Self hate

[caroline_]

I've had a negative view of myself since I was a child. I assumed everyone hated me, and I always hated myself. Now I find it hard to believe people when they tell me nice things. At my last session my counsellor said that when I’m stressed, depressed and anxious I revert back to what I knew as a child, what I believed about myself. She also said that I could have had PTSD from being bullied, but I don't know about that. 

Anyway, what I'm getting at... I have this final assignment and I'm having so much trouble completing it because I need to write about how I've fulfilled graduate teaching standards throughout my studies, which basically means I have to talk myself up and write about how amazing I am... but I can't because I don't believe it. I go into panic thinking about it because I feel like such a fraud. How can I do this? How do people learn to even like themselves and believe in themselves? Because I just can't no matter what anyone says. 

[S_A_D_]

Use that as your premise in your assignment. Write about how you have all this doubt and anxiety, and have had these feelings for a long time, and yet despite these feelings you have achieved this. You've reached the summit of an educational mountain with both your hands and feet bound behind you, and dragging a boulder, the entire time you've been climbing and you couldn't have ever reached this point without an immeasurable degree of guts and dedication. With all that has been holding you back, you've made it to the final assignment.

Tell your story. Tell them how hard you fought to get here. Explain how there were hurdles to jump with the boulder on your back, the Black Dog nipping at your heels the entire way up, and how it must be a miracle for you to even be in this position of having to write this assignment. 

Tell them you have defied the odds, tell them about your childhood, tell them how anyone else would have rolled over and given up, but you persisted. Tell them that graduating from your course is insufficient. Tell them you deserve to be in the Hall of Fame after what you've been through. Tell them you deserve compensation and recognition for efforts that soldiers receive medals and ceremonies for. Tell them how small your chances of survival were under those conditions, and that by your sheer will and determination alone you are here to tell this story, and that they should be honoured just to be given permission to read it. You could title it:

TOP SECRET. EYES ONLY.

[geoff]

dear Caroline, this is a difficult post to answer, especially as you have had a negative view of yourself from an early age, in which case no positive affirmation can't be taken.

Lets look at it this way when I was doing year 12, hell that was a long time ago, in the english exam we had to do about the same, and like you I had no idea of what to write, so what I thought of was about a superman show, in those days they lasted only 30 min. I believe, so I wrote what he had done to help anyone, although I had taken out the parts where ' he broke through walls of steel', 'broken and bent the metal rods of steel around the crooks', and then let my imagination build onto the rest of the show.

It had nothing to do about me, but who was to know, and I passed in flying colours.

Before I started I thought hell, and looked around the massive hall, and a lot of other kids aged 17 or 18 had the pencil scratching their heads.

Good luck. L Geoff. x

[caroline_]

Thanks for your replies, but... I don't feel like this has helped at all. Facetious: I can't write about my mental health issues in an academic portfolio intended for my future employers. Geoff: I don't really understand your advice.

I think that this forum isn't really the place for me. I do appreciate the responses I have received since posting. I just feel frustrated. I also feel guilty for not being able to reply to other people's stories... I guess I'll just stick to blogging. 

(p.s. I'm seeing my counsellor on Monday and my doctor on Tuesday to go back on meds, even though I don't really want to, my parents think I need to. IDK if it will help, but I need to get better somehow.)

[S_A_D_]

Well, if you change your mind at least it would be an honest representation of "you." Prospective employers don't need another salesperson pitch on how perfect you are for the job. They'll get that from your cover letter and CV. This is about telling your story; how you got to the point in your life enabling you to apply for this employment position.

It would not be wise to lie. Employment is a type of relationship, relevantly similar to having an intimate partner.