Hello,
I'm not sure what I'm doing here again. I guess I thought that typing out my thoughts would stop them swirling around in my head, snowballing and becoming more dangerous.
You see my dog had to be put down yesterday morning. I'd spent the whole night prior awake with him, watching him be confused, disorientated and struggle to breathe. It's a horrible memory that will always haunt me. I suffer depression but I mostly manage to ignore my problems through use of antidepressants, watching TV and entertaining myself in my head by daydreaming about a better life and pretending I'm living it.
I am single and have always been due to the acute distress that anxiety brings on whenever someone was to tell me their interested in a romantic sense. At my age (31) a lot of people are coupled up so it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes I am terrified of spending my life alone, with no one to hold me when things go wrong.
I feel ugly, growing up the world tends to send the message to young girls that their appearance is the most aspect of them (fairy tales, TV shows, movies and magazines) and being a sensitive person I grew to believe this too strongly.
I'm not working. I get acute anxiety and when that's at play I be extremely lethargic and depressed. I quit my job over a year ago, went overseas for a holiday and then stayed with my parents when I got back. Ever since I just haven't been able to bring myself to apply for another.
My brain is broken. Over the past couple of years I've been experiencing bouts of what I term 'acute distress'. It can be triggered by things I never thought would affect me all that much and it's really intense. Whilst in this phase I can't eat or sleep or even sit still. During the day I can find things to distract myself with (mostly) but nights are spent pacing around the house, whilst feeling progressively worse and worse. These bouts can be really unpredictable and I live in fear of it happening again, especially given I just lost my dog.
I can't cope with the fact that we all get old and die. The thought of losing loved ones just make sick and I worry about it a lot even though they aren't sick.
Despite the above I have a lot of positive things in my life. Loving family, good friends and I still have savings from years of working so am not about to face financial destitution. I just can't seem to be able to appreciate the positives in my life and just get sucked into that black void of depression.
