Self hatred

[nic953]

I haven’t felt this way in a while but recently my self worth has just plummeted. I hate myself and everything I am. I hate that I hate myself because I feel I shouldn’t, my situation isn’t that bad. I just hate me, my mind, my body and everything. I just shut down and want to sleep and cry. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognise myself again. I’ve never posted before I just I don’t know what to do. I hate me and I feel like I need to crawl out of this skin I’m in

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there

Really sorry to read that you’re feeling this way. It’s not a nice feeling. You say that you’ve felt this way before. Is this feeling episodic? Just wondering if there is a pattern. Sometimes it can help if we know it’s temporary and the feelings usually subside in a short time. Or has anything happened to make you feel this way that you might like to talk about. Ok if you don’t, but you’ve found yourself in a safe and supportive place if you do want to chat. There’s always the BeyondBlue helplines too if you want to hear a friendly voice. Sometimes I call them 🙂

You’ve done great posting here. It’s a small act of self care to reach out when you’re not feeling great. Anything you want to talk about? Katy

[geoff]

Hello Nic, and if we can offer you a warm welcome.

The way you are feeling is awful, makes you want to cry and definitely takes away any dignity you once believed you had and can and will happen when people are deep into depression, it happened to me many times, but it doesn't' mean that anybody who loves you will stop loving you, it's just taken in another form.

When we listen to our inner and negative thoughts it has the ability to take over how we are thinking and will affect everything we try and do and will block out any little achievements we have done because to us it means nothing.

Try not to set yourself high expectations, at the moment you aren't ready to handle this, because as soon as anything small goes wrong, that's when you give up, start from any basic function, such as having a shower but try not to prolong this for a considerable time, just wash yourself and then out, because the longer the shower is when you may start to feel all the negative thoughts that's what we don't want.

Slowly let yourself breathe, give yourself time to slowly expand and let it gradually change you, it's not going to happen straight away and when you appreciate this, then tomorrow might be better.

My best.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi nic953

I feel for you so deeply as you face the painful challenges that come with a sense of self hatred. Self hatred is such a truly torturous feeling no one can fully understand unless they've felt it for themself. It's an experience you would not wish upon anyone.

While I've ridden the emotional roller coaster of self hate/self love over the years, I've found there are moments of revelation, the following included:

If you were to imagine 2 selves, your natural self and your conditioned self, what would they look like? Most of us can't remember our natural self, as it's typically fully alive between the ages of 0 and 4 or so. It is the self that wonders and seeks excitement and a sense of fulfillment. It is the self that loves before it learns of the feelings related to heartbreak and mistrust. it is the self that openly cries and screams through some obvious injustice (aka 'having a tantrum'). It is the self that stands in front of the mirror and does not judge harshly what it sees, rather, it is in awe of what it sees: It sees the magic in a fairy dress or a super hero outfit. It is the self that plays dress-up and performs through what it imagines. It is the self whose imagination knows no bounds, the self that looks for the best in everything, questions everything and trusts that everything will be okay, no matter what. It is the self that feels the deepest connection to life. It sees no gender, no race, no age, no separation. For most of us who were gifted such a life, without horrific trauma or abuse, we loved our self wholeheartedly, with every ounce of our being. What was not to love?

When I came out of depression, my 1st significant mind altering question on my quest for greater self understanding was 'Who am I?' The answer, 'I have absolutely no idea who I am without depression and all the beliefs I'd come to identify with over the years'. I believe we are often conditioned out of being our natural self, as opposed to having those around us teach us how to navigate life as our natural self. We cease to wonder and question, among other things.

Up until the age of 4, I imagine I loved myself. I imagine you did too. After people and challenges come to dismember us in some way, from who we really are, I believe our greatest challenge becomes about re-membering our natural self. Finding the people who inspire us, in putting our self back together, is key.

Would you say you hate the self that is not truly who you are? Do you long to remember?

🙂