Opinion needed and maybe vent?

[Loligiggles]

Hey, I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong category (I think that's the word) I would like someone else's opinion on what's going on.

As some preface, I've been seeing a psychologist since I was 15, a psychiatrist since 18 (I'm 22 now) and have a small immidiate support group of 4 people, with others less close as well.

I have GAD, depression and ADHD.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss meds and other stuff. So things will get better, I'm just exhausted and I wanna go back to the old me.

Basically, back in early March a friend revealed something really bad about themselves and I had to cut off contact with them as much as possible, thus I entered a major depressive episode (that's what I think it is) at the betrayal.

It's been a long journey so far, but I still haven't recovered despite it being over 2 months at least, maybe even 3.

Before this happened, I joined an online community and I was making lots of friends/acquaintances, constantly chatting, interacting with no problem, but after this thing I haven't been able to do it anymore. We do the intro, but when it comes to actual convos, I just blank. I can't banter, joke, nothing and when I do try something, it's always incredibly awkward (I think) It's not out of fear I know that, but I just don't know what to say.

I'm pretty sure I've ruined a lot of budding relationships on there because of this. I'm also much more unable to reach out and make new connections in the community. A lot of them have been waiting for replies for a very long time. I miss the days when I could talk to everyone normally and not be like this.

I'm also unable to draw, I can't draw anything I want and I can't seem to draw anything new or learn any new techniques (I was doing pretty good with learning new stuff before this) so no matter how hard I try I always draw the same thing. This is probably explained by my depression and anxiety but I hate it. I just wanna draw.

I noticed that going on anti anxiety meds helped immensely but due to some stuff I'm doing probably the exact same without them.

Thank you to those who've read this far, and would you be willing to give an opinion on what to do? Or whats going on? I'm getting tired of this and I just wanna return to normal.

[Guest_342]

Hi Loli,

This does sound like a tough time at the moment.

I don't know much about the online community - do you meet them in person also, or are they messages and video chats? I can understand how that would be tiring at a time when you're feeling the loss of a friendship and dealing with what happened.

You mention that you are struggling to respond to people's approaches on that online forum and feel the conversations you're having are not getting to that deeper level - I wonder whether your mind/body are telling you that, for now, you need a little break from the online community? And maybe you could return when you feel a bit better?

Do you have someone or some people you could connect with in person at the moment?

[Loligiggles]

Hi Gelati,

Sorry it took so long to respond.

They're normally just messages, although I do voice call with one person semi regularly. I find it a bit easier to talk to them but I normally just end up listening to them and chipping in once in a while.

At the time, I took a two month break to recoup but it seemed like I wouldn't get any better so I'm like screw it, I'm returning I miss being on there. I'm doing a bit better than when it first started, but I;m still struggling. I can take another break but at the moment, they're the only community I really feel accepted in (despite all the times my brain says other wise)

I'm talking with my older brother most mornings to help organise my day (I'm currently trying to get meds, which means getting rediagnosed with ADHD) and he's been a great help, he knows a lot of stuff and being able to talk with him has helped be recognise irrational thoughts and that kind of stuff. I just can't rely on him 24/7, he's got a job and family of his own to deal with.

I also have that online friend I made, who I do voice chats with. She suffers from undiagnosed depression and anxiety plus some other stuff, so we get each other but she has her own stuff to deal with, so I can't put all my stuff onto her.

[Loligiggles]

So, an update.

I'm back on my anti anxiety/depression meds which has helped me a bit. I no longer panic and have anxiety 24/7, but I'm still suffering from the depression aspect.

Self care and chores are hard to do consistently, and severely fluctuates, from days where I can do most stuff to a certain extent (self care, uni work, clean my room, do laundry, talk, have convos and think, etc) but are exhausted constantly to days where I can only lay in bed and sleep. No talking, focus, no thinking, basically just staying still and breathe is the only thing I can do.

I know there's more things at play here, and are probably contributing to this. I'm just exhausted from feeling like this and not knowing when it's going to end, or having no real feeling or grasp of progression.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Loligiggles,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Loligiggles]

Update:

Not much has changed life event wise, I'm dealing with a lot of stress with assignments unfortunately. I'm still super tired, but some days are better than the others. I'm still waiting for my appointment with my psychologist.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Loligiggles,

Reading through your posts and updates, I am very sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What your friend revealed to you must've been very traumatizing to the point, you felt the need to disconnect from them. Have you brought this up with your psychologist before? I feel it might be worth bringing it up with your psychologist as you mentioned you went into a major depression episode after that event.

Have you been able to reconnect with your online community?

You draw as well, that's awesome. What kind of drawings do you do? And do you draw them digitally or traditionally? I feel it's always nice to be able to draw something, and sometimes it's just the same thing over and over again. It helps with comforting the mind, and to just let the creative juices flow out without much thought. Unless if drawing for a client, then that would be stressful as requirements need to be met. But if it's for myself, it'd just be random doodles, and they don't have to be perfect. They can just be scribbles and really random stuffs like a box, or a circle, because at the end of the day, what I draw for myself, is for my eyes only.

With your recent update on being stressed with assignments, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. But I can assure you that you won't be feeling this way forever. You are strong for being able to go through this loligiggles. Always happy to chat with you here.

Jt

[Loligiggles]

Hi Jt!

Sorry this took so long to respond!

I've talked about it to my psychologist and she said anyone would find the info I was told scary, and informed me on a bunch more stuff regarding it. The reason why it sent me into a depressive episode (to my understanding) was because I had to leave a toxic household suddenly where I had lost like 75% of my family and had just moved into uni accomodation. It tipped the balance from coping, doing healthy grieving and adjusting to a more adult life to not coping.

Yes I've re entered the community, although my language skills haven't caught back up to my previous 22 year old self and the momentum I was given has essentially grinded to a halt. That and the hyperfixation has ultimately stopped so it's near impossible to be like I once was. I drop in now and again, and I'm one 2 discord servers now with a few of them.

I draw mostly people, mainly women from anime, toy lines or my own ideas on photoshop but when I'm in the mood I draw traditionally. I do agree with drawing for yourself, it's amazing what you can draw and how happy it can make you.

And thank you for kind words, assignments have ended so a lot of the stress and depression has been lifted; I'm still dealing with the fallout unfortunately.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Loligiggles,

Great to hear from you again! I hope you're doing well and with assignments out of the way, hopefully you can enjoy some time off for yourself. Sorry to hear about the fallout that you're dealing with at the moment. It must've been quite a shock to you when your psychologist revealed the reason for the fallout. You did well communicating with your psychologist about it, and even got to the reason for your fallout as well.

Take care Loligiggles! Hoping all the best for you, and always here to listen to you if you feel like chatting. Keep up the drawing too, and take it slow with your discord community.

Jt