right!

Jo take care and post back if you feel like it

Stressless

[Jo3]

Hey Stressless,

Thanks for your kind words.  I think I use this forum to talk to others who have depression or any mental illness and to reply back with supportive words of hope.  I know that I am still struggling but with this forum i think i am helping others and myself.

Hope things go okay today with your appt.

Take care, hope to chat again

Jo

[giggles]

HI Stressless

Well sounds all too familiar to me and kinda sucks that we are even put in the situation of fear to be honest.

If I was listening to you I would not put you away because of my experience with the emotions so I hope your Phys is useful in some way for you.

Its interesting how you want to be told what to do but I wondered do you really because that has been what my experience has been about just the opposite.

I do not want to have anyone tell me what or how to be because that is expecting to be like them. Got a few choice words for that one.

I bet you are really talented in some area and just have not had the opportunity to express yourself as the true you.All those uglies(I call them) just get in the way of our goodies.

It has taken me years to understand me and how I work and I believe everyone is here to do the same but unfortunately we have this condition that if not managed within our ability gets all the attention and ourselves get none.

I get the over analyzing of emotion and have often wondered whether we should be asking how can we accept an event in our lives instead of trying to have a concrete reason or answer. Idealistic I know but still works for me and has helped me move on from stuff.

So all the best and good on you for making a plan and I hope some good comes from your meeting.Good you can be honest here though.Phew.....I reckon its all just a game at the end of the day.I wonder what it is like for the professions when they make their decisions based on what they observe.I never had a profession I clicked with and properly never will because I am far too strong willed and love it.

Giggles

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

It must be closing in on the time for your appointment.  The old human body eh, filled with a wonderment and strange concoctions of different emotions that just overtake us at times and it’s hard to work out why.  Feeling anxious for an upcoming appointment that in all likelihood will be a positive experience … somewhat draining and exhausting at times, but all the while, it should always be moving forward to find positives.  Like you Stressless, I have these feelings as well before such appointments, but I think once I’m in there, I’m usually ok … I think.

No-one on this site has petty issues … no-one has bigger issues that anyone else … we’re all fighting our own problems, demons, monsters and the like, but please don’t ever think that your own situation is less than what others are.  You’re battling damn hard to try and eradicate this illness and at times it seems really difficult and hard, but Stressless you still keep fighting and you’re not giving up.

I really think your plan is great … and it’s awesome that you’ve got some suggestions going, but as I’ve said to others, it’s great to have ‘big’ plans/goals, but try and definitely make some smaller goals as well, so you can tick those off on the way. 

One of my fave things to do here is to now introduce an analogy to better define what I mean.  Say if there’s a decent sized hill that you’d like to climb;  sure it does have a rough road that winds its way up to the top and it does look steep in some sections, but you say, I’m going to climb that hill.  And so you set out and try, but you get about a quarter of the way or even a bit further, but just through sheer exhaustion and perhaps for the fact that you took off too fast, you have no alternative but to turn back.

BUT, if you have the plan to say, yes, I’m going to get to the top of that, but I’m going to do it by ‘such and such a date’ and I won’t beat myself up if I don’t make it until that date, because in the meantime, you’re going to make littler goals … it might take you 5 or 6 attempts to build up your strength, power and fitness, etc … but with each of those attempts you say:  Ok, I’m going to make it to “that particular tree” and then the next time, I’m going to make it to that big rock, and then there might be another tree, etc etc. 

So with each journey, you not only (a) tick off and complete that mini goal you set for yourself, but (b) you’ve also advanced further up the hill than you’d ever been before, and (c) in doing so, you’ve become stronger, physically and mentally because you’ve created challenges for yourself and you’ve won. So then on the day that you know you will get to the top, you can climb and you can give yourself a pat on the back each time you passed an earlier goal … and then you finally make it to the top … and the feeling of euphoria is unbelievable.  You stand upright and strong and above all else, so incredibly proud of yourself … small goals completed on the way to reaching the big goal that you’d written out for yourself. 

So much went into that, the planning, the perserverance, and the intestinal fortitude and determination to keep pushing yourself to achieve what looked like the unachievable so long ago.

Um Stressless, wow, I got a bit carried away there … but I hope the analogy helped to serve you something useful to take away with you. And like Jo, am also keen to hear how you got on at your appointment.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hi All,

Tough day and it's really late so I will catch up with you tomorrow

Stressless

[geoff]

dear Stressless, well today is here and I hope that you re -read these posts again, because these are your backup, and whatever happens you know that you can come back on here to vent.

I am not being pessimistic here, because that would just create more nerves than before, however to climb a mountain is certainly tough going with plenty of stops, plenty of thoughts running through your mind, 'what if or why not, or can I', these will still happen and they still do this for me, but now I can think all these dilemmas through, sure I make mistakes, but that's part of our learning.

You know it's just as hard to walk down hill, because if we feel as though we have overcome depression, we gain pace down hill, and we pick up speed in enjoyment, but then it's easy to fall over and tumble, not necessarily by choice, but it can happen, so it's slow both ways.

I know that you don't want to become too emotional, but how can you tell a child to stop laughing when it's not appropriate, virtually impossible, so take the session slowly and if you feel comfortable about talking then let it flow.

No one will put you into hospital if have some sort of logic, they will instinctively realise that you can confront these issues, and that's either way.

Can't wait until you reply back, because you know that you have confidence here on this site, where nothing is laid to rest.

Good luck. Geoff.

[Guest_3712]

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all your positive thoughts and comments. Sorry I have taken so long to reply. Yes Geoff  I have re-read all of your posts and without trying to be dramatic I feel unworthy of your support.

I am so full of it. I can't believe after all this time I thought I could just waltz in there, say all good now , so can I stop the meds and move on??  OMG!  The day started ok but I have a 90 min drive now since we moved to see psych, and it was so hot I was quiet distressed by the time I got there.

My doc has lots of great qualities but being on time is not one of them.  After waiting 45 min I had a splitting headache , and was becoming more anxious as I went over all my scenarios. Realizing I 'd left my 'master plan' at home, the tell tale twitches and shakes kicked in and before I could try and breathe through it I was having a full blown panic attack> SO much for not getting to emotional !!!

As doc comes out calling my name I'm scaping myself off the floor. To his credit he didn't raise an eyebrow when I finally settled(, another 30 min and a cup of tea later) and said  "I want get off my meds and not talk about anything emotional". Seriously?? It even sounded pathetic to me. Before long I was howling like a baby- this time because in his kind and gentle way he had somehow got me talking, despite my earlier protests.

He listened to my 'plan' to just not visit anything painful anymore and just move on.. he sat quietly as I rattled off all my reasons for stopping meds and standing on my own two feet. He then explained that he would standby me no matter what. He had no objection to tapering off meds, but suggested I stay on the AD for a while. As far as pretending things never happened he said I had come too far to put my head in the sand and that one day I would be able to look at stuff and not feel as much pain.

I told him of how bad I was feeling, my abuse of my meds just to get by, and the frustration and self loathing I felt every day. Again I stopped short of telling him those really dark , oppressive thoughts. However He knows me well enough to know how my thought process works and we have been down this road before regretfully.

 Will these demons as he calls them ever leave me alone. I try to be strong and not give in but time after time.........My doc reminded me to call him if I needed to and it took all my self control not to hold onto to his ankles and not let go !

Anyway I am going to try and cutback on some of the meds I'm using to just dull things. I am going to try and get up and dust myself off and put one foot in front of the other- I don't know where.

It was a long trip home as I wanted to be safe driving, not so much for me but other drivers. I deliberately emptied my mind and just focussed on getting home, the result being I was fairly out of it when I got home and then had to summon my 'happy face' to convince hubby all was well. I know this scenario if familiar to you all. I feel very flat and have lost some of my earlier enthusiasm to change yet again.

God I hate myself for whining

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

Wow, thank you so much for sending your post and as comprehensively as you did.  Hey and don't be down on yourself for whining.  I sometime enjoy a good wine ... usually a white, a kind of sav blanc is ok.  🙂

After somewhat of an iffy start, that session sounded like you came away with a good result and positives out of it.  And you got to have a good let down of emotion as well, which is always a good thing.  Sure it may not seem it at the time, but to do it is like pressing a release valve and hopefully some tension is emptied out of your system.

He sounds like an excellent psych who does know you and your background so well.  That is a huge positive to have.  I did smile at your comment about you wanting to hold onto his ankles and not let him go.  I can't think of it now, but it reminded me of some cartoon I used to watch ... perhaps Looney Tunes (pardon the pun on this particular site) where someone was going to leave and the other character dived onto the floor and held on their ankles;  ahhh distant memories.

That was a huge day for you, especially with the drive to AND from ... and the from part, after you had the session, they are exhausting enough, but then to drive.  More power to you Stressless for that achievement.  No wonder you felt flat afterwards.

Please stay with us and let us know how you're going with the med reduction ... it's good to hear that he's going to keep you on your dosage of AD, and as you would be aware, just take the reduction process slowly and monitor your condition for any signs of things not being quite right or out of the ordinary.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  that was an awfully positive step up towards the peak of the mountain for you.  Congratulations.  🙂