Depression symptoms. I don’t feel sad, just numb.

[sas27]

Hi all

im trying to understand my symptoms. I have PTSD and go through stages of hyper vigilance then fatigue. After leaving a violent relationship of 13 years, followed by another 3 years of court and continued harassment.
it has been 6 years since I left. However I recently had to move because he brought a house in the same street. I stopped walking everyday and exercising.

iv found after moving, the hyper vigilant/fatigue stage (which doesn’t last as long as time goes by) that I’m completely lacking in any form of motivation whatsoever. These are my symptoms.

No motivation. I’m still working full time, but apart from that I’m struggling to get things done.
Increase appetite. I have no motivation to cook so I eat what ever is easy...which isn’t anything healthy usually.

Weight gain😕. My weight always goes up and down and I usually manage it, but iv lost complete control.Lost interest in thing I usually enjoy. Can’t be bothered with people.
what I’m confused about is I don’t feel sad or teary. I just feel numb....like bla whatever. When I’m not at work I just want to sit on my ass. I argue with myself to get up and do some exercise or to get out and about but it’s not happening.
Doctor proscribed medication, which I haven’t taken yet.

would like to know peoples thoughts, does depression mean you have to feel sad?

[Sophie_M]

Hi sas27, 

We are really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It can be incredibly tough to feel unmotivated and to lose interest in the things that we love doing. These can be depressive symptoms, feeling sad is not the only way that depression can be expressed in our thoughts and behaviours. 

It also seems like you have been through a big change in your life recently and this can difficult to manage while also going about our daily lives. We want to thank you for being brave and for sharing your experiences with us here. It is a wonderful step towards feeling better. 

It is great that you are linked in with a GP, but if you ever feel like talking to someone you can also give us a call on 1300 22 4636. We are always here if you need us and the wonderful people who answer the phones can help in the moment if you are feeling distressed. 

We encourage you to have a look around the forums, especially in the 'Depression' section and you will see some of the ways the Depression can be experienced. If you feel comfortable, join some conversations and see what happens. 

We would love to hear back from you here if you want to keep us updated - it is up to you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi sas27

First, I have to state what a legend you are. Sounds like your ex has put you through absolute hell and here you are looking for some sort of heaven on earth, beyond feeling the way you do. While many would have given up, you remain an amazing person who obviously refuses to settle for not making a difference in your own life. You're an inspiration. By the way, when you mentioned your ex bought a house in the same street as you, this seriously triggered me. I felt so infuriated for you. So glad you chose to get him out of your life by moving. You obviously make far more highly conscious choices than he does.

It can of course be incredibly tough to recondition a mind and body (esp nervous system) that's been so regularly conditioned to become hyperactive at the drop of a hat. With the regular highs and lows over more than a decade, it doesn't surprise me how thoroughly exhausted you've become. I have a friend that dealt best she could with mental abuse she incurred from her partner for more than 2 decades before they finally split. After this, she was trying best she could to raise 2 kids without a lot of financial support from her ex. So there were still a lot of ramp ups to stress after the split. Eventually, she developed chronic fatigue which she's now managing to overcome. When I asked her whether she felt her body was saying 'Enough is enough, I'm shutting 'feeling' down whether you like it or not. We're going into rest mode or switch off mode for your own good', she agreed that's pretty much how it felt. I suppose it's a bit like how our whole body's meant to work in a complex integrated way until someone comes into our life and begins to dis-integrate our body's systems, through stress and trauma. Re-integration becomes a slow and careful process.

My friend swears by the process of careful reform. She refuses to go back to her old self because what she's creating is a whole new self, in more ways than one. For example, when once she would have exercised like a maniac on the treadmill at home, now she exercises on it carefully in a gentle relaxed way, just enough to feel a little bit of energy working up. She found a lack of feeling (numbness) deeply depressing. Now, even the slightest bit of energy is inspiring. She loves feeling it. Her goal is to graduate to feeling more. She's also developing ways to release decades of stored tension in her mind and body.

Be kind to yourself in the process of releasing, relaxing and reactivating.

🙂

[bluenight]

Hi sas27

Farout, sounds like a nightmare! no wonder you're feeling no motivation, numb and couldn't be bothered to cook now that he's moved into your street. I think I would feel the same. All those years of abuse and then court, you must have thought it was pretty much over but now he's back and you don't feel comfortable walking or exercising and I don't blame you at all.

To answer your question, you don't have to be sad and weepy to be depressed. It effects everyone differently usually based on the triggers and your circumstances. Numbness is just as bad as feeling sad but I reckon it's worse. Anyway, what you're going through and how it manifests in your life ie. lack of motivation, numbness. The label doesn't matter so much, even though it's good to know, what you're going through is pretty significant so whether depression or ptsd, you've got to try and get yourself back on track.

Meds helped me get back on track when I was in a hole last year, so something to consider. But in saying that, they're the only ones that have really helped.

[sas27]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. When I finally left I dreamed that I would be so much more, that I would achieve so much more...instead I find myself in a constant battle with my mental and physical health...fighting back again and again, over and over without medication but opting to exercise, eat well and find a balance. Usually I find my way back...this time it’s been harder.
I have ordered Light and Easy meals to help me get my eating under control, I manage exercise for the first time in months on Saturday and Sunday 😊 I haven’t sleep for two nights and gave myself a stern talking to just to make it to work today.

i can only hope that one day I won’t have to fight for happiness...it will just be❤️

[therising]

Hi sas27

You truly do astound me. It's relatively easy for people to re-form themself when they're not under any pressure or not facing the aftermath of years of trauma. It takes a special kind of person to undertake transformation when the challenges involve a mind altering path.

My own mind altering path out of and beyond depression has largely involved wonder. From wondering about how the human brain works and the world of neuroplasticity, how the mind interacts with the body and epigenetics and how quantum physics factors into who we are to some degree, my true love in the world of wonder largely involves how we tick naturally. Basically, I became a devotee of understanding what makes me me. There's definitely a lot to learn about our self. While some may refer to the natural aspect as the 'spiritual' aspect, the second I tell someone I'm a mind/body/spirit kinda gal, I can almost hear their brain say 'Oh, one of those woo woo people' 🙂 Personally, woo woo works for me beautifully. By the way, I'm not a religious person by any means. The reason I mention this natural aspect, this part of our nature, involves somewhat of a key to transformation.

This key involves the word 'You'. Most people have this quirky trait to some degree, without realising. Eg: You can be sitting there thinking 'I just can't go to work. I just don't have the energy' when suddenly the internal dialogue takes a turn, 'You can do this. You got this girl. Don't let that mongrel get the better of you!' You can be saying all this to yourself and not realise that while the conversation started off with 'I', it turned into a conversation about 'You', as in 'You got this!'

While some say the 'You' factor comes from the more conscious part of the brain, being a woo woo gal I much prefer the more romantic version of having my own personal guide right beside me. This way, I never feel alone in a challenge. 'What about the negative 'You' factor?' you may be wondering. I suppose that comes from all the negative people we've allowed into our head over the years, the people who say stuff like 'You're hopeless. Nothing's going to change because you're weak and you know it'. If you're naturally open minded, you're going to be letting stuff in, perhaps without realising. There are pros and cons to being open minded.

One of my mantras in life, when I hear the negativity of others pop into my head is 'Get the hell out of my head, as I'm only inviting the heaven in'.

🙂

[geoff]

Hello Sas, and a warm welcome to the site.

If your mood has changed over the last few weeks in daily tasks become more difficult, you may have some type of depression, and it can cause mild to severe symptoms and affect how you feel, think, and manage your activities.

There are signs of this disorder that are often the first indication that something is going on and differ from person to person, situation to situation and triggers may now be the cause why you feel this way.

Feeling numb maybe a feeling of emptiness or being isolated, whereas some feel as though it's no connection with another person and believe they can't see any future, so it's a lonely feeling.

If you decide to take the medication it may help you get some sleep, because if you're unable to, then your mind just revisits the memories you certainly don't want to think about again.

Can we suggest you ask your doctor whether or not this medication is a low dose to begin with, then it's possible to slowly build up the dosage and by ordering 'light and easy' meals aren't certain you'll want to eat them and doing exercises will only help if you feel encouraged to do them, otherwise, this numbness will dominate.

I've had to experience this feeling of being nowhere, this numbness and know that it's a terrible feeling.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[sas27]

Thank you for replying. I have been medicated for about 3 weeks.
Although I feel at times my finds a bit calmer I still feel uninterested in anything, unmotivated, bored and at times lonely, I have plenty of friends and family to do things with but at the moment just can’t be bothered with people.

That bla feeling and numbness is still there. If I’m not at work I basically just want to sit at home on the couch.

[Here2Talk]

Hi sas,

Definitely sadness isn’t the only type of depression. In fact a lack of motivation or lack of pleasant feelings is another symptom. You have been through a lot and your mind (and also your body) has had to adjust over a prolonged period of time - both by being super alert and switched on during your violent relationship, which burns up all your resources.

in the time between when your court sessions ended and when he moved into your street did you experience the same vigilance and lack of motivation/numbness? Or is this just recently?

[geoff]

Hello Sas, when we take an antidepressant (AD) it's not like taking a headache tablet, where the pain eventually goes away, but with an AD it has a great deal of work to do and needs to be taken to help balance the chemicals in our brain, and I'm not a qualified doctor to say this, but that's what my doctor has told me.

If you have had court appearances, continued harassment and now living in the same street, then it's possible that it could take more than 3 weeks for you to get the full benefit from these tablets and should keep in contact with your doctor regarding this.

Please remember that this medication is not going to positively affect you 24/7 365 days a year, it doesn't make anyone immune from having a bad day or in any situation prevent a relapse, as I've had several myself but have been able to overcome these shortly after.

If you are beginning to feel more at calm that's good but you may reassess who you want to be friends with and your motivation may also return but in a different way, such as with me, my interests have completely changed, to what I always wanted to do, now they are the complete opposite.

Take care.

Geoff.