Hi I feel washed out. Feel so incredibly tired. Yet I think that I get
an appropriate amount of sleep. I do dream every night and they range
from some being ok ones to some not so flash ones. Last night was one of
the not so flash ones! But this cycl...
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Hi I feel washed out. Feel so incredibly tired. Yet I think that I get
an appropriate amount of sleep. I do dream every night and they range
from some being ok ones to some not so flash ones. Last night was one of
the not so flash ones! But this cycle just continues on and I’m sick of
this. The conveyor belt of life … on and on it goes, chug chug chug
along … the same mundane, boring, monotonous journey, punctuated by the
odd injury here and there. And you know what else … I sit for the most
part with a scowl or sorrow etched on my face. It’s amazing, I can’t
cry, but I can’t laugh either. I used to be able too. (Oh crap, I
finished this message and was going to send, but started to re-read the
damn thing and have started to add more stuff! I’ll send this thing
now!) I don’t know what it is … I still go to the gym 5 days a week and
the other two days I still do some kind of exercise, which is always of
a late arve and I amazingly have energy and enthusiasm for that. My
mornings of late are becoming a major struggle. I do get up and get out
of bed each day (yes, I know that’s a positive) and I do get to work.
I’m having less sick days than I used to during late last year; but
that’s only because my sick day credits are quite low. I feel like I’m
whining to you all and I HATE that. I’m just so sick of all this. My
eyes just want to close and I think my body wants to do the same thing.
I’m getting worse as time goes by … and all I feel is that by me being
this way it HAS to affect my family – my beloved kids and I don’t want
them to see me like this and I don’t want them to possibly fall foul of
this evil rotten disease. I go to my GP and he’s really caring, but at
the end of it, he just asks, “What would you like me to do?” I go to my
psychiatrist and at the end he says, “The best thing we can do is to get
you a different or a new job.” (But that’s so much easier said than done
… the current job climate where I am is ‘below zero’ and little sign of
it thawing out for a while yet. So if one has a job, one has to hold
onto it in order to get paid. The dreaded money curse again. But I had 9
months off last year and I’m back here again and it’s just doing my head
in – the other people here – I think I’ve now developed some sort of
phobia about them. It’s not everyone – there’s just five of them – and
they’re as cliquey a group as you can get … but it’s their voices that
irritate me, their bangles that slap against the desk when they type …
and they bag people out … mostly men and mostly their other halves. Oh
jeez, listen to me … whinge whinge, ***** *****!) Not good Neil. I do
have my psychologist appointment coming up – don’t know if I’ve
mentioned this before, but can you believe it; of all the days it has to
be on, it’s on the day at coincides with the day that I couldn’t save my
brother and I lost him – lost him forever and from there, the family
commenced its demise … due to yours truly. But then again, as I’ve
written before, my brother’s anniversary - 13th Feb - and Dad’s
anniversary (what a stupid name association that is for the day that
someone dies) – they don’t actually make me feel sadder – because I
grieve for them everyday. It’s a bit like the old Valentine’s Day
syndrome … people go nutso because of a particular date and buy flowers,
roses, presents etc … just because of a stupid date – why can’t you buy
flowers, roses, presents, etc on ANY day during the year? People have
become so … sheep like I think. I guess this is where I differ … at
least I’m not sheep like. My partner knows never to expect anything on
Valentine’s Day, cause I go against the trend and I buy flowers, etc at
different times throughout the year. Much better that way … far more
special … as it comes as a massive surprise as opposed to something they
are going to expect. Oh shite – this was just meant to be a small post
just to get some feelings down and to send it off, but I have this
stupid thing in my brain that I cannot ever seem to post a short
message. I don’t know why, although I think I do … it’s a feeling of
insecurity. I’m insecure about everything about myself – it’s a
weakness. All the time while typing this, I have very close to falling
asleep and it’s what, 8:40am. That’s it I guess … well actually, that’s
not it … there’s so much more, I’ve barely touched the surface there,
but for the moment, that’s it. Neil ps: thanx for reading, and special
kudos if you got all the way through.
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